O aren't we in similar situations. I have tried to catch up on your sitch by backreading threads but its a bit hard cos not all threads have previous ones linked in.
I'm pretty strong minded and an only child so very independent (perhaps that should say never learned compromise). I think my H just gave up offering a view point because I vetoed everything.
I do now recognise tho that H is spinning plates and making frontline decisions daily so was happy to leave decisions to me but I got resentful in the end.
My H is conflict avoidant too - he recently told me in ansa to how are you doing? Head firmly buried in the sand and stumbling from one day to the next.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Head firmly buried in the sand and stumbling from one day to the next. LOL!! Sound like someone I know.
As far as my story, if you click on my name to the left there is a dropdown, click on view posts. That brings up a list and above that is a Topics Created selection. That will bring them all up.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It does make me smile but I also feel compassion about it too, he's been in that place for two years.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Bug - you're first thread was called "Is my head in the sand?" LOL
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Been reading here for a few hours (really Tumbling GAL!) and now have some musing/questions that I have got myself confused with.
? If H hasn't actually said he's done (just gone dark/into hiding/caving) why am I dim?
? If what has worked in the past to restart coms is me sending a friendly text, why am I doing LRT and waiting on him?
? Does he know I'd be interested if he wanted to pick up the ball?
I know I wanted to try something different to change the dynamic but I'm scared if I don't do some "over here" calling so to speak we will just drift on like this. I'm always been the first mover with us, I even asked him out.
I guess what I am driving at is does my email about the work on the house have to be so unfriendly? (I don't know how to link to the draft email it's on page 5)
Meanwhile back to focusing on me, time for a G&T
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
You thought it sounded unfriendly? I thought it was friendly but gave him room to make some decisions for himself.
So I guess I need to ask if you think what you did before helped your sitch over all? He is now living out of the home, right? Usually when people move out it's because they need space.
If he never contacts you again, what does that mean to you?
That's a tough one, really think about it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I guess the email is different to the usual way I communicate w H.It's very cut and dried/business like and the impression I would get receiving such an email is that he just wants to get on with house stuff and is letting me go (guess that's the point?).
If I was going to try and open us up like before I would say "There's also a bunch of mail here. If you want to come over one evening, maybe we could grab a bite to eat." Kind of leaving something to pick up. But then it sets me up for disappointment and with my new view from earlier "controls" what time he gets the mail and what we will do. So I will risk it this time.
As to what I did before helping my sitch overall? Well no, he's not living here and we have been doing "this" whatever its called so maybe not.
We were doing real good til May (I had my inner drama queen, inner child and whatever else in control), we sometimes talked about him coming home and then these guy things occurred and I lost control.
But each time over the last 24mths (until the drama in July) when he has "run away/caved" for a period again I have intimated that I am still here, txtng starts and then I invite him to do something with me e,g a walk or fixing something in the house (i.e not talking about the situation). At Xmas it was him who picked up the ball first and then I took "control" driving the relationship along (I want to do that differently too in future).
In July the no show on our anniversary was it for me. I was very hurt and didn't want to know. He reached for me and I pushed back and then a week or so later I tried to "break in" to his space and he pushed me back but we text daily "morning" "sleep well" from then until he eventually asked to come over and said those things that I had been waiting to hear for 2 years.
It's a horrible situation because when we spend time together it's like none of this has happened. We don't really talk about the R, I just enjoy our time together and I think he does too. That's prob why this has gone on so long. It's good and then he runs sometimes for a long while, sometimes for a day usually because I squeeze for abit more (will do that differently in future w DB help).
I joined the board because I want this to be our last "break up" dance because honestly I don't think I can put myself in a position to end up here again. And this time feels different already perhaps we both feel the same.
We are both doing NC. I don't know what his reasons are. I'm grateful tho that he text last week when I asked if he was ok. And take it as a good sign that he misses me. I think he can do simple coms just no emotional or R talk currently.
I don't want to pry the door open like the other times as I want this to be different and I want to be strong enough to say what I want this time.
I am panicking a bit tho as the month is running out. I've visitors next w/e and 1 Oct he goes on business again for 3 weeks. I feel we are running out of time to reconnect which is stupid cos in Feb he went away for 3 weeks and that's when I got myself centred.
What I do know is I have to be clear on what I want if we pick up again. This is what this gift of time is for.
I will think more about the "never contacts you again" question.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Tumbling, my H behaved the same way when we spent time together during our separation. Like nothing wrong was happening. No R talk, just enjoy our time together. Just four weeks ago we had an amazing day together. I thought this was good news, but he recently said he still wanted to see what it's like being with other women and might file for D.
We have only spoken once in the past 22 days--and that was to express the "need to date" thing.
It's baffling. His behavior makes no sense.
What I would say is that WAS's behave in very similar ways, and finding a reason won't help. DB techniques will help those who have just started on this journey, but I don't know how effective it is for long-term situations--like ours. Who knows. Don't mean to sound too negative, but that's my honest assessment at this point.
At least know you're not the only one who's going through this.
My H and I continue to have great times together (not always, but frequently enough). It's completely as though nothing at all has changed.
But then, he always comes back to "We are not married anymore", "We have to divide our assets and move on".
It makes me feel like I'm going mad.
As 25 says, they are on a 'mission' and nothing we do can change that.
Maybe it's the only thing in their lives they feel they have control over.. who knows?
It is baffling, it doesn't make sense; and there's pretty much nothing we can do but focus on ourselves.
When it gets you down, think about all of us out here (dotted all around the world) who know exactly how you feel. And we're all chugging on, one day at a time. We will get through this!
Thanks Tori and NLW for your comments. One thing I will say is that H has never mentioned wanting a divorce nor splitting our assets. It's me who talks about that when I am feeling desperate for this sitch to end. When he first left he talked about needing to reset things between us by dating so I guess that's what we've been doing until his conflict over telling me about the sailing trip.
On good days I believe he's on a MLC journey to making peace with his relationship with his folks. On bad days I think he is too scared to tell me that he wants out.
I want to be lovingly detached and let him do what he needs to do without worrying that our marriage will breakdown. In July when I asked to see him, he said he couldn't cos his head was a mess and so I said can we talk then and he said I can't right now. I answered "and that's perfectly ok, i know you will when you can". And he did the next day. I want to stay in that headstate and believe he will when he can. I want to be the lighthouse in his fog.
Another thing that is part of the problem in my mind is his job. He loves it but I don't think it loves him. 12hr days frontline defence stuff, jetting all over the world and then coming back to the issues that have built up. The night before he moved out I happened to ask how's work and he broke down and said he wasn't coping and hadn't been for awhile. Now he lives in a room on site, no kitchen, not looking after himself, putting on weight, you get the picture. He's in a mess but I know I can't fix him.
I want to detach but be available to rebuild our relationship when he's ready. I think that's been the problem up til now, I've wanted more than he could give.
Please help me to lovingly detach but not seem cold to my H
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
