Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Breakdown,
I hear you. I think I did understand the impact of OM1 enough to know that he was very hurt by it. But I was so angry at my H that I didn't care about that so I went to OM2. I also realize that it was a cry out for his attention. I could have not made those choices. I could have told OM2 to take a hike (I did for a long time actually). But I got so lonely and so angry that I eventually gave in. Even now I think about doing something destructive to get H's attention. Attention is the opposite of rejection... Just like a little kid draws on the wall with crayon to get his parent's attention.

So backbone... I was actually thinking about that last night as I'm sobbing to my H telling him how rejected I feel. I heard you saying to me "ask for what you want". Maybe it wasn't in DB style, but in all the years of this cycle I've never expressed those feelings to him. Thinking about it now, it was a good moment for me. I told him what I was feeling instead of doing something destructive. So go me.

Apology... The first one I know was about me... I thought about it while I was writing it but could not get to the place where I could give the correct apology. But that came later last night during my sobbing episode. I think that when we apologize it is always at least a little bit about relieving our own guilt so it's always about us to a degree. But I did tell him I would never intentionally hurt him and that our marriage would be my #1 priority from now on.

Glad to be having a long weekend where I can detox from all of this.