Hello! 20 year marriage teetering on the brink...

[25yearsmlc]

Saw this and wanted to make a quick comment

Patience is what is killing me with this stuff. If your gut is telling you not to do it then there is a really good reason for those doubts.

Thanks Sam, you're confirming what I was thinking as well. I'd like to think that Retrouvaille would be some eye-opening experience for her and me both, but the potential downside is that she'll have the opposite reaction to it and it'll end up being backsliding instead of forward progress.

I almost think that^^ "backsliding" BECAUSE of Retrovaille is impossible. Why? B/C UNLIKE some mc's, who rehash the past, Retrovaille itself cannot hurt a m, in my opinion.

It's not a GET HER BACK program. It's NOT a "FALL IN LOVE AGAIN" retreat
(which might only remind you of how far out of love your spouse feels).

It's a structured program that has at its' core, some "team couples" who have been thru hell and back

and will make your marriage problems pale in comparison. They tell you their stories, and you cannot help but be grateful for your sitch b/c they have lost children to death, an unspeakable grief,

had out of wedlock babies, affairs, drug abuse, DUIs, jail, terminally ill parents living with them, and or combinations of these things...

AND YET they are working on their m's and saying "it's worth it" and they are in good places NOW-- but once, were not.

They are inspiring. And they give you some tools to improve your communication and to do some self discovery.

I'd suggest getting her there anyway you can BUT---and this is KEY--once there

YOU CANNOT pressure her! So No staring at her to take the temperature of the m, or wondering if she is "getting it". No hopeful but insecure glances "checking" on her...

THAT is the way you can undermine the good that Retrovaille can achieve, So beware of those traps...and leave the results up to God.

Just go, do YOUR work, detach from hers, and hope for the best.

I saw and experienced some miraculous things at ours. 25 couples were there and all of us were in a crisis. Almost half had at least one spouse who wanted out.

ALL the couples felt hope by the end of the weekend. Most of the couples continued on in the follow up program

- which is hugely helpful. Its like the weekend opens your eyes and jump starts things but the follow up is where you get the better tools for long term changing of your negative dynamics.

4 years later, 20 or 21 are still married. Not bad, given the circumstances of their being at Retrovaille in the first place.




She's about a week from moving out and I really think it's going to take 3 to 6 months before she even begins to consider reconciliation based on the success threads I've read here, so I don't think I'll push for Retrouvaille unless there's some miraculous turnaround on her part in the next month.

When is it, exactly? Also they will interview her privately on the phone to allay her concerns and to feel her out (and you as well). They can answer questions then too.

IMO, RETROVAILLE may be what gets her to think of reconciling, as opposed to you waiting for her to want to and THEN going...

I was mostly "out the door" when we went to Retrovaille...and I was NOT committed to working on things. I had become the WAS after being the LBS for 2 years...but it changed things and h had an amazingly moving breakthrough that meant the world to me...

You MIGHT want to go sooner rather than later as I cannot see it harming your sitch...

THEN maybe do the follow up work even if living apart. Don't write it off so fast. I found it MUCH more "efficient" than weekly meetings with a MC...so much more... and as I said, the folks on the board at Retrovaille can help you plan this out. Call them and ask!
/color]

Tearing down the walls I have built up has also been really hard. I too have shed more tears in the last month then I have in decades. It is a tough road but it is part of the 180. Hang in there.

Thanks! I've been doing pretty well emotions-wise the last couple of weeks, but I'm sure when W moves out it's going to get tough again for a while. We've worked out a 50-50 split on two of our kids (the 3rd is in college) and even on the weeks I don't have them they'll still be coming to my house after school and W will pick them up there, so I'll get to see them every weekday regardless of whether it's my week or hers.
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Then there will be contact w/her. She will see you so you must use those interactions as opportunities to show your changes.

Make sure you are GAL and start to be a bit mysterious. At some point she must fear losing you. Be less predictable (not "unreliable" as a parent, but less predictable...less available to her...


So that'll make it an easier transition for me (hopefully).

My wife talked about her big brick wall in MC, said she built it around herself and can't take it down now. DB'ing is all about removing it a brick at a time. I wish it could be kicked down, but it was built slowly and has to be deconstructed slowly.

Detach...which is NOT giving up. It is a protective step that also helps you to not pursue and that usually eases tensions in the marital r.

There's more hope in your sitch than in most WAWs I think.

Of course, if she tells you she's gay next week, I might retract.



kidding!...