I don't know - I think I don't even really know what a real marriage looks like ... I compare us a lot ... I never had good relationships. I never saw them modeled. I look at them now but who knows if what I observe about others is really the real story. Y'know?
I'd love to know what real marriages look like b/c sometimes I think I'm so hard on him and I - and other times I think I'm too forgiving.
You ask am I in love with him? I was - for years. But despite that, I also give my love away to people who don't and haven't treated me well. So I don't know.
And this past year. My fear is that while it's not immediately nagging at me now, it will. Like I lost respect for him. For a man who would leave his family ... even though he showed up for our daughter and wanted more time with her - then I think - well I can't love a man who would try to take his daughter from her momma. Then I think he doesn't see our basic needs, even though he asked me to spell them out tonight, and I did ... lousily, and he listened. And said "What can I do."
I think my love is a little pulled back right now. I'm numb.
