Still together but trying to save this

[longrun]

I'm not sure if it makes sense but I feel that GAL for me at this stage in my life might be harder than going through these issues with my W.

GAL may seem to be hard but it is the better option. Don't you smell that the combination of "issues" and "wife" turns off? If your wife is attracted by you becoming a better person then the "issues" will disappear.

[PeteWyo]

I agree, it is tough but it is what I have to do. Here's a question though that I have been thinking a lot about. I can work on me, but she has some serious things to work on too. Most of the issues that we had were either miscommunications or her taking a conversation the wrong way. Neither here nor there really. But I do want her to address those issues as well. If there is any hope for us, she needs to address her confrontation issues as well. Is it fair for me to try and help her too? If so, how do I go about that and detach at the same time? I could use some advice there. With or without me I don't want her to have to go through her life that way.

[25yearsmlc]

Marriage counseling round 2 was of no help. The OM came out and she just kept defending her stance that it has nothing to do with him, when it has everything to do with him.

Not true...Earlier you said YOU realized she was unhappy before he came into the picture. You also admit YOU have some major behavior and emotional issues that crippled your social life and damaged your marriage for awhile.

I'm not blaming you for her interest in OM but I am holding you to your own words. It is just so easy for the LBSer to stop looking at the work THEY have to do and blame it all on OM...'

you'll miss the one good thing that can come of this ordeal, which is a serious look within, and CHANGING yourself so you can become the man you were meant to become,

no matter what SHE chooses.

(It also happens to be your best chance of influencing that choice)


She even admitted that she would be trying harder if it weren't for him.

of course she would. She'd have no apparent option but being alone if it weren't for OM and she'd put up with more...Plus She now knows that not all men act like you did, and it's lessened you in her eyes.

Give her some time to see the new (or old) you. You've hardly been here long.

She doesn't trust that your changes are real or lasting. She assumes they are tactics to get her back and that's IF she has noticed them and that's IF You have made any...

---. I am not giving up. I am getting out and hanging out with friends and working on me and having great success. I just wish she saw that and she isn't in the house anymore so she will never know.

she WILL see you again and the time apart will make changes more noticeable. Wear a new outfit and a different NEW cologne and be upbeat, etc.


At least I get to have one last dinner with my wife. If I would have know Thursday would have been the last time I got to sleep next to my wife, I would have stayed up all night and cherished every second...

(((( ))))

[25yearsmlc]

I agree, it is tough but it is what I have to do. Here's a question though that I have been thinking a lot about. I can work on me, but she has some serious things to work on too. Most of the issues that we had were either miscommunications or her taking a conversation the wrong way. Neither here nor there really.


But I do want her to address those issues as well.

you are in no position to tell her anything. 1) she's NOT interested in what YOU have to say about what SHE has to work on.

2) When you first posted you mentioned in passing that you had an anxiety problem for years AND that you "snapped" at a lot of people. People you had to apologize to later. I assume you took things out on her too. That means you criticized her and or lost your temper and if my hunch is right, you are underestimating it greatly...

So if I were you, one of the big changes I'd make is to ONLY do MY WORK and not any of hers...

3) finally, YOU telling her what SHE has to work on will backfire. It'll convince her of how right she was to leave you b/c even now, with only weeks into DBing, you are already assessing blame to her and "worrying" about her "working on issues" so you two can reconcile

as if that's even on the table now. It's not. So just do your work. You can UP the GAL big time and get more help for the anxiety issues. Have you gotten a prescription or seen an MD?


If there is any hope for us, she needs to address her confrontation issues as well. Is it fair for me to try and help her too?


is it "fair"? Um, it's inappropriate at the moment. SHE is divorcing you. She thinks you mistreated her and hurt her deeply and she does not believe she can heal with you.

So you want to know if it's FAIR for YOU to "help her" Too? B/C you are all better already? I mean, seriously, Do you hear yourself? Back off...look in the mirror and do your own inner work.

The best and only chance you have of reconciling or getting her to see her own role

is to model self awareness and growth yourself.

NOT by measuring tit for tat and making sure SHE is doing "enough" for you to justify fixing your life which you ought to to do anyhow.

If I recall correctly, you did not get help for this rather severe sounding anxiety disorder until After she dropped the bomb. Own that.

If so, how do I go about that and detach at the same time? I could use some advice there. With or without me I don't want her to have to go through her life that way.

Detach and do not give her any "help" with her faults. Why? BECAUSE IT IS

Not your place to find flaws in her for her to work on, under the guise of your concern for her welfare... it's

Not your job, it's not your responsibility and it's certainly not your "right".

Plus it's SO NOT INVITED by her.


Back to YOU...

I GAL in the interior of Alaska with a newborn. ALL of our friends were h's work friends.

So I got a baby sitter, which you don't even have to do.

I auditioned for theater and did stand up comedy, and I got a lot of roles.
I volunteered at the PTA and

I volunteered at a women's shelter.

I edited a book.

I joined a writer's group. I got published.

I learned to cross country ski, hunt for serious game and deep sea fish.

I worked out and saw a T weekly.

I took a Conversational French class and a cooking class.

I joined an Officer's Wives club for the first time in years. I played softball and then I coached a girl's team.

I was on the board of directors for youth sports...

= I MET PEOPLE who did not know my h

or if they did know him, they did not know him well.

The more you GAL, the better you'll feel and the more your changes will come

BTW

I have not heard of a single 180 of yours yet.


For your w to return to you, for her to choose you, you must become the better choice. You must be a man only a fool would leave. For her to return,

SHE must believe marriage to you can be better/different than before.


& that's when the work you both must do and the tools you both need to get, would be addressed. Not before.

For now, work on demonstrating how m to you would be better AND different and you do that, by becoming the best man you can be.

[PeteWyo]

I'm sorry I have not been posting about the progresses I have made, I have been tending to post on here when I am thinking about everything and I almost forgot! I have been going to an IC and of course she is trying to figure out what the trigger is to my anxiety (if there is one). She also said that there may not be a trigger, which I believe to be the case but obviously I'm not a therapist. Anyway I have been getting out of the house more than ever. I am going out and bumming around, eating breakfast out of the house. I have been running down by the river in a place that is unknown to me. I have been putting myself in all sorts of situations where I would have been uncomfortable or anxious. I am trying to hit this thing head on. I am reaching out to friends and genuinely listen to their stories and being involved. It got bad to the point before where I was afraid to be anywhere without my cell phone because I was afraid that if something happened I wouldn't be able to call for help so I have been purposefully leaving my cell phone at home when I can. I have to have it a lot of times for work but that is another issue. I feel great and less anxious. It will take some time to unprogram myself and bad habits but it is working and it is great! The single best thing that has helped me is opening up to everyone (including myself) and admitting I had an anxiety problem. Getting that off my chest and having a support network has allowed me to not feel so alone in my anxiety. Just takes time I guess.

[25yearsmlc]

it's great you are getting help for it. And if that's enough help for that specific issue, then AMEN and YAY!

What are the 180s you are doing, vis a vis your wife?

And do you understand (even if you disliked it) what I mean by NOT being in a position where she'd even hear your concerns about HER not doing the work YOU think SHE needs to do? Where she'd interpret them as just more criticism from you and or, more controlling behavior?

I'm not trying to hit you with a 2 x 4 here.

None of us know exactly what, if anything, what it will take to get her back, (other than the obvious, i.e., being the better choice.)

But we tend to know what does NOT work.

And You telling her in any way, direct or indirectly, what SHE needs work on, will backfire on you big time.

If you cannot see that, OR why that's the case,

then despite the progress you are making with your anxiety problem, there are other issues you are missing.

I hope this clears up my main point. Does this make more sense to you now?

And how's that detachment going? Oh and just so I know, did you two ever plan on having children at some point? Does she want them?

Keep up the good work.

[PeteWyo]

Well that is a complicated situation. I would love to do some 180s with my wife. But she isn't around. She is staying with a friend and isn't in the house. I basically told her early on that it was the OM or me and it appears that she has made her choice. I would love to continue to be in some sort of relationship with my W but I don't know at this point what to believe. I can't do too many 180s with my W because all of her issues (at least the ones that she has told me about) stem from my anxiety and work stress. Both things that I am working on. We didn't have the marriage from hell. I always did thoughtful things for her and took care of her. I rarely raised my voice and we almost never fought. That is part of the problem, or maybe a big part of the problem. I have obviously talked with all of our friends a lot about what is going on and they keep telling me stories of how my W would come to them unhappy about something. But she never told ME that she was unhappy about those things. What's worse is that the thins she was unhappy about were misunderstandings. She would hear only one small part of what I was saying and vent only that part to other people without putting the conversation in context. Once they heard the whole conversation they understood what we were talking about and everyone keeps telling me that it was presented completely differently. I don't fault her for any of that, she was feeling a certain way and I understand that. But how could we have ever sorted out our misunderstandings and miscommunications if she never talked to me about them? She admits that we did have a lot of miscommunications and that we never talked about them because she was afraid of confrontation. But it doesn't matter because even though she knows now about all of this, she could never possibly heal. The damage has been done, whether or not it was her fear of confrontation or my anxiety, it doesn't matter. So no I am not doing 180s with my W, because she isn't around to witness them.

[PeteWyo]

My whole marriage has apparently been a lie which makes it tough. I'm not sure who I am fighting for, the person I thought my wife was or the person it turns out she is.

[PeteWyo]

All that being said, she is my wife, and I love her. And I am going to work in my anxiety and GAL and put it in God's hands. I'm not sure what else I can do.

[PeteWyo]

Also to answer your question, we had just started to try to have kids. My ILYBNILWY came to me in the form of "I want to get back on the pill."