Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Thanks Vero n Bug.

I did read After the Affair. We went to a few MC sessions and she suggested I read it. H would not read it. I did find it helpful and I thought if he read it maybe we could move along. I think I will leave the book for him since at this point I have nothing to lose.

I just had a meltdown in front of H... I don't get to that point too often because I'm so tough on the outside but I had to tell him that I just couldn't take the rejection any more because it's eating me alive ... said I was trying as hard as I could and putting 100% of my effort into the M and it was too hurtful for me to continue that if he was going to be that rejecting. I also want to add that I did acknowledge his hurt, many times over, during this conversation. I was sobbing and he knows that when I sob I'm serious. He started to tell me something along the lines of "it's too late" but I wouldn't let him talk. I could see in his eyes he felt bad somewhere inside...

In the past the ONLY way I have been able to get through to him is when I get to the point where I am sobbing and in so much pain. And even then it would take him hours to come around sometimes. A day or two even.

He's a very black and white guy and says his mind is made up, so I asked him please to hurry it along if he wants a D. I don't think he's handling it right and obviously I don't want a D but I am starting to suffer so much that it's not healthy for me to be in this situation any more.

I know this is all the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing but this rejection was a big problem in our M and one of the reasons I made the choices that I made. Not blaming him... just saying it was a factor.

Also I absolutely do not believe him when he says he doesn't love me.

I thought I heard him crying just now but he was just watching The Daily Show and laughing. Glad to know he's taking my desperate plea so seriously.

Tomorrow I am taking the kids up to Yosemite for a few days. Going to try to relax and NC while I am there. I am hoping he'll be a little nicer when we get back.