Going Dark; Not Sure I Have The Strength

[NASCARDaddy]

So it has been a couple of weeks now. Boy this week has been more than a little overwhelming to say the least. On Monday, W and I went to court on her motion to have the court temporarily take away my rights to see the kids. Before the hearing she kept glancing over at me like she wanted to come over and say something to me.

At the hearing the judge ruled partially in my favor. He ruled that I would continue to see the children until the next time that the parenting class is held. If I fail to attend that class then he will revisit the matter. He also ruled that there would be no acceleration of the divorce. After the hearing she told me that she needed to talk to me about something.

She told me that I was using up too many minutes on the shared cell plan and that I needed to cut back calling people or the bill was going to be a lot bigger this month. It seemed like she had more she wanted to talk about, but didn't at that time.

Later in the day she texted me and asked me when I was going to tell the kids that I had a girlfriend. I assured her that I did not have a girlfriend. I did have a woman that I had been talking to that maybe I would pursue a romantic relationship with but that I had no intention of doing so until after the divorce. She did not believe that and told me that she hoped I was happy and "she can have you." I asked her why she cared and why the idea of me dating someone else upset her since she had made it clear that she did not want me. She told me that she did not care, and she was just worried about the kids and the cell phone bill.

However, the next morning she texted me again and told me that she was sorry that she had not made me happy and that she wished that things had turned out differently between us. I told her that I was moving on with my life not because I had been unhappy being married to her but because she walked out on me. This led to a long conversation which resulted in her admitting that she has the urge to let me come home but fights it because she doesn't think things will be different.

After telling her that I did not think either of us were ready for me to come home because there were still a lot of things that needed to be resolved I asked her what she wanted from me. She told me that she wanted me to work on my relationship with the kids. I asked her what she wanted to do about us and she said to just work on the relationship with the kids and we would see what happens between us. Finally I asked her if she thought she would ever want me to come home she said that she did not know what she wants right now but to just keep doing what I have been doing and don't give up hope. We have had several other conversations about our relationship and the potential for reconciliation this week, all of them initiated by her.

Suddenly my life is in turmoil again. I had finally reached a point where I was ready to move on with my life, even after my daughter told me that "mommy says she only loves you a little bit." However suddenly I am faced with a scenario where reconciliation is possible and I feel all tied in knots emotionally again. It is what I want and suddenly I have hope that it is possible because she is the one bringing it up, but at the same time I am scared because I don't know if this is really how she feels or if she will end up changing her mind again. I want to believe this is real but I am also afraid that if I go down this road that I will end up getting my heart broken again.