Labug, I know what you are saying is the right way to handle the sitch. I know I will get there when the R is stronger. Obviously its no way to live. Anger is a natural emotion, but when it is destructive it needs to be dealt with. He is not violent.
My D19 raised her concerns about his anger with him and he brushed it away by saying, "i've always been like that". So at this point while he knows he has issues, he thinks its ok because its his personality. He has never been a placid person, but he is definitely more easily agitated in the last couple of years. My concern.... he can't keep threatening me with divorce when I get something wrong. I have set that boundary before, but I guess he will do what he will do. I also don't think he remembers things, especially when said in a rage. He doesn't remember the damage he does.
He is very much a perfectionist. He has to have the very same routine every day before work, down to the last detail. He likes to do many things in a very specific way and if anyone interferes, he gets agitated and angry. Probably not the correct diagnosis but you get what I mean. Consequently, we all stay out of his way when he's in the kitchen cooking, for example, because no-one does anything right. Then we get accused of expecting him to do everything. Martyr syndrome. Ho hum! Always treading on eggshells.
Appreciate the advice Labug...you are right and RH I'm making him sound like a monster, but there are lots of endearing qualities also. We'll get there. We all know MLC takes time right? Patience, patience, patience.
Yes, GB, I don't think badly of him. I just grew up with an angry person for a dad and have been an angry person at times so know that its difficult to live with. But we all have our issues. LBS's aren't perfect either, as I well know.
I like your patience, and letting go stance. I'm really having trouble with that. I had much communication with H this week and now it's 6:30 pm and have heard nothing. It's positive he recognized my sister and nephew on FB for their birthdays, yesterday though.
I need to be patient and not fretful, so I'm going to go shopping and perhaps see a movie after, not get home til after midnight. That'll give me something to do instead of stay home and fret.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks RH but I am only a cool cucumber on the surface. Underneath I am very fearful of the future. Deep down I believe my H does love me and doesn't want a D, but he is struggling with these issues that he doesn't understand himself. That's why I am willing to support and be patient with him and use GAL to meet most of my needs for now. I read your current post on your thread and will comment there soon. Go enjoy yourself RH and take your mind off your sitch, I know how it overwhelms us most of the time.
Labug I stated a boundary a few months back after a confrontation with H. After a ML incident, he told me he still wanted to proceed with a D. I validated and said I was ready to move on. But it really hurt me and I went on an internet dating site (stupid) thinking it would make me feel better if I got some attention. He found out and threatened to take me to L immediately to fasttrack this thing (his words). At that time I told him he was not to continue to threaten me as he had done repeatedly over the last 12 months. I was doing my best, but am bound to backslide and make mistakes. If he was really serious he should go to the L and get the D. Then he would no longer have me to blame for his problems. He never mentioned D again, except his attempted threat the other day over the shirt thing. He seemed to pull back after saying "I knew you would never change". I think he realised.
He didn't seem to remember the other 3 times previously when he has done the same thing. He looked completely confused when I mentioned it.
I know it's hard to keep our cool with these guys, especially since they seem to be able to push our buttons. I feel like I'm always under the microscope, always being tested.
I think when I finally accepted that his anger was really about him, and not me, I could deal with him much better.
You are doing great, being that cool cucumber! Your H probably wishes he had that demeanor!
I hope you do something fun or nice for yourself this weekend. You most certainly deserve it
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Do you feel it too TVS. It's an awful way to live. I have to keep telling myself its not about me. It's all we can do to keep some sanity. I have lots of wonderful things in my life too, and ill try and focus on those.
GAL, I'm not sure where your boundary was. The boundary has to have a consequence which you enforce otherwise it is just a threat. It isn't clear to me that you had an enforceable consequence. I only bring this up because it seems it could be very helpful to you and your family. He sounds verbally abusive and no one should feel they need to take that.
It is an awful way to live. Boundaries are to protect you. You are worth it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You are right Labug..maybe I am avoiding issues for now to keep the peace but I look at it differently. I am trying to get in a good place with H at present to show him my changes are permanent. I can feel our R getting stronger. There are definitely things that need to be worked through, it will happen. I'm also working on the best way to approach the issues by learning, reading, getting good solid advice from this board, my DB coach and trusted friends. Am expecting a few hurdles along the way.
I have explained these things to my kids (S18, D19) and they have shown remarkable self-control for young adults. My S25 has now moved out of home. As he was also a dynamic here which was causing us grief, life is less complicated at home as a result.
Overall things are looking up, I just have to keep the changes going.
I promise Labug I will get that boundary set. Thankyou you are so very wise.
I didn't realize S25 had moved out. I see that is better for all of you, maybe him, too?
I think that part of the reason these sitches take so long to resolve is the time to accept those changes. I know my H says he thinks my changes are permanent. But when he talks to me, or tells me what he says to his new friends, it is always the way I acted in the past. Never how it is right now! Maybe because he doesn't see us as having a R right now? Idk.
I'm cautiously happy for you as your R is getting stronger. You are working really hard in a difficult circumstance for your M and your R.
Is the cruise next month? Has that topic been visited recently with you and H?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
