Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

This is the continuation of my previous thread, "Standing My Ground."

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2282433&page=1

The last two days have been horrible. I feel like giving up. I just can't take the rejection from my H any more. If rejection were an Olympic sport, he'd have the gold locked up. He is a master at it and is using it to control me because he knows I can't stand it.

I am unwelcome in my own home... I can't be in the same room where H is. I can't ride in the car with H. I can't eat a meal with H. I can't enjoy a movie with my kids if H is in the room watching them. I can't sleep in my own bed. This is hell and I want to die. (Ok, don't call any suicide hotlines, I'm not sitting here with a razor blade).

Denver_2010 said on my last post

You can't imagine just how impactful your actions have been to your H. First, you haven't had it happen to you. Second, you are a woman. I believe that the way that an affair impacts a man is very different than how it effects a woman (I'm ready for the backlash for that statement, LOL). It goes to the very core of who we are. Our manhood, our mojo, so to speak. I believe that men are, by nature, protective and somewhat possessive of our mate and our offspring. When our mate goes outside of that circle, it hits our very essence, our instinct to protect our family.

Your actions have caused damage to your H's confidence and his understanding of who he is, and what his role on this planet is. That is what I believe.

So for you to truly understand that, well, I don't think that it's possible.

This I know to be true. It hasn't happened to me. Furthermore, my H suffers from low self esteem - which I didn't realize until Bond pointed it out. So it was even worse for him than maybe for another person.

I also know that OM2 was partially fueled out of revenge for the horrible way H had treated me over the past year. I don't want this to be perceived as an excuse. I know I made the choice to do it, he didn't make me do it. But I did know it would hurt him. I know Chatterbug is going to get me on that one. But yes, it's true.

Now I am suffering the consequences of my choice by enduring this...

I did make a conciliatory gesture towards him today which I thought that he ignored. I told him I didn't like being so angry with him but I was hurt and frustrated about our communication problems. And unfortunately I just got so upset that I picked a fight with him and told him to go and get a D. That I couldn't take it any more, that he "wins." He said, I don't love you, I don't want to be married to you. Very coldly I might add.

So this is now the complete opposite of what everyone is telling me to do. I can't be a cool cucumber, I am a mess.

What upsets me most is not that he wants to D, is that he does not want to try. No Retrouvaille, no MC, no anything. He said he already tried and he is done trying.

I believe that he very well be crying out for you to acknowledge his hurt.

I have been trying to do that and it was working... and all of a sudden it stopped working.

My only option I think is to go dark. I don't know if I have the mental toughness to do it. I just want this over and I have already started two texts to him out of frustration and then erased them because I know I'll regret it.

The other option is to crawl into our bed right now which is what I really want to do.