I have started another thread as I am not sure how to get help with my current sitch. My previous thread was v emotional so I want to start this with a bit clearer head.
Short summary is wife loves but not in love withme in August. This after confused feelings since December, a really good spell in February where we both wanted to make things work and then now.
Wife at home but wants to move out with S12. Eldest S19 starts University on Thursday and will be leaving home.
Wife stated she can't stand me touching her, re-written our marriage history to say everything was wrong - even the sex which she used to be so into but now is saying that it was sex and not love making. Other things include lack of emotional support, neglect and not helping around the house. Plus a spell about 6 years ago when I was stressed at work and for about 2 weeks was bad temperered (but not abusive).
She has been a stay at home mum for 13 years. Gave up a decent career to be at home.
She has put a wall up saying she won't give in to changing her mind, that she wants more passion in her life, that she needs to find herself. She has been depressed in the past but never got help. She has also spent the last 12 months cutting off her family (says she does not love her mum), always accusing her sister of being a bad parent, obsessing looking at other peoples business on facebook and making negative comments. We also moved our son out of his school last summer (he has special needs) over allegations of abuse. She has since been obsessed with getting the headteacher sacked for not acting properly. I agree with her feelings and support this but she has even set up a new facebook account to befriend the teachers at the school under a different name to try and spy on their actions/conversations!
She is being very private with e-mail and mobile but no other man - mutual friend and my own detective work has confirmed this although can never be 100% certain.
She gets very down on herself saying people have worked over her all her life and that the new her won't allow this to happen. Has even accused me of walking all over her. When I ask about her being single parent with our sons she says it won't be any different than it is now. Something I find extremely hurtful.
She then says she could live me forever re day to day but when she thinks about me and her it is not right (although will not elaborate on what not right is). She also says she wants to be good friends and that I can see S whenever I like and that she sees us all spending time together in the future.
She has told our mutual friends that it is all my fault, that she wants a strong man, that the last 13 years have been a mistaken and she has had enough.
I have done my own soul searching. Some of what she says is true in that I could have been more emotional supportive with regard to certain events. However, I don't believe this has been the case over our entire marriage but there are changes I could make that I am making. She is getting angrier by the changes in that why could I not have done them sooner, it makes no difference no and there is no way she sees a future in our marriage. She keeps referring back to needing to find herself, that she has changed in what she wants, she then says it is not me it is her, but contradicts herself by saying it is all my fault.
She is trying to find a new place but finding it difficult as she would have to rely on benefits, plus support from me. She does not like the houses available on benefits, not sure of she can get housing benefits whilst she is joint named on the mortgage and resorts to telling herself she feels worthless and feels trapped.
So how do I deal with this. After the initial shock and begging I am trying to disrtance myself and focus on my sons, myself by getting to the gym but it is all starting to tear me up. I have read about detachment and everytime I start to feel progress my Wife starts being nice and I am back to square 1. Like yesterday morning I let her lie in bed, took youngest out and when I arrived home she was really grateful for the lie in, cooked some lunch for us all, was talkative. Then she says she is going looking at a house which set me right back again.
I feel like i am on an emotional rollercoaster. I have told her I accept her decision etc and will support her. That has difused everything and the tension is a lot less. I have stopped snooping as there is still a nagging doubt re OM in my search for answers to all this.
We don't argue and she seems to be carrying on like there is nothing wrong. My mum called round the other day and was shocked that W seemed to be carrying on like nothing was wrong etc.
Can someone please advise how i handle this. We are still sleeping in the same bed (no touching/intimacy) but it is like a ticking time bomb until she sorts out a place of her own. I 100% want this to work but don't want to carry on in what feels like limbo at the moment. I have ordered DR but has not arrived yet but did read the chapter on this site.
On my last thread a poster confirmed it sounds like MLC. That was my assumption but a mutual friend commented that W did not look herself, looked depressed and was shaking when talking to her.
I want to help W through anything whether it saves the marriage or not. She is not herself but I am worried that when she moves out the greener grass will not be greener. That she is looking for happiness elsewhere but is not happy with herself and has decided the only thing she can change is the marriage which will help her feel better.
I know lots are going through similar on this site, but any tips on how to be around my wife, how to handle this myself would be greatly appreciated.
