I still have issues with flaws. I just got back from our date and admitted to him I'm hard on myself and therefore I'm hard on us. Doesn't make it okay, but I have a lot of fears that he is not mature, not man like, and therefore I then go about finding evidence to support my fears, and then I get angry, and then I demand things - like he sell his car.
Ugh.
So there's that STILL.
But I am a whole ton calmer. I am much more aware. I do listen to him and can slow my own speeding fears down. I have given myself what I need and know I can take care of me. I have found peace in me, and am no longer looking to him. I have more self-value, confidence, and strength.
I don't know if those are tools. In the past year, all my intense work was in working on me - I would have to see how they work in terms of relationship - I feel like we can use help there. We are both clearly willing. But therapy feels - eh. Blah. Maybe Retrovaille? IDK - somewhere where we can gain some tools, yes.
We had them before but we didn't put them into use b/c we were both in chronic constant fight or flight/fear/running mode -
I still worry about that. That takes work on oneself, no? To not be so reactive, fear-based, etc. And that's where I start to get fussy again - I want to be a couple who is not in chronic reactivity.
I'm actually WAY more okay with forgetting the past than I thought I would be. Simply b/c I don't have the time and I want to move on and I think it was actually a blessing in disguise that we got away from each other - even if I took more than my fair share of responsibility for everything - I still feel mostly okay with it - thought he "more than my share" part might need some working on...
Oh, and you're right about piecing. That makes sense.
I don't even want to really kiss right now! So I don't see moving in any time soon ... though I do want a clear sense of if this is working/gonna work, and fear that if we're not living together and doing the day-to-day how will we know? Any ideas for "how will we know?"
