Zig- It is a struggle and yes the DR and 37rules seem an odd approach to winning back your mate but it is helping me with rediscovering myself and GAL. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Zig- It is a struggle and yes the DR and 37rules seem an odd approach to winning back your mate but it is helping me with rediscovering myself and GAL. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
37 rules are not "odd" once you figure out the NORMAL dynamics of someone who has left. This is normal stuff after you been doing it for a while, and alot of it is not a bad idea to implement even in a relationship that hasn't went bad.
I've been reading quite a bit but I haven't posted on my thread in a while. My H has been taking me on an emotional rollcoaster. I thought I was doing good by GAL now he has begun to snoop through my phone and FB account. He ask that I delete some of my friends and avoid contact with the ones he doesn't like. Yesterday he sent me a text that read. "I know I am an a'hole and I'm sorry. I love you and I'm trying to fix things. I hope you can forgive me one day. I love you". I asked him what is he doing to try to fix things (since I'm no longer snooping)and he said he is trying to stop the affair but it's so difficult for him. I wanted to breakdown and cry (why does he love her so much)but I did not. I do not know what to say to him or how to respond to the text. HELP
I've been reading quite a bit but I haven't posted on my thread in a while. My H has been taking me on an emotional rollcoaster. I thought I was doing good by GAL now he has begun to snoop through my phone and FB account. He ask that I delete some of my friends and avoid contact with the ones he doesn't like. Yesterday he sent me a text that read. "I know I am an a'hole and I'm sorry. I love you and I'm trying to fix things. I hope you can forgive me one day. I love you". I asked him what is he doing to try to fix things (since I'm no longer snooping)and he said he is trying to stop the affair but it's so difficult for him. I wanted to breakdown and cry (why does he love her so much)but I did not. I do not know what to say to him or how to respond to the text. HELP
I would start learning to respond with statements like "Yes, this has been very difficult on all of us." or "I appreciate the note; I think we both have some decisions to make." etc.
Things that are value-neutral, (you don't want to say "that's OK," when it's NOT okay), and that demonstrate that HE is not the only one driving the marital bus here.
Never entrust the endgame of your marriage to the one who doesn't have its best interests at heart at the moment.
P.S. I really liked what you said about boundaries on Williams' thread. For the life of me, I don't understand why so many people -- including vets -- tap-dance around that whole issue so much. Who wants to spend the rest of their life eggshell-walking???
Thanks for the advice Starsky,I didn't know how to respond to the text so I didn't. I know what to say now.
Boundaries- I did not know how to approach the boundary situation so I just said it. He tried to tell me I was treating him like a child by telling him to put away the cell phone but I stood my ground. I did everything wrong in the beginning by trying to appease him. I was scared and didn't want to do anything to anger or upset him. I let him talk and treat me like a doormat. I felt like a fool when he would talk and text so nicely with her then turn around and bite my head off. He kept the phone on the end table on his side of the bed so he could check msgs and text all night. It kept me in tears and feeling weak. I felt like they were laughing in my face. I thought about moving into the spare bedroom but DB says not to do that. I did it for me and I feel so much better because of it. It's still a painfull process but the more I set boundaries,detach and GAL, the stronger I feel. And, it seems he is finally curious about the 180's I've done.
And kudos to you, lapoo, for doing that. If you're like me, you'll find that the skills and disciplines that you pick up in trying to fight for your MARRIAGE, will help you in your LIFE . . . however your marriage turns out. Boundary-setting (and enforcing!) was very hard for me . .. STILL is . . . but thru my sitch 5 years ago, I learned some skills that have helped me ever since.
I think I posted this on the other thread, but I'm going to also quote it here, in case anyone else can be helped by it. It's from a friend of mine, who explained the whole "boundaries" thing better than I'd ever seen it explained.
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
The past week has been very interesting. My H is becoming more curious as I GAL. He's asking more questions about my daily activities and weekend plans. H wants us to spend our spare time together. H said he wanted us to go out so we had dinner on Friday (after he had a few drinks at a local pub/could have met OW there but I will never know), dinner and dancing on Saturday and spent the day at his family function on Sunday. H said he appreciated me being with him all day Sunday. I actually felt smoothered. Like he was trying to occupy all my time. As I continue to detach, it seems as though he is pulling toward me. I don't think I did a very good job of detachment this weekend as all my time was pretty much spent with him. I'm trying to show him that I will be fine with or without him and I really feel that way. He continues to display more affection these days. His words are softer now and not as cold as they were a few weeks ago. H initiated conversation about the OW and said she has sent him several texts and made several attempts to contact him but he has not responded. Of course last week he said it was difficult for him to end the EA and just last month they had dinner so I'm not sure if he's telling the truth or not. I'm not looking at phone records and I may never know if he's being honest or not but I do know that he is giving me more attention now than he has in the last few months so there's some progress. He continues to say that he loves me and that our R is going to be fine. I stand firm that the A has to end in order for us to begin work on our M. In the meantime, I continue to DB (Detach & GAL)
Today I began to feel something odd about my sitch. H and I still remain in the same house. I still cook and shop for the house. We both still work and pay our bills. We have begun to have better conversations.We still ML. For the most part, we still live our lives as if the elephant is not in the room especially with me not asking R questions,snooping or mentioning the OW or our sitch. The GAL process is working for me but I am starting to actually resent my H. I think about what he has done and I have this "how dare you" feeling to come over me. I feel as it he is somehow "getting away" with the A since neither of us mention it. HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN IT'S OVER IF I DON'T BRING IT UP? I want to ask so badly or take a sneak peek at our phone records. I actually looked at him today with disgust when he kissed me. What is leading to?It's a tormenting feeling. Any advice?
