Will she still kiss you passionately? Would she while you guys were still making love?
Hi Starsky, the kissing stopped about 6 weeks ago (even pecks on the cheek stopped), and so did pretty much all physical contact. But strangely, while ML she would indeed kiss me very passionately. ML was pretty much as intense as ever, but as soon as it was over it was back to the usual cold shoulder routine. Is there any meaning to that? Personally I think she was still making an intimate connection with me during ML, and that's why she decided to quit doing it, because it was confusing her.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Just looking back quickly at your sich, an OM is not required and may never appear. It is possible that this person is a fantasy and only exists in romance novels inside her head.
Hi Cadet, always good to get your input. I do firmly believe there's no OM, even since we've separated there's no indications of it. But I do absolutely believe she has a fantasy in her head of some guy she wants to have googly-eyed love for and I'm sure she will eventually try to find a real guy to match that fantasy. But like you say, that's beyond my control and I can only work on me. And I am, and I feel stronger, more confident and better about myself every day
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
I read one of your posts on someone else's sitch and I noticed that you mentioned your wifes love language is WOA. My wifes is the same. I find it difficult since we are seperated to speak these. Could you give me some advice on anything that has worked for you?
Well this was a 180 for me because I very rarely gave her WOA before. I really wish I had read 5LL years ago! Basically I've been giving her praise over specific things whenever the opportunity presents itself, and it's from the heart. I really mean it, I don't just say it to try and fill her love tank. One example is she's been coming over to my house every morning and getting the kids ready for school, this allows me to leave the house and get to work early like I've done for years. So now and then I tell her how much I appreciate that she is doing this, and that she is a great mother to our kids and a wonderful person for doing this in spite of our sitch. Sometimes when I see her still dressed up for work I tell her how great she looks and ask about what she's wearing, especially if I haven't seen it before (I do this more as a friend would, not in sexual way). She likes to talk about what's going on at work (another of my 180's is to encourage this, I used to discourage her from talking about work because I had my own problems and didn't want to hear about hers, VERY bad attitude to have I realize now) and I'll mention to her that it impresses me how good she is at her job and what a great support she is to her coworkers. Stuff like that. As for whether it's working, I don't know if it's changing our sitch but if it makes her feel better about herself and life in general, then by all means it's worth it regardless of whether reconciliation is in the cards. I now do it with my kids, friends and people I work with as well. It's the right thing to do!
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
Your wife wanted to separate and that is what it should be. I know it is difficult but you are right to focus on yourself right now and go dim. Separation is just that.
Hi Sam, surprisingly it hasn't been that difficult. I'm finding it a lot easier now then when W was around me all the time. We were in a strange limbo before, but this broke the limbo and changed the sitch. Now W has the space she wanted all along, and I'm content to continue my GAL efforts and leave her to it. As I mentioned before she's moving the rest of her stuff out today (probably as I type this in fact). I moved the bigger stuff into the garage so she wouldn't have to drag it through the house, and when I was done I looked around and thought "wow, the house looks so much cleaner and uncluttered now", LOL! I took down all pictures of her (there weren't that many anyway) and I'm getting really comfortable with the idea of her being gone. I'm enjoying the heck out of doing stuff with just me and the kids. Granted it's only been a week, so who knows, maybe after more time I'll go through W withdrawals. But for now things are actually great with me!
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
I never did not love my wife so it was easy, once I realized my relationship was at death's door, to change quickly and permanently. It took my wife years to get to the point that she wanted to leave. She says she does not love me anymore and I believe her. I changed because of love and she has to fall back in love, if she can. It sounds like you are kind of in the same spot and it is not a great place to be but the recognition that we are on different paths has helped me.
Wow, yes that describes my sitch EXACTLY. My W claims it took years to get there too, but I truly believe it's not true, that it really just took a few months. I think she convinced herself it had been brewing a lot longer, but that was part of her efforts to rewrite history. Looking back there are indications from as recently as 9 months ago (6 months before BD) that she was very content in the M and had no desire to end things.
And yes, I also believe W is not "in love" with me right now. She loves me for sure, but she thinks the romantic spark is gone and that she wants/ needs that. She hasn't realized yet that being "in love" is a choice we make rather than a ball sitting on the ground waiting to be picked up. She has chosen not to be in love with me, and she can choose to be in love with me again. I hope she realizes this sooner rather than later. Same thing with happiness, her big complaint was that she hasn't been happy for a long time. But she doesn't understand yet that she's the only one that can make herself happy. These are the things she needs to reflect on in her time alone. I hope she uses the time and space wisely.
I too originally implemented my changes and 180's to bring her back. But the more I stuck with them, the happier I became about myself and the more independent of W I became. I eventually realized I do not need W at all, sure I WANT her, but I don't NEED her. I am perfectly capable of running a house and taking care of the kids all by myself. It's a liberating feeling when you realize your spouse is an option, not a necessity. Anyway, the 180's are no longer 180's, but are just the new me. I don't have to think about them much anymore, they just happen. As an example, it's a long story but D15 asked to be picked up at church, but neglected to tell me she went to a different one then the one I've always picked her up at before. So I was waiting at the old one wondering where the heck she was. She called, and SHE got mad at ME for being at the wrong place. She even hung up on me. The old me would have gone postal and punished her (that me believed in being RIGHT). The new me picked her up, firmly told her not to hang up on me as it's rude, then apologized for being in the wrong spot. Situation was immediately diffused. You've probably heard the saying around here "do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?" Well that extends to kids as well, and the new me is more interested in fostering relations than in being "right".
