Bklyn Still Here P2

[BklynMom]

Thks Vero & hopeful and everyone following along.

I am definitely moving into the acceptance phase of this journey. The feelings that come up now are more intense and deeper then ever. A deep materialistic sadness for my daughters. When they leave for the weekend that wound is so unsettling.

I read recently that now in zoos they need to euthanize some exotic young animals because they don't have the facilities to care for them at the zoo. But they allow the mother to stay with their offspring until the animal is 2 because of the emotional damage it does to the mother to have the baby taken away before it is 2 yr old.

Each time my girls are away for the weekend I feel this loss around me, that I am missing part of myself. It doesn't matter how busy I am, it feels like I am missing a limb. They are a part of me still, they are still babies.

Yesterday the 2 year old screamed I want my mommy as she left. My FIL called and told me she was okay 5 minutes later but the wound in my heart is real as is the wound in hers.

Also upsetting in this acceptance phase is coming to terms with that my R with my H was a lie. That he married me because he was afraid to leave me not because he loved me. Its very hard to breathe that truth in. Its very hard to know that the man I was committed to loving through all his crap was not willing to love me through my crap. He was not willing help me find a cure for my disease.

I really believed my H and I had a soulful & life long connection. Now that he has left me and his daughters for a year and half, now that he has come out and said he is in a new relationship with the woman he was merely "friends" with when he left us, I feel like my mind trick me into having a deeper connection with him then I actually did.

I recognize now that I too lived in a fantasy world. I knew sometimes that I had upset him and he would deny it and say everything is okay. My next R will be with someone who is more in touch with himself, just as I have become more in touch with myself.

Now that I have cleaned up a lot of my baggage it is much easier to see what is left over and what belongs to him.

These boards and Al anon have saved me, thks. Back to working out and weekend GALing