Not sure if this is going to work

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know - I think I don't even really know what a real marriage looks like ... I compare us a lot ... I never had good relationships. I never saw them modeled. I look at them now but who knows if what I observe about others is really the real story. Y'know?

A suggestion I heard once was to "envision & ask for what YOU need to have, at a comfortable minimum, and envision what you'd love to have in an ideal world. Be prepared to negotiate the difference", and go from there.

None of us know what's really inside another's marriage. It's not knowable from the outside. We cannot know what a great marriage looks like, from the inside, unless we are inside it, or had it and then lost it.



I'd love to know what real marriages look like b/c sometimes I think I'm so hard on him and I - and other times I think I'm too forgiving.


You ask am I in love with him? I was - for years. But despite that, I also give my love away to people who don't and haven't treated me well. So I don't know.

that ^^^answer isn't really applicable to him now, you know? It's about you, & your fears.

And this past year. My fear is that while it's not immediately nagging at me now, it will.

So your FEAR (buzz word!!) is that in the future, you will...what? NOT love him? ESN, That always exist as a possibility.

Don't forget that love is, at least partly, a choice we must make on a daily basis. IT's a brave choice too.

You have some control & responsibility in this arena. You will CHOOSE to love your d, even when she has a tantrum, correct? So choose to love whomever you are in a committed r with.

We are not always lovable but we still need and want love AND we hope our committed r's yield that for us.

Similarly, Our spouses have days when they are not so lovable. But we CHOOSE to love, anyhow...just as our Creator loves us no matter what. (Though We are not divine, we can try to follow the example, eh?)


Like I lost respect for him. For a man who would leave his family

Then forgiveness is your task. I think seeing the r history through his eyes will help you in that.

I doubt very much he sees himself as a man "who would leave his family", and from how you described things back then, (i.e., "toxic & destructive"), he may have done the best thing for all of you. But hey, I don't know the guy.


... even though he showed up for our daughter and wanted more time with her -

that's^^^^ a great thing

then I think - well I can't love a man who would try to take his daughter from her momma.

so there's no way for him to win on this, is there? Do you see how it's a no win for him the way you structured it?

1) If he wants to see his d, he's "trying to take his d away from her momma" BUT

2) if he does NOT make an effort to see his d, he's a deadbeat dad who shirks.

Try to see this^^^ or you may get stuck in anger you feel b/c he wanted out of the r with you, not her. So laying it all on him as a character flaw either way, does let you off the hook. Not so fair.

And now he's probing the possibility of things BETWEEN YOU TWO getting better, but you are making his fathering efforts, about him being a bad guy, no matter what--

So I'd ask you this, Are you setting him up for failure (see the 'no win' way^^^)

to confirm your fears about him, so you can avoid risking too much?

Do you see any validity to that?


Then I think he doesn't see our basic needs, even though he asked me to spell them out tonight, and I did ... lousily, and he listened. And said "What can I do."


Hey, He's not a mind reader BUT he asked you THE question so he could know the answer...

and then you "lousily" answered???

so I assume some sarcasm or anger came out OR

vagueness b/c maybe you don't know the basic needs?? Whatever,

either way, it bugged you and it showed, right? So there are some behaviors that are the same coming from you towards him.

I don't know enough to recognize anything new from him but he did something few men who are in defense mode would do, which is that

he still listened to you even after you gave the "answer, lousily",

and then he gave what sounds like the best answer, "What can I do?"

To ME, sounds like The guy is trying. I'd give that response an "A+".

Is it possible you are just going thru the motions of "trying",

but the reality is,

you are making it SO hard for him b/c either,

you are "that way with men right now"

OR

b/c you don't really want to be with him?

How'd your prior r's end with the guys you dated?



I think my love is a little pulled back right now. I'm numb.

Take it slowly...make sure you have some tools and you'll know that when you see conflicts being resolves, grudges get let go (and not picked back up!)

and by small but consistently different behaviors on his and YOUR end.

(I say that b/c this is NOT ALL about HIS WORK or changes, right?)

You say you've grown and learned a lot. I believe you. So, Let's see that knowledge now implemented into new behaviors, okay?

BTW How are your other r's doing now, with family and friends?

Bottom line is, IF whatever you've learned does not change how you react with HIM, then it's for nought, as it relates to this r.

Maybe it's a lack of forgiveness thing (forgiveness is absolutely a learned skill and if you did not see it growing up, you have to learn how to do it)

OR maybe you're just not right for each other and the purpose of your r, was to produce a lovely new being.

And if that's so, you can say "mission accomplished" and co-parent as best you can.