Not really. That is part of the problem. I am more than wife, I am caretaker. By pushing about the counseling and meds then I am sending him the message that he is broken, and "not normal" his words. Ironic, with my background, I just see it as eh take a couple pills and then it makes working on things soooo much easier. I probably was a WAS. I thought about it. We both were/are miserable. What I know is that he was my best friend. Even on bad days he is still the person I want to tell what is happening with me.
I also learned long ago that forgiveness for many of those things he had done was for myself. Not for him.
Yes, I have been through a lot. I honestly, have issues of my own. Abandonment being one of them. Trust being another. However, that does not in any way mean that I think my children will be better off without two parents.
At this point safety is my primary concern.
I honestly expect I will see him tonight. He doesn't want to be away from the kids. Maybe me too. I don't know. He will let me touch him and whatever. We don't have sex but he will sit and be still. We function normally when eating dinner that sort of thing most of the time then he will turn around and just be sort of foolish. Meaning it can be something as simple as me asking him what he wants to eat and he will say I just want a sandwich. You know like trying to not be burdensome or whatever. When in reality, I don't mind the work at all, but some input and decisiveness would be nice. He does sometimes pull away too and tells me he feels numb towards me. But at the same time he still wears his wedding band. He had taken it off and he saw me looking at his hand and said I left it on the sink. Sure enough, he put it back on.
He gives so many mixed signals. I really think he is going through a personal crisis. I am just the one that he is taking it all out on. Unfortunately, we all do that to people we love. Even when we don't want or mean to.
I feel like I am being punished for something though but really I am not sure what. I am overbearing and controlling sometimes. Not by choice though really. More like by default. If I don't take control I don't think he will. If that makes sense?
I don't really think he is ready for divorce but I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything. He doesn't talk and when he does what comes out is often such a distortion of how I view things I don't even know what to think.
What I do know is I am not being baited into any more talks or arguments. I am resolving to simply let him sit and really experience life alone. I will also try to encourage any healthy behaviors.
As for the people I trust and he trusts- even though I do not like his friends I believe they would contact me if they thought he needed intervention. In truth, I think much of his suicide talk is manipulation. Perhaps that is wishful thinking and I would certainly hate to find out differently.
I wish I could describe things better. I really feel as though I am being punished for something. Lack of attention maybe? Lack of affection? Both?
