Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Checking in.
Kat, to answer your question, I didn't know about the one night stand until years later (7 years later). Out of his own guilt.

The last EA I stepped in when I found out about it (leading me here in Feb), and that was 'controlling'. He didn't get to end it himself. Which he responded by filing divorce paperwork.

The previous EA was starting and he lied about his whereabouts (we were about 22 then). I said that it was inappropriate behavior of a married man. He quit that job the next day.

Journal:
So here we are...Thursday
The newest girl had contact with me. He broke it off with her 2 weeks ago, and she has been spiraling since.
I found out the 'relationship' was 3 months (she volunteered that). I said "I don't think it's going to do any of us any good if we talk about our experiences with each other", she figured that H was just waiting for me to sign, and NOT having sex with me. I didn't say one way or another. Just stayed quiet about that and talked about how if she ended up with him that I cared about her being good to my son. If not, than everyone is on their own paths, and our job is to make sure our S's (she has 1 boy 1 year old) was to be good moms, be there, and make wiser choices on who we select as men to show our S's how to be fathers/husbands. I didn't want to talk about my relationship with H. I told her there are 'No answers I could give on why my H does what he does. There is no use asking or thinking about it, it will just drive you crazy and then you get painted as being crazy' She flipped and started to call/text my H saying he used/played her because we were still having sex (I didn't confirm/deny - just stayed quiet).
Series of phone calls on Thursday to me, first H was calm, second call was anger, third removed from situation. All within 3 hours. She is reporting him to his job (I don't know how that works, or if it matters, but nonetheless, he doesn't like public displays like that and said he is quitting regardless now - see EA#1 above).

I am hurt that he had sex with her, but I am not surprised. We are separated. There could be more girls later, there could not be. I fall into that stupid comparison of her vs me. I need to work through this for myself so I can detach more.

H and I talked about non-relationship stuff on Friday. He didn't go to work and is looking for other work. I said I felt bad for him that he was having his work involved. He said he probably would've been fired at some point anyhow because she was going to crack anyhow, and it's a new opportunity for him. We talked about non-relationship stuff Saturday, and today. I did not bring up the girl, what happened. anything. Not my business, and it's his issue.

I've been distant. Polite strangers as Kat says.

GALS:
I went out by myself Friday night while H was here with S. I didn't tell my plans, just went to a bar and met a nice couple who has very similar interests and jobs. We clicked. I came home and made polite conversation about H's project before he started to leave and I was excited to get started on my own project and had such happiness in my attitude.

Note: I did NOT mean for this to sound like I was trying make H jealous. This is what I would tell a person in my field as well. I said 'oh I talked to this guy who is doing xx development and he gave me some great insight on how to break into that, is your group using x or y technology?
H confused "Wait, didn't you go with a girlfriend?"
Me: "No, so do you use x or y because I found out..."
H interrupts, sounding hurt: "So you went alone to a bar?"
Me: "yeah. so do you use x or y because (and I finished my question).
H: "uh...I don't know. Um, the newest thing is um.."
finished conversation before he rushed out the door.

He showed up the with some groceries, and breakfast. Early. No fighting. I took off for 6 hours unaccounted for while he and S went outside. Didn't talk about what I did when I got back. Just stayed mysterious.
Bought some cute clothes. I am on a mission now to look GOOD at all times. No sweats, no hiding. Keep getting my booty in shape and show it off.
Not gonna be crying after him. I am not putting anything into his encounters above either. No more.


Sunday (today), H came over and made breakfast and spent an hour downloading music for my new device. I thanked him. I went for a walk, and then up for a shower. Giving him space. LOTS of space. He specifically came up to say bye to me when he left for a meeting.

Not calling, not emailing. Not contacting. I'm moving forward. I enjoyed my GALS, didn't do it to tell him about it, did it because I needed to deal with the anxiety I feel, I need to meet other people, and I need to live life outside of what H is doing. Or what his OW is saying or doing.

Job situation tomorrow unknown. He will deal with it the way he knows how. I am trying to not 'feel' for him. I am trying to work out my anxiety quietly.