I had to talk to him this morning. He didn't have to work. i felt like I would have to go to the emergency room with this anxiety and torment if I held it in. I told him i was suffering with terrible anxiety and he asked if I talked to anyone. I told him I had to speak to him. I told him that I knew he was talking to her and he promised me not to.
He got very angry that I snooped but I kept to the issue of deception and lies. He claims they are now just friends and she has a boyfriend. That may be true but how do I know? He just kept saying "I can't believe you are doing this" I came back with "how could you do this when you promised not to?" "how can you look me and the kids in the face?" He had promised no more contact. He said he did NC for awhile then when he saw her they started talking. Thinks there is nothing wrong with that. Then when I told him, if that was so why hide it? He said because he knew I would react like this.
I told him this is a deal breaker for me. I cannot live with this! Told him he is doing nothing to save this marriage. He is so unrepentant, so defensive. So he wanted to know if I wanted to end the marriage. I said maybe we need to separate. I said if he wanted to be friends with her I'm done.
Went out to breakfast where I hardly ate. but we did talk about our marriage and the past. I was calm and so was he. He said he thought about separation and I asked why he didn't do that. Said he wasn't sure he wanted to. But I am not so sure. h said he may need a break and is too close to the situation at home. (not home that much) Compared our marriage to others and said we weren't like that. I told him i felt he didn't love me like those other h's loved their wives. We talked about why he got into the affair in the first place. Because I threatened divorce after a bad fight. I told him many times I asked to go to counseling and he wouldn't. I told him I felt just as bad as he did about our marriage but I didn't have the affair.
H won't go to speak with priest because he knows morally, he'll be called on the carpet. H wants to take a week for us to decide what to do. As I sit here I just don't know how he can rebuild trust for me. i don't think he wants to open all passwords and even so if he wants to keep in contact with OW he could do it and keep lying.
I am thinking that separation for now is what I may want. I don't trust h anymore. I think maybe what is hard for h is he will be exposed and have to tell his mom and dreads it. Says he's worried bout what my dad will think too. I think my dad can handle it. His mom? It will be pretty hard for her.
