I don't know if anyone here remembers me. I was on here a year ago when my relationship was falling apart. We were three years in with a three year old (yes, you can do the math) and things fell apart due to immaturity on both our parts, codependency, needs, my postpartum and screaming and anger, his withdrawal and avoidance.

Well, shockingly, after a year of being a single mom, and piecing my own life back together - as much as possible (renovating my at-home business, going to school to start another business, doing therapy 2x a week for a year, getting a bookkeeper, getting organized, losing weight, healing, working on my parenting), last Saturday night, my ex was at my apartment putting our daughter to bed (the past year, our schedule was that he came here 2x a week to take care of her here, and would take her a couple overnights and also bring her back here and put her to bed).

Well, he came in my room and hugged me - for a long time. And I was freaked out but have wanted us to be together all along; not particularly because I thought we were so great together, but b/c the logistics of being apart were really stupid in my opinion and I just wanted an intact family.

Anyway, we seem to be reconciling now.

And he seems promising - read some books, sought a therapist, admitted stuff, apologized for stuff.

But last night, we got into something that just brought everything RIGHT BACK! Ugh. We talked about it enough today that it's "okay" for now (we're going out tonight on our first date since Saturday's attempt at reconciliation) but I am really doubtful.

A lot of people thought he was pretty narcissitic and immature and I guess I'd agree. I don't know what he is now. I'm hoping to find out.

But I put aside A LOT of my past resentment and frustrations with him to make space for whatever might grow from our re-union, except last night was just insulting and rude. (STupid, but he got whiny with me and it's annoying - )

I just feel like I question whether this is someone who is truly available to meeting someone else's needs. I see he is trying, and I'm all for trying (not like I need it to be perfect) but I feel like so often he's been talked about as someone with a personality disorder, I lose hope that he can ever change.

And, yes, I realize, that's the kiss of death - hoping he will change.

So much is riding on this- our family, our daughter's future, etc. etc. And yet, I feel frozen (in fear) ... I'm trying - I'm giving this a chance, but wow, if we get into an argument at this early of a stage about going on a date, I don't know how we can run our lives together?!!