These Are Dark Days...

[Denver_2010]

So as I actually went out tonight, and JUST got home, I just sent the following email,

Hey W,

Sorry, It was a busy day. Yeah, that following weekend would be fine. As long as you won't be coming down until Saturday. Let me know if you are planning on coming in earlier.

H

Now it's time to wait to see if there's a reaction... Kinda hope not... As if she reacts, it's not gonna be pretty

Perfect AT.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. It's been a kinda tough day... not enough sleep last night and my cold seems to have resurfaced.

A close friend of mine, who has been giving me amazing advice throughout this entire sitch (and is reading these boards! HEY!) recently sent me an email with a piece of advice that I'd like to bounce around on these boards.

She commended me for the short and to-the-point email I just sent, but then brought up a suggestion which I think is an interesting idea. She mentioned that while actions certainly speak louder than words, it's also important to make sure they're sending the right message. (I'm paraphrasing here) And the only way to do that is to actually explain the reason for being dark.

What do you think of this? I haven't had time (nor am I in the right mind thanks to this cold and lack of sleep) to properly process this thought, but wanted to toss it out there.

[Starsky309]

Alk,

If you PROACTIVELY offer up some sort of reason to your wife, it's only going to appear manipulative -- like a tactic. So, no.

And even if SHE brings it up ("Why are you so short with me lately?"), if you say something like some people suggest, like "It hurts too much to interact with you too much" (or something similar), then you appear WEAK. Ehhh . . . not attractive.

My advice would be (and this is ONLY if your wife points it out), to say something like "Sorry, just been really busy and actually in an okay place right now. But I didn't mean to sound rude at all, and I'm sorry if you took it that way."

My mentor thru my sitch had a few mantras, and one of them was "You can't teach a wayward." We always think -- esp. us guys, who are natural "fixers" -- that if we say something JUST the right way, that we'll somehow get thru to them or something. Doesn't work.


Starsky

[AlkalineThoughts]

I definitely hear what you're saying Starsky, and it makes a lot of sense. I think what's at issue here is this: I think she's operating under assumptions here as to why I'm not reaching out. I told her months ago that the reason was to give her the "Time and Space" that she asked for... So there's a good chance that what she thinks is happening now. I've never had the opportunity to tell her that "I know about OM and can't be a part of your life while he is..." conversation... Instead, after a friend told me about some stuff posted on FB, my original game-plan changed completely from having that conversation to not having it.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, and I'm still not sure where I fall on this discussion, but I greatly appreciate your input!

[chatterbug]

Your message should be to the point.


You do not tell someone your dark on them and why and how they get out of it....

They need to figure out that when they treat someone as an option and abuse them that they are no longer your friend.

You need to figure that out as well.

We train people how to treat us.

[Starsky309]

I definitely hear what you're saying Starsky, and it makes a lot of sense. I think what's at issue here is this: I think she's operating under assumptions here as to why I'm not reaching out. I told her months ago that the reason was to give her the "Time and Space" that she asked for... So there's a good chance that what she thinks is happening now. I've never had the opportunity to tell her that "I know about OM and can't be a part of your life while he is..." conversation... Instead, after a friend told me about some stuff posted on FB, my original game-plan changed completely from having that conversation to not having it.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, and I'm still not sure where I fall on this discussion, but I greatly appreciate your input!

Well, yeah, ideally you should have had the "I won't be in any marriage with a third person in it" talk a long time ago. But I'd still wait until she comes down and have the convo in person, for the reasons we've already discussed. And as 'bug says, you don't come out of the dark to tell someone why you've gone dark on them.

It will only seem supplicating at best, and manipulative at worst.


Starsky

[Denver_2010]

Alk,

If you PROACTIVELY offer up some sort of reason to your wife, it's only going to appear manipulative -- like a tactic. So, no.

And even if SHE brings it up ("Why are you so short with me lately?"), if you say something like some people suggest, like "It hurts too much to interact with you too much" (or something similar), then you appear WEAK. Ehhh . . . not attractive.

My advice would be (and this is ONLY if your wife points it out), to say something like "Sorry, just been really busy and actually in an okay place right now. But I didn't mean to sound rude at all, and I'm sorry if you took it that way."

My mentor thru my sitch had a few mantras, and one of them was "You can't teach a wayward." We always think -- esp. us guys, who are natural "fixers" -- that if we say something JUST the right way, that we'll somehow get thru to them or something. Doesn't work.


Starsky

YES

[Denver_2010]

Your message should be to the point.


You do not tell someone your dark on them and why and how they get out of it....

They need to figure out that when they treat someone as an option and abuse them that they are no longer your friend.

You need to figure that out as well.

We train people how to treat us.

YES

[Denver_2010]

I definitely hear what you're saying Starsky, and it makes a lot of sense. I think what's at issue here is this: I think she's operating under assumptions here as to why I'm not reaching out. I told her months ago that the reason was to give her the "Time and Space" that she asked for... So there's a good chance that what she thinks is happening now. I've never had the opportunity to tell her that "I know about OM and can't be a part of your life while he is..." conversation... Instead, after a friend told me about some stuff posted on FB, my original game-plan changed completely from having that conversation to not having it.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, and I'm still not sure where I fall on this discussion, but I greatly appreciate your input!

Well, yeah, ideally you should have had the "I won't be in any marriage with a third person in it" talk a long time ago. But I'd still wait until she comes down and have the convo in person, for the reasons we've already discussed. And as 'bug says, you don't come out of the dark to tell someone why you've gone dark on them.

It will only seem supplicating at best, and manipulative at worst.


Starsky

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ... thought I'd change it up there a bit

I absolutely agree with everything that Starsky and Chatter are telling you AT. Your W has to figure this out on her own. Maybe she realizes that she may be losing you, the best thing that ever happened to her, and cannot bear that reality... OR

maybe she decides that her life is better off without you...

Either way man, she has to choose.

Like Starsky said, our instinct is to fix. We, me definitely included, think that if we compose a well worded email, text message, or speech, that our WAW's will see the light. I can tell you from experience, it just doesn't work that way.

Now, that's not to say that there isn't a time and a place for communicating where you stand. But reaching out of the dark is absolutely the wrong way to go about it. Like the others have said, it will make you look weak and manipulative.

While I obviously can't guarantee you this, I do believe that a time will come when you can communicate your position to your W. But I think that it has to come when she picks up the phone, or emails you, and says, "WTF AT! Why the F are you ignoring me?! I'm sick of it! blah, blah, blah..." or however she chooses to try and blame you. BTW, that's how I think it will go down.

Your W knows where you stand with your M. You've already told her. And I also think that she probably already knows that you know about OM. My advice is to stay the course.

Denver

[ericmsant2]

My mentor thru my sitch had a few mantras, and one of them was "You can't teach a wayward." We always think -- esp. us guys, who are natural "fixers" -- that if we say something JUST the right way, that we'll somehow get thru to them or something. Doesn't work.

^^^^^^ PRICELESS !