I know you guys are right. He did say he was coming back here today to work on his jeep. So I don't know. I plan to avoid him. I am starting to wonder if I am a WAS because I really am not too terribly upset. I have felt somewhat relieved he is not here. I started the Dobson book last night. Maybe a quarter of the way through it. To be frank, I think he is dead on about it being a respect issue. I have never demanded the respect I should. Not from anyone in my life really. This is a bit of an epiphany. Sounds dumb. Really it is an issue even with my children.
So basically I am wondering how to put this into action. Especially with Dan. I need to tell him at some point that basically, I am okay with his being gone. I have not done that. I did tell him that I do NOT want to go back to the life we had and he needs to go get himself together. I also told him I am not sure if I will still be in a place that I want to remain married at that time. So should I leave it go at that? I'm thinking yes. I have not called or texted and really sort of have no desire to. It's kind of weird. I wonder what he is doing and where he is and who he is with but I know how that would just damage me and I am better off not knowing so it helps me to keep things in perspective. Also, I think knowing he intends to come over for whatever reasons helps with my anxiety which just goes to show that perhaps I am not as detached as I think I am. Of course, I'm not. This is just all so damn confusing and my emotions seem to change from one minute to the next. I am definitely still hurt and angry. The kids and I all have appts with the counselor next week so that is a good thing.
I had a super productive day yesterday. Spent it doing things I like to do. Worked out, did homework, worked on the house. Considering doing some things around here and make changes that I hadn't before just because he didn't want me to. One of them is clearing out our bedroom and painting and decorating the way I want and something that reflects me. So that it is a calm place of refuge instead of this area that does nothing but remind me that he isn't here. If that makes sense?
I actually was considering leaving today when I know he will be around. I am conflicted though with the kids. I don't know if I should stay here and let them see him to help reassure them. I think since it just happened this week maybe it is best for them to be here.
