Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

This is the continuation of my previous thread, "Standing My Ground."

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2282433&page=1

The last two days have been horrible. I feel like giving up. I just can't take the rejection from my H any more. If rejection were an Olympic sport, he'd have the gold locked up. He is a master at it and is using it to control me because he knows I can't stand it.

I am unwelcome in my own home... I can't be in the same room where H is. I can't ride in the car with H. I can't eat a meal with H. I can't enjoy a movie with my kids if H is in the room watching them. I can't sleep in my own bed. This is hell and I want to die. (Ok, don't call any suicide hotlines, I'm not sitting here with a razor blade).

Denver_2010 said on my last post

You can't imagine just how impactful your actions have been to your H. First, you haven't had it happen to you. Second, you are a woman. I believe that the way that an affair impacts a man is very different than how it effects a woman (I'm ready for the backlash for that statement, LOL). It goes to the very core of who we are. Our manhood, our mojo, so to speak. I believe that men are, by nature, protective and somewhat possessive of our mate and our offspring. When our mate goes outside of that circle, it hits our very essence, our instinct to protect our family.

Your actions have caused damage to your H's confidence and his understanding of who he is, and what his role on this planet is. That is what I believe.

So for you to truly understand that, well, I don't think that it's possible.

This I know to be true. It hasn't happened to me. Furthermore, my H suffers from low self esteem - which I didn't realize until Bond pointed it out. So it was even worse for him than maybe for another person.

I also know that OM2 was partially fueled out of revenge for the horrible way H had treated me over the past year. I don't want this to be perceived as an excuse. I know I made the choice to do it, he didn't make me do it. But I did know it would hurt him. I know Chatterbug is going to get me on that one. But yes, it's true.

Now I am suffering the consequences of my choice by enduring this...

I did make a conciliatory gesture towards him today which I thought that he ignored. I told him I didn't like being so angry with him but I was hurt and frustrated about our communication problems. And unfortunately I just got so upset that I picked a fight with him and told him to go and get a D. That I couldn't take it any more, that he "wins." He said, I don't love you, I don't want to be married to you. Very coldly I might add.

So this is now the complete opposite of what everyone is telling me to do. I can't be a cool cucumber, I am a mess.

What upsets me most is not that he wants to D, is that he does not want to try. No Retrouvaille, no MC, no anything. He said he already tried and he is done trying.

I believe that he very well be crying out for you to acknowledge his hurt.

I have been trying to do that and it was working... and all of a sudden it stopped working.

My only option I think is to go dark. I don't know if I have the mental toughness to do it. I just want this over and I have already started two texts to him out of frustration and then erased them because I know I'll regret it.

The other option is to crawl into our bed right now which is what I really want to do.

[2chiquitos]

I don't mean to ignore what you wrote but I'm curious to know if you've read the book, after the affair. It gives you some insight on how to repair the damage caused and gives you insight as to what the betrayed spouse is feeling/thinking.

Consider it if you haven't already looked at it.

Many hugs to you.

[labug]

You are not alone.

Give him space and time.

[mamabird]

Thanks Vero n Bug.

I did read After the Affair. We went to a few MC sessions and she suggested I read it. H would not read it. I did find it helpful and I thought if he read it maybe we could move along. I think I will leave the book for him since at this point I have nothing to lose.

I just had a meltdown in front of H... I don't get to that point too often because I'm so tough on the outside but I had to tell him that I just couldn't take the rejection any more because it's eating me alive ... said I was trying as hard as I could and putting 100% of my effort into the M and it was too hurtful for me to continue that if he was going to be that rejecting. I also want to add that I did acknowledge his hurt, many times over, during this conversation. I was sobbing and he knows that when I sob I'm serious. He started to tell me something along the lines of "it's too late" but I wouldn't let him talk. I could see in his eyes he felt bad somewhere inside...

In the past the ONLY way I have been able to get through to him is when I get to the point where I am sobbing and in so much pain. And even then it would take him hours to come around sometimes. A day or two even.

He's a very black and white guy and says his mind is made up, so I asked him please to hurry it along if he wants a D. I don't think he's handling it right and obviously I don't want a D but I am starting to suffer so much that it's not healthy for me to be in this situation any more.

I know this is all the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing but this rejection was a big problem in our M and one of the reasons I made the choices that I made. Not blaming him... just saying it was a factor.

Also I absolutely do not believe him when he says he doesn't love me.

I thought I heard him crying just now but he was just watching The Daily Show and laughing. Glad to know he's taking my desperate plea so seriously.

Tomorrow I am taking the kids up to Yosemite for a few days. Going to try to relax and NC while I am there. I am hoping he'll be a little nicer when we get back.

[hopefulinga]

What upsets me most is not that he wants to D, is that he does not want to try. No Retrouvaille, no MC, no anything. He said he already tried and he is done trying.

LA, I've heard the same thing about MC, and I know my H has a good reason not to go in his mind. He also told me that he's been trying and it tired of it, but I honestly don't know what that means other than putting up with my sh!t. And I feel the same way that you do. I'm sad that right now he won't commit to trying. I am going to brin gup Retrouvaille in an email when he is gone in 2 week.

But I don't believe that he is truly done. I know that I am not happy with the current state of affairs, but I see a few small things.

I wouldn't take his watching the Daily Show too personally, he probably didn't know how to handle all of what just happened. I would try to see what happens over the next few days while you are away. You've said your peace, even though it was not exactly in DB style, and you probably feel a lot better getting it out of your system. I'm afraid to meltdown in front of him at this point, and when I do, I can't tell him all of it.

When W of A is one of your LL and you are being rejected, it hurts. Trust me, I know. I told H I am within 5 lbs of my weight on the day we got married. No response. That's a small example. And this can become self consuming and destructive.

Are you still out trying to take walks? Please try to get in a walk or some other exercise. I found myself totally thinking about other things on the treadmill yesterday, and then I teared up for a minute, and went back to enjoying my 30 minutes of peace. Snuggle with the dog. They don't complain, talk back and love you no matter what.

[Breakdown]

I also know that OM2 was partially fueled out of revenge for the horrible way H had treated me over the past year.

I think understanding the dynamics at work here is an important step. Do you think this is because you minimized the impact of OM1 on your H?

I told him I didn't like being so angry with him but I was hurt and frustrated about our communication problems.

Sorry LA, but that really sounds like an apology about you. Something along these lines may have been received better, "I know I deeply wounded you...twice. I know I broke your trust. I realize I have done serious damage to our M, and I am truly sorry. I am doing everything in my power to understand myself better so that I never make these mistakes again. I hope you can forgive me."

Of course, he could have had the same reaction, but that's not the point. You're not apologizing for a reaction (you might have been yesterday, but you shouldn't be), you're apologizing because you need to, because you love this person, and you did hurt him. He could easily say "it's too late" or "it doesn't matter now" but it does, and it certainly does to you.

I know this is all the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing but this rejection was a big problem in our M and one of the reasons I made the choices that I made. Not blaming him... just saying it was a factor.

And this is where the "backbone" comes in. Your weakness here is partly responsible for OM1 & OM2. When are you going to address it? Are you going to let your own weakness continue to control your behavior? To destroy what's left of your M? Carry it into your next R? Teach it to your children?

This is hard stuff LA....really hard. My LL is quality time. How much of that do you think I got over the last 18 months? My W went out of her way to not only not spend any time with me, but to intentionally hurt me repeatedly. This is why you have to detach, and you have to stop thinking you want everything fixed right now....his timeline is not yours.

You're going to have to start thinking about who you want to be. If you're M is over, wouldn't you still want to apologize for hurt your H? Wouldn't you still want to be at peace when you saw him? This is the stuff you need to be focused on....not H's reaction, or timeline, or behavior.

Seriously, think about everything you've been told this week, dig into you. And enjoy your weekend with your kids, relax, and keep breathing

[mamabird]

Thanks Hopeful. The dogs did cuddle up with me last night before all of this happened, as if they knew I needed some extra help. It is great to have them around.

Still trying to walk them in the am. It's good alone time for me. The tension just got too much for me to bear last night and I lost it. Oh well.

I feel like this has been the whole vicious cycle in our marriage: I do something hurtful (unintentionally) -> he rejects -> I get angry and go outside the marriage so I do not have to feel so rejected. Then I can say, "well, at least so and so thinks I'm ok". It makes me feel better but makes the cycle so much worse.

This is no way to live and no way to have a marriage.

If he does file, I'm going to try to get him to go to Retrovaille as a condition of my signing. Not an ideal way to get him to go but by that time I'll have everything to lose if not.

[mamabird]

Breakdown,
I hear you. I think I did understand the impact of OM1 enough to know that he was very hurt by it. But I was so angry at my H that I didn't care about that so I went to OM2. I also realize that it was a cry out for his attention. I could have not made those choices. I could have told OM2 to take a hike (I did for a long time actually). But I got so lonely and so angry that I eventually gave in. Even now I think about doing something destructive to get H's attention. Attention is the opposite of rejection... Just like a little kid draws on the wall with crayon to get his parent's attention.

So backbone... I was actually thinking about that last night as I'm sobbing to my H telling him how rejected I feel. I heard you saying to me "ask for what you want". Maybe it wasn't in DB style, but in all the years of this cycle I've never expressed those feelings to him. Thinking about it now, it was a good moment for me. I told him what I was feeling instead of doing something destructive. So go me.

Apology... The first one I know was about me... I thought about it while I was writing it but could not get to the place where I could give the correct apology. But that came later last night during my sobbing episode. I think that when we apologize it is always at least a little bit about relieving our own guilt so it's always about us to a degree. But I did tell him I would never intentionally hurt him and that our marriage would be my #1 priority from now on.

Glad to be having a long weekend where I can detox from all of this.

[scaredsilly]

I think you did a good job. You expressed your needs and made a commitment to him.

[labug]

I don't think he's handling it right and obviously I don't want a D but I am starting to suffer so much that it's not healthy for me to be in this situation any more.

We can't ever be sure of things we read here on the boards because we get a skewed perspective but I would guess that your suffering has little to do with the marriage. Yes, it's a factor but you seem to have a lot more going on that you need to work on. Breakdown is giving great advice and you will carry this to your next R if you don't figure it out now.

Stop focusing on your H so much and turn that back on you.

Who are you? Why are you so unhappy? Answer that question without the words H or M or R.

Who do you want to be?