Stop the ride I want to get off

[Tumbling]

Accuray thank you so much for reviewing my sitch.
Sadly all very true.

I had to laugh at the insatiable hunger description. One ex said I made incessant demands! I am working on this trigger (recognise I've had it in all Rs) but it is very sensitive now after 2 yrs of the current sitch, Everytime he caves I refeel what it felt like the day he moved out & worry he has gone forever.

I'm sure I made him feel v bad about himself & that's why he left. I have never blamed him & taken a look at my behaviours but it's only this year when I reflected on why things were good earlier this yr that I saw the biggest problem is my abandonment trigger. When it's under control & I don't react (seeing the positives instead) things are good but then he planned those guy trips without mentioning it to me til fait accompli. I don't know why he does that as I don't have issues w us doing our own thing & have never created scenes in the past about that. I only do so now as he tells me after it's booked...maybe he'll always do it this way & I will have to learn not to react.

I recognise its all cause & effect & I know I'm going to have to be the one who makes the first change as my actions make him run away. I so don't want to see my marriage end when I can see ways to fix it.

In June when he was 'pushing me away', I reviewed a calendar of when we'd hung out since 1 Jan & although it didn't seem often on the face of things (not good enough in my mind), I saw he had given me what time he could (he goes away w work a lot) & the times he caved I'd pressured him. In b&w I saw that he had been giving to me & I felt so much better about us but then this guys away stuff happened & now look where we are.

I also think H has childhood issues about not being good enough, he has said as much, so we are that book HTFYMWTAI (weirdly I read it last wk) to the extreme.

I'm so cross w my self for over reacting when he was sailing esp as he had said he wanted to come home (guess I wanted proof he meant it) - it was pathetic & what a 180 it wld be if I didn't react that way. But I don't get the silence on return from trip - do you have a view on that?

So what do I do now?
How do I demo that I am not this little girl that thinks she's being abandonned anymore? I so want her to stay in the backseat & stop trying to drive my car!

I don't want him to think my silence is 'punishment' & feel worse but I don't want to contact him as if he doesn't reply I'll feel badly. Infact I think I'm being punished (it's not all about you Tumbling!)

I have some admin stuff that needs attending to so shall I stick w that & not ask to see him as wendylon suggested? He didn't ansa the other wk about the hse stuff tho.

I wish I could share your analogies w him but I know I have to wait for a time when he's receptive. I wonder if he'll read that book if I post it?

Friends & family just think I should leave him but I believe we can make it & i need to learn my abandonment lesson if I don't it will just be lather, rinse, repeat.

I hope I get to show/tell him he is good enough & all I've ever wanted in a man & that I'm truly sorry for how I make him feel sometimes, it's not intentional & I am working on my self.

Thanks again Accuray for your take on my sitch. It means a lot that you would offer a view. I've found you v wise on other peoples threads.

Sorry for such a long post but its good to share w folks who get it. My IC just says he's avoidant & will never sort himself out.

Tumbling