My wife first met her OM April. Dropped the bomb June. I started reading stuff on here July became active posting my sitch a month ago. Don't think I've really started DB yet. That's me being honest. I've had small moments of DB but slipped back to being all emotional around her and she's been emotional too.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Thanks for the rules. I've had this list before and found it independently myself also. Guess I wasn't ready to practice it but my low feelings and breaking down last night infront of one of my friends shook me up. Am not gonna allow myself to live like this any longer. My wife is so deep into her affair and her emotions are so high and strong for the OM right now there's no point in my letting that effect me any longer. This is her choice. I could wonder "how might that end" and I do and I have been wishing for failure with the OM. Either he's an ass or a wimp. These are all thoughts we've all had am sure. Last night as I broke down it was coupled with a fear this time. A fear that if I keep this up its really going to leave me pretty messed up or worse taking a breakdown. Am not going to be one if they people. Am going to accept my powerlessness. Control me. Be happy in time with me (genrally I am). I don't have to condone this infidelity and am not but I am going to look at my part in the break down of my marriage. See what I find and accept the past and move on.
I could easily go into a list of offensive words to describe my wife but I don't want that. But I do need to remember the women I love is not the women who's treating me this way.
Am not giving up but am letting go (purely for my own health and mental health). Am not going to suffer this any longer. Right or wrong aside no one should feel this bad about themselves.
Kevin.
Your the man and don't forget that. Let her go for now and take care of yourself. Affairs almost NEVER last.
Thinking about sending this but I want to run it by the group first.
As far as am concerned your affair started in April when you CHOOSE to begin the emotional flirting and connection with Dave (its clear thats when your hiding your phone and choosing to not mention you met someone, and just as the hiding of underwear you did have something to hide. (we all know thats a fact)). Forget when ever you'd like to say something psychical happened. From April you CHOOSE for it to lead in the direction it did (you made everyone of these choices, it wasn't voodoo or a god controlling you that done it) So stop kidding me on or yourself (even tho i think you know full well how it all panned out) You don't explain our marriage being over the last day we had sex do you. So how is the first day you had sex with Dave the start of your ADULTERY with him. BS is what that is. A bullshit convenient explanation. I watched you dismantle your marriage over time to TRY and clear your conscience to make space for this. I shall be in touch with Dave at some point to let him know what I think and depending on how he responds will decide my next course of action. If he would like to meet up and talk about this man to man with me that would suit me. Being a nice understanding push over of a guy stops today. I expect to have the respect shown to me that i deserve. No need to reply. And don't push it and respect my boundaries. This can be still sorted amicably so our business can be concluded in a respectful adult way but STOP the BS now. You know the boundaries.
What do yous think?
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
I completely understand the frustration and hurt. Believe me man, I am right there with you. I think you are wise to run this past us before sending it. I will give you a simple answer which is DON’T send it. I am sure the vets will agree with me and they can give you a more in depth response on why it’s not a good idea.
______________________ Freshman class of 2012 Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 15 Married: 11 D:5 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
DO NOT SEND THIS and I'll post more later about why
again, DO NOT SEND THIS!!!!...
Originally Posted By: KevinScotland
Hi folks,
Thinking about sending this but I want to run it by the group first.
As far as am concerned your affair started in April when you CHOOSE to begin the emotional flirting and connection with Dave (its clear thats when your hiding your phone and choosing to not mention you met someone, and just as the hiding of underwear you did have something to hide. (we all know thats a fact)). Forget when ever you'd like to say something psychical happened. From April you CHOOSE for it to lead in the direction it did (you made everyone of these choices, it wasn't voodoo or a god controlling you that done it) So stop kidding me on or yourself (even tho i think you know full well how it all panned out) You don't explain our marriage being over the last day we had sex do you. So how is the first day you had sex with Dave the start of your ADULTERY with him. BS is what that is. A bullshit convenient explanation. I watched you dismantle your marriage over time to TRY and clear your conscience to make space for this. I shall be in touch with Dave at some point to let him know what I think and depending on how he responds will decide my next course of action. If he would like to meet up and talk about this man to man with me that would suit me. Being a nice understanding push over of a guy stops today. I expect to have the respect shown to me that i deserve. No need to reply. And don't push it and respect my boundaries. This can be still sorted amicably so our business can be concluded in a respectful adult way but STOP the BS now. You know the boundaries.
What do yous think?
Kevin.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Thinking about sending this but I want to run it by the group first. WHAT IS YOUR GOAL WITH WRITING THIS? SURELY IT'S NOT RECONCILIATION...
SO WHAT IS IT?
TO CRITICIZE AND JUDGE HER?
THAT WON'T MAKE YOU LOOK BETTER IN HER EYES...SHE WILL RUN FASTER AND FEEL MORE JUSTIFIED LEAVING YOU...plus
if you want to say anything to her to "Show her that you know the truth",
you make it MUCH SHORTER...but be very clear on what you think you are achieving by sending it.
Some folks will urge you to send it but ask them what THEY think will be achieved and if you agree with their agendas, "like you'll show her you are 'the man'" then go ahead...
Oh, and btw, you have not read the Div Busting book yet, have you? maybe that's why you ask questions like this b/c you also asked about dating
and now you ask this. Read the books so you "get" where we are coming from.
Either buy into the philosophy or find another one...but you are dallying with various approaches and giving NO approach enough time. Like you said, you are NOT DBing...and neither is this letter.
As far as am concerned your affair started in April when you CHOOSE to begin the emotional flirting and connection with Dave (its clear thats when your hiding your phone and choosing to not mention you met someone, and just as the hiding of underwear you did have something to hide. (we all know thats a fact)). Forget when ever you'd like to say something psychical happened. From April you CHOOSE for it to lead in the direction it did why are you quibbling about WHEN it started? Who cares?
What difference does it make now? It makes you look petty and self righteous to be measuring the dates of what happened when...NOT important, imo.
(you made everyone of these choices, it wasn't voodoo or a god controlling you that done it) So stop kidding me on or yourself (even tho i think you know full well how it all panned out) You don't explain our marriage being over the last day we had sex do you.
I don't even know what you are trying to say here^^, so ...there's that.
So how is the first day you had sex with Dave the start of your ADULTERY with him. BS is what that is. A bullshit convenient explanation.
And condemning her gets YOU ...where? What does it show her about how great/better/different, marriage would be to You now, and from this day forward?
You are ending the marriage and ANY hope of recon, with comments like this.
KNOW THAT and do what you will.
But don't pretend you DBd or "tried everything"
when I went for TWO YEARS with a sep h...you have no patience or any concept of it. And my guess is that is a symptom of something. Maybe you are very "young" or used to having your way NOW, but for someone with MY timeline, it's irksome to be honest.
MAYBE your m is over. MAYBE IT IS!...but you cannot know that now,
but with these types of condemning comments you prove that YOU will never let it go, that you are not a forgiving man, that you will hold this over her head, forever
you are judging her (and conveniently letting yourself off the hook totally AND not taking ANY responsibility for a thing)...so if you say things like this, you prove to her that she made the right choice.
Is that your goal? To "get it off YOUR chest" and never see her again AND have a nastier divorce? If so, send it...
I watched you dismantle your marriage are you referrring to some marriage she had before, or to YOUR marriage? And so, you are saying SHE dismantled it? YOU had nothing to do with it...um gee that's not what you said last week...
okay well, I guess since you have no work to do on yourself worth telling her, b/c you were a great h, you're all done. Poof! Her loss, your gain...
Too bad you will never know WHY this happened b/c you are suggesting it's "HER CHOICE" yet to you it's also an inexplicable one, since she had NO reason (that you admit) to make that choice...
so how will you ever feel safe in another r with another woman if you have no role in choices they make and nothing is within your power to change??
I guess she completely, out of the blue with NO warning signs, changed and decided only OM could meet some need you were never even aware of, or that is a weird nutty "wrong" need for her to have so of course you could not meet it...
so you must be better off. Is that your point?
I AM NOT BLAMING YOU for her affair.
But when I see LBSers trying so hard to work on themselves, GAL and becoming stronger, better people,
only to drop ALL efforts the MINUTE they hear of OM/OW, I realize they are relieved that they don't have to work on themselves.
They can focus ALL their energy and pain onto their betraying spouse and OP. It won't help their m, but it soothes their ego while also wounding it.
Worse, they lose the chance at personal growth, that this horrible ordeal CAN yield and that is the LBSers loss.
When I read KeepGoing's thread, I see a jilted LBS wife, who was left WHILE pregnant with her 3rd child, I see a brave changed, better woman.
She is inspirational. She may not get her h back, but she's a better mother and woman and partner, than she ever would be if she'd simply blamed her cheating h...
you need to look at HER thread to see what I mean and learn from it. Talk about stepping up to the plate and bravely looking in the mirror.
You know Kevin, they say the real journey in life is an inward one.
Don't skip over that b/c it's too hard and scary for you. Be strong and brave. To ME, that's "being the man".
over time to TRY and clear your conscience to make space for this. I shall be in touch with Dave at some point to let him know what I think and depending on how he responds will decide my next course of action. If he would like to meet up and talk about this man to man with me that would suit me. Read the DB books NOW. This will backfire, I promise.
I cannot tell you how many LBSers come off looking like a weirdo jilted nut who deserves to be left.
I think I've seen this happen maybe 20 times and (with Bond being the exception but his sitch was unique), each one regretted it,
they lost their temper, some faced assault charges and now have criminal records and look like scary people in front of their kids, lost custody b/c of their "Violent tendencies" which is a HUGE backfire, and they all felt LOUSY afterwards, with a ton of regret, etc.
I thought you understood that you are supposed to be Keeping the Road Home, Paved and Smooth
and this letter and the idea or threat of confronting the OP does NOT do that.
On my high school class FB wall, (for which I am the admin), a jilted wife posted about an affair her h (a classmate) had with OW (another classmate).
FOUR people contacted me to tell me to DELETE the wife's comments as "inappropriate" and each of those 4 people gave me the distinct impression that they believed the WIFE was nutty and wrong and "scorned", to post it there... that's a common perception, right or wrong. People don't want to be dragged into your drama and in your case, what would you achieve by chatting with OM?
You can tell him he's "wrong" to want another man's wife and he'll say "But I love her" OR
"But YOU were a lousy H who did not deserve her" and then you'll either lose your temper or you'll feel like crap, or both.
Do you really think he'll slap his forehead and say "OMG you are right! What was I thinking? I'll stop seeing her NOW!"???? Even if that worked, which it will not, you think THEN your w will run back into your arms?
Not gonna happen. Sorry.
Being a nice understanding push over of a guy stops today. I expect to have the respect shown to me that i deserve. What does this^^^ mean? Be specific if you are "Setting a boundary" and know that if it's a boundary you cannot enforce, you better know what you'll do if it is crossed, as is likely.
No need to reply. And don't push it and respect my boundaries.
You mean, "don't push it," (insert a comma or period, or it makes no sense) "AND respect my boundaries"< which, btw, you have not defined...
This can be still sorted amicably so our business can be concluded in a respectful adult way but STOP the BS now. You know the boundaries.
What do yous think?
Kevin.
I think
1) I Don't know your goal and I'm not sure YOU do either;
2) don't know if you mean to say "I'll be nice in the divorce IF you stop seeing OM,
which isn't likely and probably will just cost you money but I don't know the laws in your nation. Do you? Have you retained a L?
If it's no fault, then your "boundaries" are meaningless as far as I can tell. You'll divide property and that's that...
3) the condeming her does not help your relationship with her OR motivate her to be "nice" or amicable b/c the whole letter is the opposite.
4) Can't tell if you are making threats when it comes to meeting OM but it reeks of a man not in control of his emotions. A hurt boy who wants to lash out and everyone and NOT take an ounce of responsibility for anything...
which is going to confuse her since you claimed that you did understand, right?
TRULY now, what is it, that YOU WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN? IF you know, then we can work on sending something.
If you don't know, that's another reason NOT to.
I cannot think of one good thing about this letter, and maybe 13 things bad about it.
If you still want to send it, there's not much else I can say. I just wish you gave the approach this whole site is based on, an actual attempt
before burning your bridges.
And I wish you could grow from this experience instead of becoming a bitter man. This letter sounds like a man who is twisting into someone very negative and mean spirited b/c he's in pain.
I know the feeling and I get it. The hardest thing for me to learn was to forgive, especially since I never saw it growing up so I had to LEARN how to do it.
But it has made MY life and the lives of MY children, so much better.
never mind my h, I'm talking about MY OWN HAPPINESS...by letting go of the pain and anger and learning to forgive
I got out of hell.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My posting that letter on here was my knowing there was a lot of stuff in it that I shouldn't or didn't want to say. It's frustration. I feel like am being treated like an a**hole.
I wasn't perfect by any means but I never hit her, was cruel to her, always supported her choices, let her be herself. Encouraged her to see friends and keep close. Was always telling her I loved her and thought she was the most beautiful woman in there world. I adored her. I know everyone says forget the dads death thing but that's when she changed. I was still there for her. Even when she used to vent her anger at me. I didn't treat her badly for doing that I understood this was her grief doing this.
I was a good husband. Maybe just not the husband for her. Friend have commented her dads death changed HER. These aren't my words. And also some believe no matter who she was with this would have happened. Am not sure how true that is.
Yes am angry, very p**sed off about how am being treated. Lied to, deceived, back stabbed. Divorce is one thing but add to it the let down of infidelity and then seeing the person you married become a complete lier and cruel to you with no thought of your feelings in the space if weeks. To say it has blown me away is an understatement. It's totally effect me as a person.
The natural me is not a violent person. I gave that up when I gave up drink and drugs 20 years ago when I was a boy.
25years, she has made it perfectly clear and has never moved her opinion that this is over for her. She needs more in life and wants to be happy. It feels to me like this was the first major hurdle in our marriage and she jumped off the horse rather than face this with me.
It's gotten to the stage for me where I can't have these feelings any longer because they are eating me up inside.
Yes that letter was anger. Anger at bring pushed around by her. She wants this divorce to be all tidy and neat so she can slip away with out any accountability for her wreckage. That makes me feel used and abused.
Your right I don't know what to do anymore. Am helpless and powerless and I want it back. I want control again but am not gonna get walked all over while she goes screwing around with this guy like its all ok.
Yes I am p**sed off.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Oh yea I want reconciliation but she's made it clear its not gonna happen.
I've not read DB or DR yet. Am not gonna lie about that.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Edit also the last long post was meant to say never cruel to her.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
