Freedomland Ahead

[BeingMe]

Journaling .... warning: this is a long one, and there may be some repeats here.

I have contacted the lawyers to inform them that we won't need mediation. We have already discussed between us what we want and feel we can just get the papers drawn up and signed. They have appointments in October which I will take one. They just have to make sure that no other lawyer has been contacted by my H, and then we're set. I hope to be divorced by Christmas. No particular reason, but it's a date to aim for.

In the meantime, life goes on. Had a great time with our astronomy class, skywatching on Wednesday night. Saw Jupiter rise with it's bands and moons. Also, saw Uranus, but it was a tiny dot. And various constellations, and a binary star system. Their stars were different colors. Amazing!

That same night I tripped and fell down the front stairs (concrete) while taking out the recycling. I twisted my ankle, and bruised myself. I lay there, unable to get up, winded. Thank goodness, my S25 and D19 were there. They got me up, and back inside. I had school the next day, and the ankle was feeling a little tender, but I could walk. I had to walk up a lot of stairs that day (our uni is known in these parts for their stairs, it's like a one-sided pyramid). I got home, took my shoes off, and the right ankle was swollen quite badly. The left one also, but not as badly. Ugh! I wanted to go walking in my favorite park this weekend. I will rest up, and see how it goes by Sunday. I have a project that needs photos and/or drawing of nature, and that's the place to do it.

I had a bad dream about H last night again. These dreams always leave me feeling depressed the next day. This is why I'm journaling today ... to get things into perspective. H has been very quiet, not calling, not emailing unless absolutely necessary (as I am doing). The one email he sent recently was pretty bad. I didn't know how to respond. Here it is:

"Im in Mexico. I checked the email, I believe it is as discussed. The only point that I want to make is that I cannot continue doing this work with this travel much longer. I am going to try for the next two years to get you and D19 through University but I am close to breaking point. Thereafter I may or may not make the same money and if I do break before, who
knows.

Be careful with the Lawyers, some are much more expensive than others, but i am sure you will take care of it."

What person feels he's heading for a nervous breakdown, and doesn't do anything about it? I did reply, and in my mind I knew this is the last time I try and help him. This is ridiculous ... almost feel like I'm being manipulated.

Here's my reply:

"H, you know, you make of your life what you want it to be. Don't use D19 and I as an excuse to be miserable and be willing to sacrifice your health for us. Tell your bosses [blah blah blah]. Stand up for yourself. Just tell them it's [more blah blah blah's] Don't get to the point that you have a nervous breakdown, and be completely useless to anyone including your children. What example would that be for them. If you believe you deserve better from your company, then you've got to fight for it. But, I know this is falling on a closed mind to anything I have to say. You're only fifty, and have a lot to offer, career-wise and just in life generally. I just don't understand why you don't believe in yourself. You've reached a point in your career that I don't think even you expected. You should be proud of yourself ... I am.

I won't be here for long, telling you this. I've said it a million times. I care about you and wish you the best, but you have to wish that for yourself too. You really need to take breaks and have some fun. Just take mini-holidays near home that won't take you on airplanes ... kayaking maybe (I really enjoyed it last week).

Damn right I'll take care of the lawyers ... I don't want to waste money either."

Back story ... he has fainting spells on long flights, especially if he's in the back. If he flies business, he has more space, so I think it's related to claustrophia (sp?). His company puts him on projects in China, Turkey, Mexico, Brazil, etc. while other younger, inexperienced people, with no family, go to Canada and USA. It's time for him to fight for these projects. One project was in the next city from ours. It would've been perfect for him, but they put someone who had to fly across the country. Wasteful.

It does worry me when he's in a dangerous country. But, s'pose it's not my business anymore, except that I do care what happens to him, and probably always will (and I won't be telling him this again).