My w's language is words of affirmation. It seems to be very difficult to express affirmation right now as we are not living together. Any advice on how to do this would help.
Eyes, I answered this question you posed in my thread, but wanted to copy/ paste it to your thread as well:
"Well this was a 180 for me because I very rarely gave her WOA before. I really wish I had read 5LL years ago! Basically I've been giving her praise over specific things whenever the opportunity presents itself, and it's from the heart. I really mean it, I don't just say it to try and fill her love tank. One example is she's been coming over to my house every morning and getting the kids ready for school, this allows me to leave the house and get to work early like I've done for years. So now and then I tell her how much I appreciate that she is doing this, and that she is a great mother to our kids and a wonderful person for doing this in spite of our sitch. Sometimes when I see her still dressed up for work I tell her how great she looks and ask about what she's wearing, especially if I haven't seen it before (I do this more as a friend would, not in sexual way). She likes to talk about what's going on at work (another of my 180's is to encourage this, I used to discourage her from talking about work because I had my own problems and didn't want to hear about hers, VERY bad attitude to have I realize now) and I'll mention to her that it impresses me how good she is at her job and what a great support she is to her coworkers. Stuff like that. As for whether it's working, I don't know if it's changing our sitch but if it makes her feel better about herself and life in general, then by all means it's worth it regardless of whether reconciliation is in the cards. I now do it with my kids, friends and people I work with as well. It's the right thing to do!"
The important thing is not to have any expectations about it. Just do it and don't expect anything in return. And try not to overdo it or it might come off as pandering. Make it genuine and sincere.
And another comment, Sandi is coming at this as a former WAW and her advice is very valuable, but DB doesn't suggest you should not be a friend to your wife. You should be (at least, IMO). I agree with Sandi that you should be mysterious and not always available, but if your W wants to talk you should be there for her, and you should concentrate on being a great listener- no interrupting, lots of eye contact, repeat her thoughts, feelings and emotions back to her. "It sounds like you are angry and upset, I'm sorry you feel that way." Validate without taking a position.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
Tonight I put them to bed at her house. I could tell something was on her mind and then the tears came. Not from me but from her. Just wondering about handling this sitch. I asked her if she wanted to talk, and she said she didn't know what to say. I said ok, and left.
Hmmm. Well first, don't read too much into it. It's just a reflection of the turmoil that is boiling under the surface. It may have been frustration or confusion, but probably isn't a sign that a turnaround is imminent. You might have tried something like "I understand if you don't want to talk now, but let me know when you're ready and I'll be happy to listen." Just saying "OK" and leaving might have left her with the impression that you didn't care. Not a big backslide though. Next time you see her you might mention something like the above, that you're available if/ when she wants to talk about her feelings.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
I know that gifts are not appropriate at this time, but tomorrow is my wifes 8 year anniversary of sobriety. Is it ok to get a gift for her from the kids? Or is a simple text of congrats more appropriate. I was never very good at remembering special occasions, especially her sober date. Thinking it may be a good 180 moment even though it will be from the kids. I was just thinking a card and a Caribou gift card, nothing extravagent.
Do the kids know about it (her sobriety)? If not then that might not be a good idea. If they do, then that sounds OK. And I don't see a problem with a simple text either. Neither really comes off as pursuit to me.
