In 25 years I've probably had a big shouting match with W half a dozen times
Hi AS,
I was taken by the above quote, along with your statement that your wife kept issues "bottled up". My wife of 29 years and I were always best friends, and still are. Did everything together and almost never had arguments, yet she now says she is not in love with me. Andrew Marshall makes a case in this book that we didn't argue enough, and didn't have productive arguments. It makes sense to me, see what you think.
Thanks for the link! I absolutely do believe that the lack of arguing (or in particular, the lack of communication) was an issue in our M. My W has always avoided confrontation, but it got worse after she started on Zoloft 10+ years ago. Her personality changed and she became even more resistant to confrontation. Any little thing that she would perceive as a possible confrontation would cause her to instantly raise the drawbridge and sequester herself within her castle walls. I think I've mentioned upthread that she's terrible at communicating which I think is another big issue. I've discussed this with her many times in the past, I have to really work to draw any info out of her, especially when it comes to her thoughts and feelings. I'm certainly not saying I have no faults in our M, I do. And I've worked hard to change them. But I think her inability to communicate has a lot to do with her unhappiness. She simply cannot voice any issues great or small that make her unhappy, so there's no chance of changing them. She told me things at BD that she has never even mentioned in passing before, and I told her my one great regret in this is she never gave me a chance to change these things. Maybe BD opened a door for her to communicate more in the future, hard to say.
Quick update, D18 is visiting from college and we've had a blast together today! I took all 3 kids out to lunch, then dropped D15 off at a friend's and D18 and S9 and I watched a movie, then I took S9 to a sleepover and D18 and I went to the theater. Now we're back at home about to watch another movie, so it's been movie extravaganza day My W does not care for movies at all, but D18 loves them as much as me and we have the same tastes, so we love doing this together.
Tomorrow I invited W to join us all for lunch, then I'm going over to W's house to install a ceiling fan in D15's room. I'll be leaving D15 and S9 there for their week of visitation. I will miss them, but S9 will be riding the bus to my house and I'll be picking up D15 from drill each day since I leave work earlier than W. W will be picking them up at my house, so even on W's visitation weeks I'll still see them a few hours a day. I think that'll help me adjust.
I dropped off D18 at W's before the 2nd movie so they could spend a couple of hours together. In my limited contacts with W I'm offering no physical contact at all and am exuding PMA, not hard because I've had a great PMA this week When I went to pick up D for the movie, W invited me in to show me they had made white trash (chex mix, pretzels, etc. with white yogurt), my favorite treat that W used to make for me now and then. Interesting. W had borrowed my ladder and I needed it back for a project and she offered to haul it to my house in her van. I told her not to worry about it, I put the top down on my car and was able to take it that way. I detect maybe the slightest hint of pursuit from her, maybe going dim is already having an effect on her. It'll be interesting to see how lunch goes tomorrow. Don't worry, I know that pursuit on my part will just cause her to retreat again, so I'm just going to monitor it for now
My W does not care for movies at all, but D18 loves them as much as me and we have the same tastes, so we love doing this together.