I've been hanging around the MLC Board for the last 2+ years, and realize that, other than offering help and a sounding board for those going through the breakup of their marriage, I probably belong over here.
My divorce was final over a year ago. XH married the OW, and as our children are grown, we really have no reason to maintain contact. XH is apparently still going through the tunnel. I last saw him about 3 weeks ago, and he was grossly overweight and looked terrible. Although this worried me for a few days ( old habits die hard) I realize it is not my problem to stew over.
My focus has to be on me, and becoming the best me I can be.
Time and distance does give some perspective. I realize now that I did have a great deal of anger toward him for his drinking and choices in life, that I did after a manner put up a wall and push him away, but that is all water under the bridge. So, here I am. I have a new home of my own, a good job, friends, family, and am feeling more like MYSELF, than myself has felt in a long, long while.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
You sound like you've reached a good place. And your story sounds similar to mine. H in his 50s, married OW - our kids are grown. Although we split 11 years ago and got divorced 7 years ago. My youngest was only 12 when he left. We do have minimal contact now because we have a disabled son together. Son lives with me, though and his dad only sees him about once every 6 weeks or so.
It's not uncommon to still feel angry. I even do at times. My ex drank as well and that was a problem. I can only tell you that now things are much better. Like you - I've moved on with a new home, good friends, hobbies, recent retirement and a new man (well, not so new now - we've been together a number of years).
Rereading my original post, I think I sound a bit pompous. Let's just say that's the me I wish I was. Actually, I find I still care about the SOB. There is actually not a night that I do not wake up at some point because he has invaded my dreams. As for other men, I can't even begin to go there. Far too many years of being faithful and true. Everyone and everything just feels wrong at this point. In my nightly prayers, I always ask that " I'll stop dreaming about him" Sad, isn't it?
And chaces are you are still going to, which IMO, is quite normal. You did spend YEARS together and they were not all bad.
So rather than fight it...why not embrace it. Love him enough to really let his as* go.
Hope all is well with you.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hi Punkin, Welcome to your new home. I've read your stitches many times and I wish the outcome had been different but it is what it is. The good news, as you have learned, is that now you get to find you again.... I have no children so there is no contact with my XH. I think it's a good thing for moving on a bit quicker. There are still flashes of anger, but I just let them move through me and they don't last long. In some ways, XH gave me the best gift of all in finding myself again. You will too, but there's no time frame for all of this. Are you finding good books to read? I found many that were a wonderful resource. As for dating, well...I waited a good 18 months from the time he left in 2009 and I've taken breaks from it. As long as you have no expectations and just think about meeting a new friend, it's really okay. I still 'comparison' shop at times, but mostly that's gone. We're all pretty emotionally messed up and it's just deciding what 'baggage' you can live with from the other person. I look forward to hearing more from you....
Lynn
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Long time no hear. I was also wondering how things were with you.
You may remember I had a cat named Pumpkin. And her nicknames were punkin and punkitty. I miss her and your name always makes me smile at her memory.....
Hope you are having a good week.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Punkin, You're not out of things very long, and it looks as if your situation unfolded quickly. It's OK to not date for a while--in fact probably a very good idea. And it's OK to still have feelings--after a while that will change and you will basically just be polite.
I dated very quickly after D, but only because I had 3 years of being separated and with minimal contact. Had things unfolded more quickly, I likely would not have dated for a very long time post-divorce--more to just feel healed and happy again. I spent probably a good year doing things alone. And I liked it. I liked watching movies alone on Saturday nights--it was all exactly stuff that *I* wanted to see. I read a lot, went to lectures, slowly made new friend, and just enjoyed myself.
After that, I began to hang out with other women, then with my daughter's friends' parents, and by the time X divorced me, I was ready to date. Again, that took quite a long while. Maybe it shocked him that I had a BF rather quickly after we divorced...but the loonnnng separation gave me time to get my act back together.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
