Here is my not-brief overview: M:46 H: 47 4 S's: 18,16,13,10, D 26 Married 19 yrs H distant the last year or so
I noticed the distance about a year ago, and I was slow in realizing it because I was so busy. It was eldest s senior year, and I was very stressed with his college plans. The first problem I noticed was that H was unable to finish ML on two occasions. I assumed a physical problem. He has high blood pressure and is on meds. Since that time, no ML. Always a workaholic, his hours at worked increased even more. I confronted him about the lack of sex a few months ago. I got: I'm not feeling well. I confronted him about never being home, about spending all his off days up in our bedroom alone, only coming downstairs to do laundry or get something to drink. I got: They've cut 3 positions at work. I hate my job. (This is true. He was passed over two years ago for a promotion in favor of someone he thought was inferior to him who is now his director. I know it wounded his pride.) Confronted him on 09/02 when he was finally home long enough for me to talk to him and got "I love you,but I'm not in love with you" only after repeated questioning about what the heck was wrong. In the last few months, his personality has totally changed. He stopped laughing around me, or calling me pet nicknames, or having me rub his back. He started wearing his hair differently. Feeling sucker punched, I responded with, "I'm in total shock, and what can I do to change this?" I really was in shock. I've always felt adored and loved by this man, and that has always been everyone else's opinion, too.
His response: I don't know what I want to do about us. And now is a bad time to talk. I have a sinus headache, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Fortunately, I was on my way in a few minutes to church and had to leave the house with my boys. I cried all the way there, all during church,all the way home, and the rest of that day. Then I googled "ILYBINILWY" and got this site, as well as Retrovaille. My gut told me that asking him to go to counseling would not be productive, so I decided against Retrovaille. I ordered DR and read it. Assuming H was in MLC, I tried to detach. I moved my clothes out of our shared closet. I don't sleep in the same bedroom as H and haven't for years because of his snoring, so that didn't change. H had been giving me a peck on the cheek when he left for work, but after I moved my clothes, he stopped doing that. I've been trying to learn about MLC. It is hard, because of my homemaking and homeschooling duties. My heart has always been at home. I've stopped speaking to him unless spoken to, although he rarely speaks to me. He is still saying goodbye when he leaves for work. I am trying to get more of a life outside of my home, and become more involved in church activities. I've left the house twice when he was home in the evening without telling him or s where I was going, which is a change for me, although it seems to have had no effect. I already have hobbies that I love: walking and knitting. I have been walking a lot and exercising much more. I've been praying a lot more. And I am trying to eat well, but I've lost about 8 pounds. I hear that is the MLC diet.
I made two mistakes last week. I asked if we could talk, and it was a bad time for him, and I am a bully for insisting that we talk right now. So, he asked if we could do it Wed. I said OK, what about lunchtime. Wed comes along, and at lunchtime he asks if I am ready. We go out, and I suggest that we go to the store to buy a new computer. The one in our home office recently died, and one s needs that one for one of his classes. Up until a year ago, H worked in the office on that computer frequently, so I told him to get what he wanted. He doesn't get a computer tower or all-in-one, he gets a laptop. I'm thinking, that is probably so when he leaves, he can take it with him. Then we leave the store, and go to a fast food place he suggests for lunch. Fast food? I didn't bring up relationship; he didn't bring up relationship. We go home. H goes upstairs. Second mistake: reading all the threads about EA and PA, my imagination got the better of me. I spied on email, computer files. Didn't find anything, but haven't discounted the possibility of OW. It would be out of character, but everything he is doing and acting like is not the man he was a year and a half ago. He had adored me up until that time.
Don't know if it is relevant, but my parents celebrated 48 years of marriage this month. His father has been married to second wife, whom H considers his mother, for 25 years. His biological mother was an abusive alcoholic. He left her home as a teen and has had no relationship with her since then, even though she has tried to reconcile.
I am rereading DR. I am trying to read helpful threads here. I am planning on scheduling a phone consultation.soon. I talked to my pastor yesterday. He said that he would talk to H and me anytime, anywhere. I don't think that is the way to go right now. I am Catholic, and believe that a marriage bond is indissoluble, even if civil divorce is warranted. I have been a stay at home homeschooling mom for 18 years. I am trying to prepare for the long haul, trying to remain strong. Youngest s has said that I don't look happy, sound happy, or act happy. I want to change that. Any advice, comments, suggestions welcome.
