I've done everything wrong and need help!!!!!

[DaddyLongShanks]

Thanks for the reply,

My posting that letter on here was my knowing there was a lot of stuff in it that I shouldn't or didn't want to say. It's frustration. I feel like am being treated like an a**hole.

I wasn't perfect by any means but I never hit her, was cruel to her, always supported her choices, let her be herself. Encouraged her to see friends and keep close. Was always telling her I loved her and thought she was the most beautiful woman in there world. I adored her. I know everyone says forget the dads death thing but that's when she changed. I was still there for her. Even when she used to vent her anger at me. I didn't treat her badly for doing that I understood this was her grief doing this.

I was a good husband. Maybe just not the husband for her. Friend have commented her dads death changed HER. These aren't my words. And also some believe no matter who she was with this would have happened. Am not sure how true that is.

Yes am angry, very p**sed off about how am being treated. Lied to, deceived, back stabbed. Divorce is one thing but add to it the let down of infidelity and then seeing the person you married become a complete lier and cruel to you with no thought of your feelings in the space if weeks. To say it has blown me away is an understatement. It's totally effect me as a person.

The natural me is not a violent person. I gave that up when I gave up drink and drugs 20 years ago when I was a boy.

25years, she has made it perfectly clear and has never moved her opinion that this is over for her. She needs more in life and wants to be happy. It feels to me like this was the first major hurdle in our marriage and she jumped off the horse rather than face this with me.

It's gotten to the stage for me where I can't have these feelings any longer because they are eating me up inside.

Yes that letter was anger. Anger at bring pushed around by her. She wants this divorce to be all tidy and neat so she can slip away with out any accountability for her wreckage. That makes me feel used and abused.

Your right I don't know what to do anymore. Am helpless and powerless and I want it back. I want control again but am not gonna get walked all over while she goes screwing around with this guy like its all ok.

Yes I am p**sed off.

Kevin

Well just think about it. Several weeks ago or whatever it was, your wife filled a part of you with the interaction...

Now, she's doing the WAS thing and that part is not being filled. It will create a void, it will hurt and it will make you feel powerless. These are normal feelings.

We were all pissed off. The key is to do something constructive during this time phase, because to continue to mope over your situation is only going to drag your emotions down.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Edit also the last long post was meant to say never cruel to her.

Kevin,

Make sure you have a good weekend. We all know exactly how you feel. Focus on what you need to be doing. The situation as what it was with the WAS is over, for now. Maybe she will come to her senses, she most likely won't.

Have a good weekend.

[Am I Too Late]

Kev,

I am ticked off too, but i want to become a better person, so that is 2 reason i am here.

Anger and chaotic thinking has not made me improve, so i am trying a different approach with brutally honest slaps from members here.

It has been 3 years and what i have thought and tried have not worked, so i am turning it over to others advice who seem to have a clearer perspective.

Good luck on discovering what you want and determining the right path to achieve that goal.

Ed

[25yearsmlc]

Oh yea I want reconciliation but she's made it clear its not gonna happen.

I've not read DB or DR yet. Am not gonna lie about that.

why haven't you read one of those books? After all this anger and energy you spend spinning your wheels, you lack the...energy...the discipline, the....the what, to read A SINGLE BOOK?

It forms the whole basis of our philosophy and DBing and this approach IS DIFFERENT THAN MOST marriage counselling approaches, which I know for a fact. We are solution based and we do NOT go into psychoanalysis to diagnose people we cannot control

So, no wonder you don't get it. But it tells me something, I fear.

I fear you are a man who likes to skate by, doing the least amount needed to get what you want. MAYBE that's something to look at in your r's.

I mean, posting HERE on this site for weeks, seeing us all say "get the book asap and read it and then you'll "get it" "THen you'll do better at this and THEN you'll see some progress..."


and then you don't....but you'd take the time to spew your anger on paper and post it here. WHY? You said you adored her and loved her and you even say you want a reconciliation...then

Read one of the DB books. I read them both, more than once. The 2nd one is more recent so I suggest that one (Div Remedy).


And if you really believe that your wife changed SOLELY b/c of her father's death

and there's "NOTHING ANYONE" could do if they'd been married to her,

then so be it. It's over.

Nothing you can do but hope someday you find someone who already lost their parents.

but if you think maybe, just maybe, you're like the rest of us and actually have flaws or character traits you'd like to change (and you do have anger and you do lack patience)

and that something in you MIGHT have played a role in how she sees you or how she feels about you (including now, of which I'm positive)

then look at it

and make changes in you that YOU want to make. Not to get her back, but to become the Kevin you want to become.

I don't hear any insight on your end about a 180 or how you can be the best Kevin you can be. Not one mistake in your whole m? NOT ONE REGRET ABOUT ANY BEHAVIOR OR YOURS? Wow...and no, I don't mean the "in hindsight I see that she used me..." b/c that's all just more blaming her.

Of course, it'd be easier for you to process this and to understand this AND to move forward

if you'd actually read the book.

Ask yourself why you won't take the time to read a book at least 5 people have urged you to read.

It's not heavy or dense. It's relevant to a situation YOU SAY is important to you.

I just think it's very curious.

NOW ONTO SOMETHING ELSE....

what is it, specifically that you are so mad about TODAY?

How is she "using" you?

I thought she said she wants out, she sees no hope and she wants the divorce.

As devastating as that is to know, what is it that makes you feel she's not respecting your boundaries NOW?

Not back in April, but now?

IOW As of today, what is it you think is so bad about her behavior ---

GIVEN that she wants a divorce?

What choices is she making that so irritate and insult you, lately?

I think I must have missed something in the thread.

[25yearsmlc]

Kev,

I am ticked off too, but i want to become a better person, so that is 2 reason i am here.

Anger and chaotic thinking has not made me improve, so i am trying a different approach with brutally honest slaps from members here.

Reading the book BEFORE posting here, usually works best. IF you found this site before you found the book(s), so be it.

But please read one of them. It's easier for US to help you and not have to explain "cheeseless tunnels" and LRT and going dark and a 100 other concepts if you read the book AND understand it AND accept it as the approach you are going to use.


It has been 3 years and what i have thought and tried have not worked, so i am turning it over to others advice who seem to have a clearer perspective.

I noticed you have not answered the questions asked of you on your thread, though you said you wanted to...so how are you?

NO hijack meant Kevin...AITL, I'll check your thread later. Take care!



Good luck on discovering what you want and determining the right path to achieve that goal.

Ed

[KevinScotland]

Morning folks,

Ok I will not post on here, speak to me wife or do anything until I have read DR.

Kevin.

[KevinScotland]

Been readin what you wrote 25 years,

I guess nothing is different today apart from now knowing for sure she's with this OM and she's totally into him and letting him into our home and relax on my sofa and make love in my bed with my wife.

Yes it's all resentment and ego I know.

I agree anger and patience is something I need to work on in dealing with my actions now. Yes I've always had I want it now attitude with material things. I really am a good guy though. Everyone tells me that. People trust me and are always talking to me and asking "how's Kev gettin on" when friends are together. I do have a selfish streak. Sometimes I get defensive at being critisised but I normally think about things and if someone's right admit my mistakes and try to improve. It's all that stuff that's kept me clean and sober for 19 years now.

Am not scared to look at myself.

I just don't understand why she's done this. Taken such an extreme choice rather than sit down with me and work it out. We always got on great even in the weeks before she dropped the bomb we would sit and laugh and joke and talk.

My searching for answers to how shes behaving hasn't help either I know. Reading about "fogs" or gaslighting just has frustrated me even more because it seems like something I can start with to begin fixing "glad I wrote that, it's made me laugh, is that something I need to look at, lose of control, tryin to fix others?"

I don't really want the softly softly approach. People to say its all ok and that. But right now I am sensitive.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Been readin what you wrote 25 years,

I guess nothing is different today apart from now knowing for sure she's with this OM and she's totally into him and letting him into our home and relax on my sofa and make love in my bed with my wife.

Yes it's all resentment and ego I know.

I agree anger and patience is something I need to work on in dealing with my actions now. Yes I've always had I want it now attitude with material things.



I really am a good guy though. Everyone tells me that.

Kevin this isn't "bad OR good" guy thing. It's just about you tweaking yourself to improve OR making a major overhaul...depends on who you are now and who you want to be.

Tell me (and yourself) some traits you like about yourself that are specifically reflected in behaviors. Like saying "I'm loyal" sounds good but is vague. Have you stuck up for someone at risk to yourself, even if only a social risk?

that's the type of thing to learn and know about yourself, and let show...just as an example.


People trust me and are always talking to me and asking "how's Kev gettin on" when friends are together.

I do have a selfish streak.

that's ^^ probably something to work on. I noticed that sometimes men say it like it's not a big deal or it's a minor "quirk", but to women it's seen very differently. Like "selfish = not loving"...

Sometimes I get defensive at being critisised but I normally think about things and if someone's right admit my mistakes and try to improve. It's all that stuff that's kept me clean and sober for 19 years now.

Great.


Am not scared to look at myself.

I just don't understand why she's done this. Taken such an extreme choice rather than sit down with me and work it out. We always got on great even in the weeks before she dropped the bomb we would sit and laugh and joke and talk.


THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO TRUST THAT IN TIME,

THE GOOD MEMORIES AND FEELINGS WILL RE-SURFACE,

WHICH THEY PROBABLY WILL DO

UNLESS

SOMEONE ELSE BLOCKS THEM, AND I DON'T MEAN OM...

I mean you.

By reminding her of the bad negativity from you, and or by using your parental judgemental voice,

you drown out her inner voice. (My DB coach told me to "watch the parental tone in [my]voice b/c" it would keep my h from really looking at his choices b/c I kept on forcing him to defend the choices...

Your w needs to listen to the one voice she can hear about what the "good days w/kevin were REALLY like"...her own inner voice


My searching for answers to how shes behaving hasn't help either I know.

there are no "good" answers

except for what we can work on in ourselves, b/c that's actually productive AND within our control.

Otherwise you spin your wheels and stay stuck in neutral. Don't be in "Bittersville"- population, you.



Reading about "fogs" or gaslighting just has frustrated me even more because it seems like something I can start with to begin fixing "glad I wrote that, it's made me laugh, is that something I need to look at, lose of control, tryin to fix others?"

I don't really want the softly softly approach. People to say its all ok and that. But right now I am sensitive.

Kevin

all I'm saying is that this is either a permanent change or it's not, right?


So if it is permanent, regardless of why,

all YOU can do is move forward and behave with dignity and honor and strength so you'll never have regrets.

And if it is NOT permanent, e.g.,

if this is about her dad's death or depression or a mixture of those things AND some marital issues in TIME you will know...BUT

your course of action remains the same.

So read the book...and let us know what you think.

[KevinScotland]

Hey folks,

Haven't contacted my wife so far so that's been 6 days. Hopefully the DR book will arrive tomorrow so I can start reading it. I just wanted to post because am feelin pretty low and anxious at the moment. Guess its withdrawals.

I've actually been pretty good this week in not wanting to contact my wife. Rather than a massive urge to do so I've been not too bothered. In the last 2 days I did do some Facebook stalking. Maybe that's why am anxious at the moment.

Had a good week so far. I stayed over night last night in a hotel in the Scottish countryside and today went on a Segway experience. Different but fun.

Dunno what's next. Just wanted to share am feeling anxious. My theory is no need to keep they thoughts in my head. Better to get them out.

Kevin

[Accuray]

Shrek says "better out than in"

--Donkey