I have drafted a short email about the admin stuff.
H is back from business trip this morning I think and will be suffering from jetlag so I am going to send it tomorrow. I have included a sentence about recognising he is tired from his trip and not in the mood for making decisions but when he gets a mo can he look it over.
Will have to see what he responds, if anything.
Ho hum on with my day
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Did you send it already? Sometimes it's good to post those here to get a few different sets of eyes on things. I had such a control issue that I would write things and not realize how controlling they sounded. Other people pick that stuff up quickly.
You lamented in an earlier post that you might never get the chance to talk this out. Start believing that to be true and keep the focus on you. Actions speak louder than words. Seeing you change will be much more effective but there are no guarantees.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi Bug Here is the email. I would rather not contact him at all for awhile longer so that he gets to feel free of me but i want to get this house project underway.
After the anni no show I sent an email similar in tone about taking a time out, not changing any of our current financial arrangements and where did he want the mail sent from now on. He replied that he could pass by the house when i wasn't there if i didnt want to see him to pick up mail. He also put some emotional stuff in about his nightmare and not knowing what he was doing and that he loved me.
HERE IS MY DRAFT Any amends gratefully received
Hi H Before I went away I asked if the contractor could reduce the price. It is now requoted at £x (700 less) I still think it’s a bit high but neither of us have the time to get alternative quotes. Is this ok with you?
I know you will be tired from flying in from xxx right now and could do without making a decision about the work on the house but when you get a minute please would you let me know what you think, I don’t want to spend our money without your agreement.
There’s also a bunch of mail here for you – I think some of it is xxxx. Do you want me to open it?
Thanks, T
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Another question. I was going to send it tomorrow morning before I go out for lunch with friends but then I thought he might txt he'll come over and get the post that afternoon (prob won't due to jetlag but you never know).
I so want to see him and don't want to miss the opportunity so now I'm thinking send it in the evening (the time he responded when I sent this kind of email before was an evening - he didnt when i sent the last one in the morning)
However, is a bigger 180 to send it in the morning and if he says he'll come over and get mail that I txt "OK, I'll leave it in the xxx, I'm out for lunch today"
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Hi H Before I went away I asked if the contractor could reduce the price. It is now requoted at £x (700 less) I still think it’s a bit high but neither of us have the time to get alternative quotes. Is this OK with you?
I know you will be tired from flying in from xxx right now but when you've had a chance to think about it and could do without making a decision about the work on the house but when you get a minute let me know. I don’t want to won't spend our money without your agreement.
There’s also a bunch of mail here for you. – I think some of it is xxxx. Do you want me to open it?
Thanks, T
The things I took out are, even tho stated nicely, are you making decisions for him or offering your input on decisions he should make. It's to the point and open.
Maybe you'll get other input.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
O thanks so much - I'm rubbish at this! What about the timing and the possibility of seeing him. Would it better to let him know I'm out if he says he would come over that afternoon? Maybe - I'm out for lunch today so will leave it in xxx if you call by and I'm not home.
We're all rubbish at it because it's like learning a new language. I wouldn't push trying to see him as it's best if he has time to lick his wounds without being reminded of the person who he sees as the cause of his wounds. You most likely aren't the cause of his problems but that's the way most WAs see it. Make sense?
Let him tell you how he wants to handle the mail. Stop trying to fix. That's the hard part but when you want to fix something, ask yourself: Is this my problem to fix?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
He is wounding himself at the moment. He chose not to contact me when he came back from his holiday and now we're back at this station.
I think I'll send it when I'm back from lunch. He's not a morning person so will deal better with anything from me later in the day.
i don't just fix - I manage!
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
And all that fixing and management is about controlling things...something else I need to work on!
My life's lessons are endless
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Me, too. I have alot of the same triggers you do and the way I handled that was by fixing and controlling. I am very good for it and have a job in which I get points for it but it doesn't work so well in a M. Well it does until the spouse decides that it doesn't.
I had a great IC appt yesterday and walked away with the knowledge that my conflict avoidant H stepped away from decisions and so I stepped in. Over the years it was more and more until I was making most of the decisions. He couldn't/wouldn't say what he wanted or needed so we were pretty much destined to go down this path. This a simplistic viewpoint but you get the picture.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
