I've done everything wrong and need help!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Been readin what you wrote 25 years,

I guess nothing is different today apart from now knowing for sure she's with this OM and she's totally into him and letting him into our home and relax on my sofa and make love in my bed with my wife.

Yes it's all resentment and ego I know.

I agree anger and patience is something I need to work on in dealing with my actions now. Yes I've always had I want it now attitude with material things.



I really am a good guy though. Everyone tells me that.

Kevin this isn't "bad OR good" guy thing. It's just about you tweaking yourself to improve OR making a major overhaul...depends on who you are now and who you want to be.

Tell me (and yourself) some traits you like about yourself that are specifically reflected in behaviors. Like saying "I'm loyal" sounds good but is vague. Have you stuck up for someone at risk to yourself, even if only a social risk?

that's the type of thing to learn and know about yourself, and let show...just as an example.


People trust me and are always talking to me and asking "how's Kev gettin on" when friends are together.

I do have a selfish streak.

that's ^^ probably something to work on. I noticed that sometimes men say it like it's not a big deal or it's a minor "quirk", but to women it's seen very differently. Like "selfish = not loving"...

Sometimes I get defensive at being critisised but I normally think about things and if someone's right admit my mistakes and try to improve. It's all that stuff that's kept me clean and sober for 19 years now.

Great.


Am not scared to look at myself.

I just don't understand why she's done this. Taken such an extreme choice rather than sit down with me and work it out. We always got on great even in the weeks before she dropped the bomb we would sit and laugh and joke and talk.


THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO TRUST THAT IN TIME,

THE GOOD MEMORIES AND FEELINGS WILL RE-SURFACE,

WHICH THEY PROBABLY WILL DO

UNLESS

SOMEONE ELSE BLOCKS THEM, AND I DON'T MEAN OM...

I mean you.

By reminding her of the bad negativity from you, and or by using your parental judgemental voice,

you drown out her inner voice. (My DB coach told me to "watch the parental tone in [my]voice b/c" it would keep my h from really looking at his choices b/c I kept on forcing him to defend the choices...

Your w needs to listen to the one voice she can hear about what the "good days w/kevin were REALLY like"...her own inner voice


My searching for answers to how shes behaving hasn't help either I know.

there are no "good" answers

except for what we can work on in ourselves, b/c that's actually productive AND within our control.

Otherwise you spin your wheels and stay stuck in neutral. Don't be in "Bittersville"- population, you.



Reading about "fogs" or gaslighting just has frustrated me even more because it seems like something I can start with to begin fixing "glad I wrote that, it's made me laugh, is that something I need to look at, lose of control, tryin to fix others?"

I don't really want the softly softly approach. People to say its all ok and that. But right now I am sensitive.

Kevin

all I'm saying is that this is either a permanent change or it's not, right?


So if it is permanent, regardless of why,

all YOU can do is move forward and behave with dignity and honor and strength so you'll never have regrets.

And if it is NOT permanent, e.g.,

if this is about her dad's death or depression or a mixture of those things AND some marital issues in TIME you will know...BUT

your course of action remains the same.

So read the book...and let us know what you think.