Not sure if this is going to work

[25yearsmlc]

He was going to bring a list of prompts for our date last night so we can get to know each other.


was that^^^ HIS idea? I'm impressed.


But we didn't do that, so we made a temporary date to do it at a coffee shop some time this week.

We're also going to talk about our dreams, and see if we can come up with a plan for what things would look like - at least in theory - where we'd live, timing of another baby (if at all), and finances. That's a big one. I think if we can talk about that with success, that would say a lot.

I didn't mention, but I'm having a lot of trouble with physical affection. I'm def. attracted to him physically. I get tingly when we kiss, but last night, I could barely touch him at all. And he's VERY touchy/affectionate. Hmm...

He's being patient; I don't want to hurt him, but I can probably be more affection, just can't even imagine s*x for a looong time. I'm so not there.

ESN,

The lack of affection and disinterest in sex you feel, is a flag to me.

Would you be with THIS man at all, if not for your d? Take your time before answering...

IF so, why?

What is it that you love about him? Specifically, b/c

most of the time it's not positives that you have to say about him, (even while noting his new behaviors and gestures.) Same goes for NOW...

BTW, what are your new behaviors and gestures around him?

My hunch, and that's all it is, is that you are not in love with THIS MAN, as he is,

and you cannot expect him to change/ "improve" w/time, like a fine wine.


MANY of us make the mistake of thinking we CAN love a man "IF THIS AND THAT" and we marry them...

only to find the men do not want to be made over. They just want to be loved as they are, same as us...and if that's not something you can do or want to do, don't waste his time or yours. Meaning, take him as he is, or don't.

If you don't truly love (and respect) him NOW,

then aren't the only real reasons these dates are happening (on your end) is

b/c single life [censored],

and or his financial security has appeal, and or you want your d to be in an "intact family".

But Here's the rub.

If the behaviors revert to the old ones, (which they inevitably will if you don't learn positive ways of conflict resolution - INSTEAD OF the behaviors you now know and engage in that aren't healthy). The fact is, unless we learn NEW healthy ways of behaving and only know what "not to do",

when crisis hits, we'll revert to what we DO know...b/c we have not replaced those behaviors with healthy ones. (Hence the need for new tools.)

And if you revert,

you won't have financial security OR an intact family anyway.

And you'll have held yourself back from finding someone you CAN have those things with

AND OR
you'll have simply inserted more drama into her life and yours, instead of being ok with just the two of you on your own, mostly.

make sense?