Hi Anotherstrander. Have not been on the board lately. Had some great moments with my wife and others that make me recognize that me and my wife are going through different things and on different paths but hopefully they lead to the same destination.
I will fill you in. Just poopped in to see how you were doing but it will be good to write this out to help reflect on it. A lot has happened so I am not even sure of the exact timeline but here it goes:
The morning after I posted my wife came home from taking the kids to school about a half hour later than normal. I was on the phone for work and once I got off she asked me to lay down on the bed. She then snuggled with me and it was amazing. First real physical contact like that since the bomb. She was late getting back because she was talking with the Realtor that had gone through her own divorce about 6 years ago. Not 100% sure what she told my wife but it had to do with the "other side of divorce" and my wife also mentioned that the Realtor told her that when she got divorced her husband had not tried to change to save the marriage and if I was really changing she (my wife) needed to try too. My wife admitted to me that she had not been trying and that she was going to. That if we both tried we could make it. She said she was going to start focusing on the present and not the past. I had sent her an email earlier in the year that probably set this all in motion. It was really harsh and it was a stupid mistake. It was the old me to the extreme. She admitted that she has been reading it a lot and that she was going to delete it. She said that she wanted to spend as much time as possible together. I was overwhelmed. We had plans to go paddle boarding and I actually had to remind her that we needed to go. We went paddle boarding and had a great time.
That was about a week ago and we have spent a great deal of time together since. Probably 80-90%. I can do this as I am fortunate to own my own business and while it is not ideal I have stopped working for the most part. My wife is more important to me than my business. Been a fun week. We went out until 2 in the morning twice - something I have not done in over a decade. My wife helped me get a new wardrobe. Apparently my taste is worse than I thought . We watched some shows together that my wife initiated. Still not a lot of physical contact and I can not do anything more that a light touch here and there. But that is fine. Happy to be where I am today and that is a big part of my 180.
Not everything is perfect and I have not expected it to be.
A few days ago after a great day together she rolled over in bed and hugged me. I do not think she said anything. If she did I missed it. It lasted maybe a minute and she went back to her side of the bed and said she was still furious with me. I am ok with that. I hope it is part of the process of her healing.
Today we were in the car after a 45 minute trip to take one of our pets to a specialist. On the way back she opened up and said she was still having a hard time with this. She can not understand how I can change so quickly. That I am desperate to keep her and once she agrees to stay I will change back. That one of her friends recommended that she do something to test me. (It will not work - my 180's are pretty set I am proud to say). That she thinks the kids will hate her if she leaves. She admitted to being depressed. She acknowledge that I have been the "perfect husband" and yet she can still not be happy and she does not know if she can love me again. She is still angry with me. I have a trip next Friday for five days for an important business trip but I was planning on talking to her about not going so I brought that up. I asked if we are spending to much time together and asked if she needed a break or if I should stay home instead of going on the trip. She told me she does not know what she wants. I told her I understood her feelings and I understood why she might think my changes are not permanent and I really do understand. Not just saying it. She is obviously in a lot of conflict still and that is understandable given that she just decided a week ago to try and work on the relationship. I am worried about her mental health. I did tell her that she was my hero. That most couples in this situation were not where we are and I know she is trying (At least I think she is). I also told her that I had no expectations about us except for what we are doing today. Not sure what else to say or if anything should be said. Only time and me changing will fix this if it is fixable.
She did acknowledge her depression and that she missed her counseling appointment last week. Probably missed it to spend time with me. You mentioned above I need to find out what makes her happy and get her there and I am not sure how to get her there by myself. We have had some discussions about that. I will help her get there if I can but I am not sure if she knows right now.
My response to this has been to continue to focus on my 180, being the best husband and father I can be, and enjoying the moment. I am trying to look at all of this as two steps forward one step back and I am not over reacting (I hope). As I mentioned above I have tempered all future expectations. If my wife leaves me I will know I have tried my hardest and it was not enough and I am comfortable with whatever happens. It has taken a lot of pressure off me. Some times I do feel like I am still walking on eggshells at times but they are few and farther between. If anything I am just looking for any opportunity to make her happy and to keep working on my 180's.
My 180's now feel permanent which also takes some stress off. I never realized how angry I was all the time and my wife was taking the brunt of it. Kind of feel reborn right now. About t month before the bomb I had a complete falling out with my parents. The short of it is my Dad wanted my business - because he is my father. Found out today that he has been going into our off-site storage. We are not sure but we can surmise that he has taken product. The old me would have stewed over this for days and been a sullen withdrawn jerk at home. Whatever. Life goes on and I refuse now to be angry over something like this. (He had signed the storage lease so legally he had access.) Not going to lie - it bothered me - but I did not get angry. And part of me was shocked at that but really I am overjoyed. No more anger! Feel so much better.
Any advice on my trip would be great. We did talk about spending as much time together as possible but I am concerned it might be to much. Not sure if I can get a decision from her on this. It is an important trip in regards to my business but it is insignificant in regards to my marriage. If it is up to me I will not go.
I do want to finish this novel by saying that I feel extremely fortunate right now. Not sure if it will all work out but I am just going to focus on myself. She is not going to fall in love with me overnight. Going to be a long road. I realized today that I was able to chance so quickly because I have always loved my wife and when I realized what I had to do to try and save this marriage I did it - as quickly as I could. My wife has fallen out of love with me. We are going through two different things. She will need a lot of time to sort this out. And more time to fall in love with me. I am just thankful for today.
. We watched some shows together that my wife initiated. Still not a lot of physical contact and I can not do anything more that a light touch here and there. But that is fine. Happy to be where I am today and that is a big part of my 180.
