Yeah AT, obviously up to you on reaching out to make the statement or not. I see Starsky's point, but it still seems like an inappropriate time. I think that she will be contacting you at some point to take your temperature. At that point, you can simply tell her what she should have already figured out... "why would you think that we would just act like nothing is wrong when you are dating another man?" It seems to me that that should already be clear to her. But then again, she IS a WAW!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I would not give her the speech... It will fall on deaf ears. Just something else to blame. As she has made her position on the matter quite clear since early in the relationship.
It is truly our friend here who needs to decide if he wants to remain married to a woman who does want an open marriage.
Just out of curiosity Chatter, are you advocating that everyone just walk away from a spouse who is actively in an affair, or is dating during a separation?
Not criticizing, just wondering... I mean, if I had done that, I wouldn't be working on my M today.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
OK, color me confused: I thought when she came down was when you planned on having "The Confront" with her??? The "I never had any interest in sharing my wife with another man, and I know all about you and _________" speech?
What did I miss?
Actually, you missed the last communication we had until yesterday... The text message exchange which she asked that I not be in town when she moved out so it would be "easier and as stress-free as possible". When I kept trying to suggest that she come down alone for us to have the talk, she insisted otherwise... I could have sworn you were helping with advice during that time, but I may be mistaken.
I'm curious though Starsky, knowing that we won't be having "the talk" when she comes down, are you now suggesting that I go ahead and reach out from the darkness?
I would not give her the speech... It will fall on deaf ears. Just something else to blame. As she has made her position on the matter quite clear since early in the relationship.
It is truly our friend here who needs to decide if he wants to remain married to a woman who does want an open marriage.
Just out of curiosity Chatter, are you advocating that everyone just walk away from a spouse who is actively in an affair, or is dating during a separation?
Not criticizing, just wondering... I mean, if I had done that, I wouldn't be working on my M today.
Yes and No.
I do look at time lines , when things happened , length of active affair and length of time together.
I also look at the health of the relationship, any children and the poster.
So I come up with a formula in my head.
So with Alkaline I see that he has dependency issues ( I did as well Alkaline so no insult intended ) and no children.
I also see that this issue has been present for the majority of his relationship with his wife.
I also see that he is afraid of his wife and has positioned himself in a very unhealthy position with her. She is higher up the food chain than him in their relationship. She knows this and behaves this way towards Alkaline in their communications.
I wrote it out in detail in the previous thread that Alkaline had going. Its the second post. long winded post
I think that given the unbalance within their relationship , lack of children, length of her stepping out, level of disrespect vs the length of the relationship and dating that Alkaline needs to do a true LRT. Plan D. As this is the only way he will be able to even the playing field between the two of them. Protect himself emotionally and financially from her.
She is not attracted to Mr. Nice Guy who is below her in relationship status.
That is what I read here and I base my advice around gaining independence from the relationship. Building self esteem and realizing that a failed marriage does not define Alkaline for the remainder of his days. That tough love will help him learn and enforce his personal boundaries.
Does that explain it to you ? If not we can chat some more. Denver you can criticize my posts any time you want. I respect your opinion.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I'm curious though Starsky, knowing that we won't be having "the talk" when she comes down, are you now suggesting that I go ahead and reach out from the darkness?
It's your call. If it were me, I'd be very uncomfortable if I lost my marriage, and later on my wife said to me "Why didn't you fight for me? For us? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WHAT I WAS DOING WAS WRONG, AND PUT A STOP TO IT?!"
Now obviously, one can't "put a stop to" what another grown adult does (see my many posts on the difference between "ultimatums" and "boundaries,") but you see my point. Over the years, I have seen many, MANY sitches where a reconciled spouse either says "I'm glad you fought for me!" or a failed marriage spouse says "Why DIDN'T you fight for me?"
You can say "Oh, she knows where I stand on the issue," but I honestly don't think she does. We can't be sure of it, since you two haven't had "The Confront," but I've posted often that I think it's an EXTREMELY unhealthy dynamic when one spouse is cheating, the other spouse KNOWS that they're cheating, and the cheating spouse KNOWS that they know that they're cheating . . . and says/does nothing.
The "devil's advocate" I suppose is that "my darkness IS my "saying/doing something about it," and you can make that case, but I'd be more comfortable if you weren't so far along down your timeline without having had a plainspoken, make-no-mistake confrontation with your wayward wife.
I've posted often that I think it's an EXTREMELY unhealthy dynamic when one spouse is cheating, the other spouse KNOWS that they're cheating, and the cheating spouse KNOWS that they know that they're cheating . . . and says/does nothing.
Your sitch is a bit of a gray area, I'll admit Alk. In that we all agree here that your wife is almost certainly in at least an inappropriate EA (if not more), you definitely know, and we THINK she probably knows that you know. Gray area.
Thanks Chatter. I was just wondering what your thoughts are on that.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
That is EXACTLY right. YOU determine your path. Not the 'team' here. You are the only one with all of the information you need. You are the only one who knows how interactions with your wife can go and the only one who knows what consequences you are willing to live with given your choices.
I have not read your full situation, and will try to do so, but you have lots of options.
You've gotten some really good advice about how to handle the emails with your wife.
And I love this:
Quote:
While I love my W very much, I also am learning to love MYSELF, especially the new me i'm working so hard on... I don't want to look in the mirror and see someone who's weak and will put himself into positions to get himself hurt over and over again...
It makes no sense to have the described 'confront' conversation, until your wife is a real 'audience'. Until the tide starts to turn and she shows some interested in coming back.
And then, if it is your position,(because an ultimatum might end your marriage) you say it in a way that's more like .... I will be interested when there's no one else in the picture. (Note, this is in the AFTER THE LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE...)
So, put your best positive, nonchalant (like starsky said, actually flip will seem weird) foot forward.
The "I never had any interest in sharing my wife with another man, and I know all about you and _________" speech?