So basically I was here in late 2006/2007. At that time he had left to live with OW leaving me with our 4 children. I am just trying to give some background. As far as children our kids are 14, 12, and 10(twins) We have been together since 94 and married since 99. We did split up in 06 when he left me for OW whom he had been seeing while he was working out of town. Just as I was almost completely detached he came begging to come home. We laid out conditions and he did. Then as time went on I became more passive, more of a doormat AGAIN, and less of me. Things went well for some time after he came home and then he got hurt and is now on disability. Basically, that put all the responsibility at that point on me. Breadwinning, kids, bills, everything. He would get up and take them to the school bus and pick them up from the bus but really that's about it. I'm exhausted and cranky. Really, I don't even like being around me so I wouldn't think he would. I don't laugh or take jokes very well anymore either. I think it is just my day to day issues are survival for my family to get through meaning bills paid, food on the table, clothes. Basic needs. I have not really put the relationships as a priority.
I should also add in here like many other people with chronic health problems he also has severe depression. So much so that he has been hospitalized in the past for suicidal thoughts. About 9 months ago he stopped taking all of his meds and stopped counseling. Things went downhill, quickly.
My husband is verbally abusive. Not in calling names or anything like that but really belittling and just being snide and nasty. In addition, there are outbursts of anger ( I call this taking a fit lol) But when that happens he will throw things slam the door, just generally act like an angry teenager. So anyway, after coming off his meds, he started just hanging out with some guys I really don't like. Smoking pot, abusing pain pills. Beyond that though, is just he continues to be nastier and nastier.
Which brings me to our current situation, I am basically taking complete care of the home, the kids, and I am a full time nursing student. I am in my last year and I think the possible changes have freaked him out with that too. Suddenly, I will not be financially dependent.
So in the last year in addition to stopping his meds he lost his aunt who basically was his mother. He lived with her from the time he was 13 to adulthood. His lack of coping and grieving is also involved in this.
Everything fell apart about a week and a half ago. I had, had a clinical rotation for school and was at the hospital until 2 AM. Came home went to bed until 3 AM and he woke me up around 6 basically telling me he wasn't sure if he would be back. I was pretty freaked out. I knew we hadn't been close and had problems but really figured a lot of it was just the stressors of my schooling, and just life. Also, that when I was done with school much of this would be relieved and we could get on with our life without all the additional stress we have now - like financial worries, schedules, weird late hours, no time to each other, no time for family activities. - Apparently, though, he was not feeling the same way. He told me he felt numb towards me and had no positive feelings. He didn't love me, didn't want to touch me, be around me, and basically he blamed me for our life in the last 8 years. To be frank, we rarely if ever have sex. That was me. It's hard to want to have sex when you are exhausted, and really just talked to like crap all the time. His last attempt was literally, "Wanna F@&!?" Ummmmm NO!!!
He continued to stay here for another week and a half or so. We did talk and one of the things was his rudeness. He did actually make an effort and stopped being a jerk. I listening to what he was saying did a complete 180. I stopped nagging, screaming, complaining, was trying to just be supportive, offering touch not sexually but little things like patting his arm. Remaining positive and non confrontational.
Last night, there was another big blow up which started actually from the kids having an argument. He starts screaming what is the matter? At which point, I said what do you think? They are all freaked out waiting on you to leave. They don't understand or know what is going to happen and they are scared and need you. He took that to mean it was time to go, so he did.
Since he left, I haven't called, texted, or wanted to. I intend to stay completely dark. I really do not believe there is OW this time. I think he is just depressed and grieving and blaming me. However, I am tired of being blamed. Tired of settling for this angry nasty hateful person who seems so completely self absorbed. Do I have my share of fault and blame in this? Oh you betcha. I absolutely do.
So here I am. Again. I am going to work on me. I do still care about my marriage. Not the one I have had though here recently. I want a new life. One that has two parents for my children, one where I feel supported not belittled, one that brings joy not chaos. I basically did tell him that when he gets his head right to come talk to me but in the mean time I will be taking care of myself, and my needs. I wasn't nasty or rude but matter of fact. I think he is having a mid life crisis in addition to dealing with his grief and depression. So I intend to GAL for myself and hopefully it will rub off on him. And if not, then at least I will know I have tried everything. That's not much consolation really. I sound stronger than I feel but really I am pretty mad. lol I am sure that will pass and I will reach the forgiveness stage but I'm not there yet. So in the meantime, maybe the anger will help me be not so desolate that he is gone. If I am honest, the man that left here both times, is not the same man I married. That is the guy I want back. Not the angry, ranting, nasty man that left. So that's my story. Or at least the shortened version of it.
Will keep y'all updated. If anyone has any insight on how to best deal with severe depression in this type of situation I would love to hear it.
