Can anyone guide be how to effectively detach when we live under the same roof.
You have to come to grips with the fact that no matter what you do, you may lose her and be ok with that outcome because you know that you and your kids will be alright. Decide that while you may want her, you don't need her. Until you do this you cannot detach.
Be pleasant, but don't go out of your way for her. Give her space, but don't ignore her or act cold. When she opens up to you, do the same. When she avoids you, don't pursue. This is where I've been for 6 months now.
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The hardest part I have about not leaving is this seems exactly what she wants. She wants me to stay there, fund whatever needs to be funded, and she is left to do whatever she wants!
You keep saying this. What do you mean? She can do whatever she wants no matter where you stay. Stay in your house and do what YOU want.
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She just seems to be actin like a teenager. All her new found friends are 20 something's and single.
This sounds like MLC. If it is, hang on, you're in for ride. Check out the stickies in the MLC forum.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
ForeverYoung, longrun and AnotherStander, and all,
Thanks so much for the support, encouragement and information. I really greatly appreciate it all.
ForeverYoung,
Your a spot on with saying that no matter what, she will do what she wants regardless of where I am. (Below I will explain) Like I said, she seems to be fine with the thought that we remain roomates forever. I cant do this. I know that she is not going to move, so my thoughts always drifted to me leaving, forcing her to "grow up" and assume the role of a responsible mother again....After thinking it through though, me walking out would make me the irresonsible one. Even though my plan was different because I still planned on doing the grocery shopping, school shopping, getting my kids every couple of days, etc... Anyway you slice it though, i would be giving up my dignity and self respect if I left.
AnotherStander,
She was already a WAW (physically) when she moved a few states away last year. When she came back, I had very high hopes of making it work. I approached this ALL WRONG. I gave it what i thought was the right approach, but proved to be a failure so I am back in the same sitch. Now, she is an emotional WAW.
So, Update/Journaling: Yesterday, the W had her internship. She was gone all day to training from 9-4. She didnt get home from the training until about 6 or so. Not sure what she did after the training, and I didnt ask. When she got home I came upstairs from the basement and I was dressed up, quit nicely I should say. She made a comment to the effect of "Wow, gotta hot date?" I chuckled a little and just said no, I have plans. I really didnt have plans but she didnt know that. She made a comment about my shirt, which was her favorite color. I again chuckled and said how my 4yo D picked it out for me when I took her shopping. She made comment about how she taught her well. I grabbed my keys and said see you later. I gave all the kids a hug and told them I would see them later and said "love you" to them. Then I said see you later and left. I drove around for a bit then meet a couple of friends for dinner. After dinner, I still had no plans to go home. Curiosity did get the best of me however and I drove by my house at about 8:30 just to see if the wife was here. Of course she wasn't. I stopped in to make sure the kids were ok. I talked with D15 for a minute and told her I had forgotten something. She had said that the W had just left to go to Miss "A's" house. I said ok, and told her I would see her later and call if she needed anything. Thants when I realized that ForeverYoung was so right in saying that she will do whatever she wants regardless. She has D15 to use as a babysitter.
Anyway, still without plans I went down to a local pub for a beer. I sat there and sipped on my beer. I have to admit something that did make me feel great and reinforced I would be ok. A very attractive younger lady struck up a conversation with me while setting at the bar. We actually talked for a couple of hours. Before any bashing happens, I in no way attempted to pick her up, get a phone number or any of that. If anything, I kinda assumed a "Daddy Role" and provided her a little career guidance. Never the less, It helped me get a little confidence back in case I am ever back on the market. I said good night to the young lady and wished her well. Still not ready to come home, I went to breakfast at a local all night place. I ate and took my time, and got home at about 1 a.m. When I pulled in the driveway, i was shocked to see the MBR lights still on, as well as the LR. When I came in the door (I was whistling, and jovial), the wife was stirring in the kitchen and my d15 was still awake as well (Not sure why W let her stay up that late, but didnt say anything). I told my D15 Good night because she was headed up to bed. The W WOULD NOT SAY A WORD and seemed to act agitated. I stirred around a little turning off some of the lights. This akward silence lasted about 20 seconds. I said well, good night as I was going downstairs to bed. She did not say a word!
It's perfectly normal. You received an ego shot, which helps, and you handled arriving home exactly right! Expect your WAW to be somewhat aggitated when you are out late GAL and arrive home showing an elevated spirt. It seems to have a great affect whenever the H gets home later than the WAW. Don't react to any of the silent times. Expect her to give you the cold sholder.....then she'll probably ask you questions about coming home late. However, as a WAW, she sort of lost that status quo where you need to give an account, right? This is the time to stay mysterous. Don't make it more than what it was, but don't give a play-by-play either.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks so much for the perspective and advice. Your right, I was a pretty good ego boost. It's also nice to get acknowledgment that I handled everything as correct as possible anyway.
W is out again today for her internship, I have my doubts but again, I can't control her. We will see how the rest of the day unfolds. Wish me luck.
W texted D15 and asked if I would run her to the mall. Guess that's we're she is working today. Some type of table set up. Anyway, took D15 and D4 to the mall so I could drop her off. Got to the mall and went inside with my girls. We found where the W was so I stood there for a minute. The W was very cheery and chatty. I was cheery as well, and waited for her to bring up conversation. I answer her and tried to keep everything pretty short. Told her I had to run because I was trying to get some things done in the basement.
Again, the mention of money came up. The booth next to her was a business inside the mall that is a short term childcare place for parents to drop off their kids while they shop. She had said she was interested in this. It was a 3 hour special for $15. I just kinda showed agreement, and said whatever. She had said she could bring D4 to the mall durin the day, drop her off and she could study in the food court. The subject kinda changed and again, I said that D4 and I were going back home so I could work in the basement.
As I exited the mall, she calledme and said she was serious about the childcare thing. She wanted me to come back in a pay for it. I told her that I was not going to pay for it, if she wanted to, I said that's fine. She went cold. She said, "never mind, bye" and I said "ok, see ya later", and hung up. I wonder how the evening will go!
She wants the childcare for the weekdays, when I'm at work, so she can drop her in for a couple of hours while she studies in the food court of the mall.
