I think I see the picnic!

[2chiquitos]

Why do I feel this way? I'm suddenly all worked up and angry again. I have a feeling that when I am the most vulnerable with H I go into hiding to protect myself. This is when I create disaster/drama.
HELP!

[needgrace]

Hi vero,

I know that feeling very well. (((((((((((( ))))))))))))))

the horse is bucking like crazy, trying to throw you.. hang on, hold your seat and you will develop some mean riding skills, vero.

pema would say that your awareness that you are in the place where you typically create drama/disaster is the first step. (Way to go in being aware.)

the second is to choose something else. (i know easier said than done.)

if all else fails... come back to the picnic for a shot?!? ((((((( )))))))

[2chiquitos]

I created drama. My emotions are so raw right now. I feel shaky inside. No control.

I keep trying to detach by assuming he continues to spend the night with OW. I went through a period of bereavement then acceptance. I'm back at bereavement.

This morning I saw a stuffed toy (penguin) of my kids for the first time. It brought back an awful memory I'd like to share (hoping it will get it out of my system)

As I've said before I believe that lies mean you don't care/love the person you're lying to which is why I struggle so much with all this.

Before I discovered the affair (2mos before) we had gone to Sea World as a family. Little did I know he had gone with OW the week before. On our trip he bought S4 a stuffed toy (white whale). I asked, why did you get that? he didn't care for that animal. He said it was cute. Well after that trip, I never saw it again.

When I started to talk to OW, I found out she had it.

So going back to the toy penguin it brought back that ugly memory.

I couldn't help but seem distant and he kept asking what was wrong. I said, I don't want to talk about it and kept insisting. I cracked. Told him about the whale and ran into the bathroom to cry. I don't want my kids to see me like this. I'm sobbing uncontrollably and shaky.

H was on his way to work and said he was going to take the kids. I don't know where but he knew they shouldn't be here right now.

God I hate this! Is it because I continue to talk to him? Is it because I'm barely detaching?

Last night I wanted to ask you all, Why don't we quit? Seriously.
I wanted to quit last night but something told me, not yet. WHY? I want to talk to that little person inside my head and ask why can't I quit? Why do you think I should keep at it?

[2chiquitos]

I'm not married so I could've just given up a long time ago.

[labug]

You can quit, anytime you want. It's OK.

So quit in your head today. You don't have to say anything to anyone. Just say I'm Done!

You hurt because you have a heart and you love someone. You share a family with that person. Don't beat yourself up about that. Let it be.

Being married doesn't mean you love anyone more or less.

Not being married doesn't make the emotional bond any easier to break as far as I know.

Be good to yourself today.

Quit.

Then see how you feel tomorrow.

[2chiquitos]

Thank you LaBug. I was able to sleep at night with your advice.

Aunt Flo paid me a visit which explains the lack of control of my emotions. I have an appt with OB to get BC. I seriously can't do this another month.

I have an hour to myself and I'm going to enjoy it while kids are asleep. I started watching "The Vow." TEAR JERKER!!

I cried half way thru it. It was a healthy cry. Letting it all out as Pema suggests.

I also read more on Pema. Good stuff. It's helped me more than Al Anon alone. I think I'm slowly filling my toolbox which is great!

I have the awful urge to want to start drama with H. I hate this. It happens when things are great and we have a nice time planned. He's suppose to bring dinner after work and hang out before going to DJ at a wedding.

But then here I come. Evil little witch with a bag of resentment to ruin our night. You know, the witch with the missing teeth, drooling, smell like I haven't showered in weeks. That witch.

I gotta keep that bag of resentment put away and locked up tight. I can use them like weapons. Yesterday after I sobbed about the stuffed animal, he text me that he felt emptiness in his stomach and knew it was from me crying (or his guilt!). I replied, I was just as surprised about my reaction.

I apologized and even gave him a hug and when he came home brushed it off. It wasn't something that could be changed.

Although I am in desperate need of my LLs being met, quality time with H and physical touch. Should I do the unthinkable and submit my request????? :-O

[bustingout]

((((vero))))

i don't think i can answer your question...i don't know. But i do relate to the feelings you are going through right now.

The lies are....well simply an almost unbearable burden...and worse are the ones we know about that they don't know we know.

HOWEVER...it seems your H is at least aware of the pain his actions have had on you. He responds...(I know in my sitch at least H has not once acknowledged my hurt or pain...in fact he has ignored it...which adds another layer of hurt).

its small in the face of the lies i know, but its there.

Thinking of you vero ((((( ))))

[2chiquitos]

Thank you Busting, at least I know I'm not alone.

I have to thank God for giving me the strength to confront H last night. I don't know where it came from but I said,
I know you still talk to (OW) n see her and I want you to stop.
He was shocked and asked why was I saying this.

I didn't want to tell him the little signs I saw everywhere. I knew he would lie about them. I refused to tell him.

I went dark. He was at our house and we only spoke when it had to do with the kids. He ended up staying til 9:30pm. (he was going to leave at 7pm but cancelled his plans to stay because of my reaction/action).

I approached him later on in the night and said in a very caring way, I want you to know what's going on in my head. I don't hate you and I'm not angry.

H: It sure seems that way.

Me: I just can't be so close to you when I know you're still communicating with her. I want to know what's going on in that relationship? What's going on in your head? And no more lies. The lies are what are hurting me right now. I'm able to get past the things you've said but not the lies.

H: I don't want to hurt you. I only talk to her sometimes.

Long story short. I told him I love him but it hurts me to know he's still talking to her and so I need to distance myself from him. He can continue coming to see the kids, but our "friendship" is on hold.

This is the part that makes this decision so D@MN difficult!
He said, I can honestly tell you that everyday I miss you and the kids more. That everyday I ask myself if I will regret this decision.

I think I'm at the acceptance part. I'm not doing this in anger or to get back at him. I'm doing it because having a friendship with him right now is breaking my self esteem. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am loving myself.

But it's so hard to shut him out. I need to remember that I'm doing this for myself. He will be ok and so will I.

Please send me your words of advice.

[NLW]

Vero,
I wish I had your strength!

Setting boundaries like this is probably the best thing to do. You are doing it with love and honesty, and it seems to me that he will recognise this and respect you for it (eventually).

Your are really doing the hard work here - a role model for me.

[LITB]

It's been awhile since I have stopped by Vero. Seems to me like you have come a long way. You are keeping your emotions in check and are cognizant of them to create any unwanted drama. Kudos to you.

The boundary you set is a good one. It won't be easy and you will most likely be tempted to communicate with your H. You will gain more respect from him if your actions align with your words. In this case your boundary. He'll come to the realization that you are protecting yourself and putting yourself first.