Thanks, AS. I haven't told many friends or family b/c I know what I'll get. But the one friend I did tell is all concerned about me, and thinking I'm doing this b/c I'm tired of the dating scene, desperate, etc.
That's not true. I mean, yeah, this isn't fun being a single parent. I don't know if I could do what that friend of yours is doing. But I'm certainly not "Desperate" -
Would I like to be with the father of my child? Spend more time as a family? Me spend more time with my daughter? Pay off my debt finally? Move out of this apartment? Get married? Sure - but people act like that doesn't count - that shouldn't be why you do this. Why the heck else would I?
I mean, why do people get married in the first place? There are benefits - financial, emotional, etc. Why can't the same rules apply to me?
I was up a lot last night, and I got to thinking, I think he and I are better in a context. When we're a family and working together, and raising our kid, and having lives, it makes sense. It's like right now we're trying to ignore all that to see what it's like to be together, but that's not realistic. We have a daughter who needs us, I have bills to pay, we both have hectic schedules.
I do have HUGE concerns. I found out last night he never did do IC this past year, but he has someone now he's going to go to.
He thinks he was like the greatest dad over the last year, and I think he sucked. I don't ever seen him doing anything "above and beyond" just the bare minimum, and I hate that. I absolutely hate that about him.
I feel like he acts like a teenager - I can't explain that, but he has this walk, and the way he talks sometimes, and that damn pink car he drives. Drives me nuts.
We also have very different love languages (but we're both willing to see each other's).
But then, it's like, should I let those things drive me away from him?
Yes, I always imagined myself with a mature older man who was a MAN - polite, a gentleman, confident, providing. Loving me.
But where is that guy? I've been on the personals a year now and all the older men I've met are not my thing. In fact, I want another child, and so I don't want a 50-year-old in the end. The younger guys weren't great either. I never found a good match. And I didn't all the years before that. So what am I still holding out for?
My friend said, "I just worry that you're giving up and not going to hold out for the right man for you." And it's like WHO IS THE RIGHT MAN FOR ME??? Do you know him? I mean, yeah, it's conceivable that I can meet Mr. Right For Me in another year if I'd just - I don't know - be patient. Hold out. Wait. Throw out what's in front of me. For someone I don't even know yet.
And then my friend said "I just want you to have the happiness you deserve" What does that mean? A guy is going to do that?
Maybe; maybe I'm screwing it all up and by being back together with EXBF, I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime by sabotaging my own happiness and not meeting Mr. Right For Me. But, people. I'm 40. I want another kid. I want my daughter to have parents that are together. I want to be a person whose happiness isn't dependent on who she is with necessarily.
I don't know. I'm just tired of a culture that make such a huge deal about happiness found in who you're with. Maybe I'm just making excuses for being with a potentially lousy partner, IDK.
