Hey Brian .. I think Ive let him go to a certain extent. Im not contacting him, or making excuses to stop by the house or anything. I honestly think Ive come along way from where I was at one time! Heck, 12 days ago I was contacting him about anything and everything. Baby steps getting to where I need to be...
I do see some changes. I also hope you know I am blunt because I care. I don't want you (or anyone) to hurt.
This is where you are going off track. stop thinking this way. First off, you can not assume that he views the old relationship the same way you do. If anything happens for you and him in the future, it will NOT be the old relationship. It has to be a new one with NEW trust. Second, FIX YOURSELF!!! You said yourself in a previous post. You aren't where you need to be anyways. So stop worrying about his relationship and where it is headed. You can NOT control that. You can only control what you do and think. As soon as you understand all of this, things will get easier.
Originally Posted By: Mrs D
I havent been around him since two Fridays ago when I stayed the night. He brings C home, drops him off, and leaves. He doesnt even come to the door anymore. And like I said before, it scares me they could be getting closer. Mutaul friends still dont see it. Im not giving up on us. Im still in the background working on me hoping maybe he will see the light sometime soon.
And what light is that? Again, what if he see's you spending the night as a HUGE mistake? Stop worrying about his relationship. It will only hinder your progress.
Ms D, what changes are you making to better yourself and why are you making them? Be honest with yourself. If any of your reasons include to get him back or to win him over, there is a good chance they won't stick. You have to want to change for yourself only. If you do it for anyone else, they just won't stick. Let's say you make some changes for him, he goes on and marries this girl and you finally get over him. When you enter your next relationship, it will be so easy to revert back to old habits because the changes weren't for you. You will no longer feel you need to keep working so that your ex can see these changes. That could put you right back in this same place somewhere in the future. I am really sorry that it seems each time I post in your thread, I am hammering you. I just see what you can't right now. I have been there.
If you truly want your ex, you need to let him go. Work on you and get to a good place. You will still interact with him because of your S. When you finally let go, he will start seeing you and not a clingy/needy person that is chasing him. That is when he will believe in your changes. That is when he can get to know the new you (if he chooses). You cannot make these choices for him though...and neither can your mutual friends.
MrsD, there is much wisdom in Brian's words here. ^^^ Painful and difficult, probably, but much wisdom and compassion nonetheless.
I hope you will strongly consider them, and take his suggestions to heart.
Starsky
Yes I know Starsky. I am getting so much better than I was in the beginning though arent I?
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Yes I know Starsky. I am getting so much better than I was in the beginning though arent I?
Yes, you are. I don't think you're there yet, but self-awareness is the first step, and you CERTAINLY are giving it the EFFORT.
Just please know that there are many types of "cheerleaders." Like Brian, I know I tend to "call a spade a spade," but I wouldn't give you the 2x4s if I didn't care. We ALL want to see you heal!!!
PMA might also be low because I see nothing changing in the relationship.
MrsD,
I know this is painful for you, but there IS no "relationship," other than as ex-husband/ex-wife. There may or may not be one in the FUTURE, but until you get to a place in your own head and heart where you stop viewing this as "the relationship," I think you are going to be forever stuck.
I'm NOT trying to be mean here . . . I'm seriously trying to show you compassion and (along with Brian and some others) get you to a place where you need to be in order to HEAL and work on YOU. Only then will you be in a healthier place for your next relationship . . . whether that's with your ex-husband or with someone else.
That's not to say you give up HOPE; you do, however, have to deal with the brutal reality of your current situation (look up that "Stockdale Paradox" thing again that I suggested to you earlier).
Hugs,
Starsky
Thanks again Starsky. I guess when I say relationship, we dont even really a friendly one at this point. And I know maybe eventuallu we will get there, but its hard to go from 12 years to nothing. OK. I can do this. We have absolutely nothing anymore but our son. And it hurts.
I have the Stockdale paradox quote on my desktop. Read it daily. ..
Thank you Starsky. I know you mean well. I just have to see what it is and ge ok with it.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
I don't think that I've EVER seen Starsky sign off with 'hugs'!!! Wow!!
LOL!!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey Brian .. I think Ive let him go to a certain extent. Im not contacting him, or making excuses to stop by the house or anything. I honestly think Ive come along way from where I was at one time! Heck, 12 days ago I was contacting him about anything and everything. Baby steps getting to where I need to be...
I do see some changes. I also hope you know I am blunt because I care. I don't want you (or anyone) to hurt.
Brian
Thanks Brian. I know you care. Thanks.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Yes I know Starsky. I am getting so much better than I was in the beginning though arent I?
Yes, you are. I don't think you're there yet, but self-awareness is the first step, and you CERTAINLY are giving it the EFFORT.
Just please know that there are many types of "cheerleaders." Like Brian, I know I tend to "call a spade a spade," but I wouldn't give you the 2x4s if I didn't care. We ALL want to see you heal!!!
Starsky
Thank you Starsky. I know I am not there. I guess I can honestly say Im afraid to let him go. Hey - Im being honest, right? Something I wasnt at the end of our relationship.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
I don't think that I've EVER seen Starsky sign off with 'hugs'!!! Wow!!
LOL!!
LOL, I'm trying to do a better job at showing my softer side, what can I say. People are usually shocked to find out that IRL I'm actually a classic pleaser/rescuer/"Mr. Nice Guy" than I am a hardass. It's just that I try to provide a different perspective here on the forum, when and where I see others being soft of boundaries and doing the whole "give her foot-rubs" thing, lol.
Thank you Starsky. I know I am not there. I guess I can honestly say Im afraid to let him go. Hey - Im being honest, right? Something I wasnt at the end of our relationship.
Since you are a believer, a couple of things you may want to think about, MrsD. Have you thought about praying and asking God to either help soften your ex-husband's heart toward you, OR to take away your feelings for him, so that you can heal? Whichever one His perfect will is for your life?
It's a scary prayer, I know, but think about it . . .do you REALLY want something that isn't what GOD wants for your life, anyway?
The other thing you can pray for is specifically for help with LOSING THE FEAR. If you feel that that is at the root of much of your stuck-ness, then that seems to be like it'd be a logical place to start.
God didn't create us with a spirit of fear, but of boldness and courage and love.
