best and worse thing to ever go through

[sandi2]

Like most people, you'll experience back & forth emotions from your own attitude. The majority here are LBS. They can help you as you progress. Me.....I can tell you what usually doesn't work to draw the WAW back. The harder you try to be around her, trying to stay as close as possible, or being available for whatever comes up.....the harder she'll work to push the M apart.

Don't panic when she talks about a D. Don't feel that everything she says needs a response from you. So she makes statements that cause you to nearly freak, so what? If she accuses you of being mad and not talking just b/c you don't reply.....tell her you didn't know how to respond to her statement.

Be ready to see things get worse before they get better. But they can get better. Your M can be saved. "Time".....that four letter word! You'll hear it quite often on the board.

[eyesopen]

So since my w works evenings and I work during the day, sometimes she will come over in the morning and wait for the kids to get up, and sometimes I will put the kids to bed at her house and wait until she gets home then leave. We do this so the kids do not have to get up at 5:00 in the morning. Trying to keep as normal of a schedule as we can for them. Tonight I put them to bed at her house. I could tell something was on her mind and then the tears came. Not from me but from her. Just wondering about handling this sitch. I asked her if she wanted to talk, and she said she didn't know what to say. I said ok, and left. I kept my PMA and did my best not to let it affect me. I don't want to seem like I don't care, because I do care about her, but I also don't want to linger. Sometimes it seems that she is struggling with this more than I am. I guess that is a good thing for me, as far as detatchment goes. Especially since two months ago I would have been in tears as well.

[eyesopen]

I know that gifts are not appropriate at this time, but tomorrow is my wifes 8 year anniversary of sobriety. Is it ok to get a gift for her from the kids? Or is a simple text of congrats more appropriate. I was never very good at remembering special occasions, especially her sober date. Thinking it may be a good 180 moment even though it will be from the kids. I was just thinking a card and a Caribou gift card, nothing extravagent.

[eyesopen]

So I am wondering if it is advisable to try and speak your mates LL while seperated. My W's LL is words of affirmation. I feel like if I speak these it may come off as sucking up, when I am trying to detach. For the most part my W is luke warm to me, with the occasional cold front. So it seems that she may be somewhat receptive to her own LL.

On another note, I have mentioned before that 180's are a bit difficult for me since my wife hasn't really given any reasons as to what went wrong. She has said I am controlling, which I have admitted that I probably was. I have been working on that. I know that I was not very supportive of what she wanted to do with her life, although we both put a value on her being a stay at home mom. I guess that goes along with controlling. I also used to make her fell guilty about leaving the kids with me and her wanting to go out. Once again "controlling." But for about the last year and a half I have really embraced my role as a parent. So since she works in the evenings I have offered a few times to take the kids on a night that she isn't working so that she may get out. I normally have the kids 4 nights a week already, so taking another makes it difficult for me to GAL. I do want my wife back, but regardless I don't want to give up time with my children. Sorry I am rambling, just typing as it comes to me. So how do you 180 as far as support goes with a woman that has walked out? How do you affirm that? I don't feel like I am sucking up, I do only show her a happy, positive me. Ughh, sometimes it is all so clear, and sometimes it is hard to make heads or tails out of anything. Either way I do feel really good about just being positive in all aspects of my life. The whole fake it til you make sure seems to work. I do like the direction my life is heading, and I really think I will get another shot.

[Cadet]

Do you think that you can MAKE her LOVE you?

That you can CONTROL her into changing and LOVING YOU?

Is that what you would really want if it would work?

You make the changes for YOU, so YOU are a better person.
Why did your wife fall in love with you when you met?
Be THAT person.
She will either love you again or not.

But the specific answer to your question is dont pursue to try to win her back.
Stay detached.
Speak with ACTIONS not WORDS.

Keep being the BEST DAD that you can be.

Trust the PROCESS

[eyesopen]

Thanks cadet, you are 100%, right. I do not want her back unless she chooses it of her own free will.

I do feel like I am on the right path for myself. I am happier than I have been in awhile. Lonely at times but nothing that I can't handle, nothing that this website can't help. I do find it kind of amusing that a wife can leave, then be shown nothing but kindness and contentment by her LBH, and show coldness and resentment in return. I guess it goes to show how much pain and confusion that they are in. Also want to say thank you for reposting the lighthouse story on another thread. It will become daily reading for me.

[AnotherStander]

My w's language is words of affirmation. It seems to be very difficult to express affirmation right now as we are not living together. Any advice on how to do this would help.

Eyes, I answered this question you posed in my thread, but wanted to copy/ paste it to your thread as well:

"Well this was a 180 for me because I very rarely gave her WOA before. I really wish I had read 5LL years ago! Basically I've been giving her praise over specific things whenever the opportunity presents itself, and it's from the heart. I really mean it, I don't just say it to try and fill her love tank. One example is she's been coming over to my house every morning and getting the kids ready for school, this allows me to leave the house and get to work early like I've done for years. So now and then I tell her how much I appreciate that she is doing this, and that she is a great mother to our kids and a wonderful person for doing this in spite of our sitch. Sometimes when I see her still dressed up for work I tell her how great she looks and ask about what she's wearing, especially if I haven't seen it before (I do this more as a friend would, not in sexual way). She likes to talk about what's going on at work (another of my 180's is to encourage this, I used to discourage her from talking about work because I had my own problems and didn't want to hear about hers, VERY bad attitude to have I realize now) and I'll mention to her that it impresses me how good she is at her job and what a great support she is to her coworkers. Stuff like that. As for whether it's working, I don't know if it's changing our sitch but if it makes her feel better about herself and life in general, then by all means it's worth it regardless of whether reconciliation is in the cards. I now do it with my kids, friends and people I work with as well. It's the right thing to do!"

The important thing is not to have any expectations about it. Just do it and don't expect anything in return. And try not to overdo it or it might come off as pandering. Make it genuine and sincere.

And another comment, Sandi is coming at this as a former WAW and her advice is very valuable, but DB doesn't suggest you should not be a friend to your wife. You should be (at least, IMO). I agree with Sandi that you should be mysterious and not always available, but if your W wants to talk you should be there for her, and you should concentrate on being a great listener- no interrupting, lots of eye contact, repeat her thoughts, feelings and emotions back to her. "It sounds like you are angry and upset, I'm sorry you feel that way." Validate without taking a position.

Tonight I put them to bed at her house. I could tell something was on her mind and then the tears came. Not from me but from her. Just wondering about handling this sitch. I asked her if she wanted to talk, and she said she didn't know what to say. I said ok, and left.

Hmmm. Well first, don't read too much into it. It's just a reflection of the turmoil that is boiling under the surface. It may have been frustration or confusion, but probably isn't a sign that a turnaround is imminent. You might have tried something like "I understand if you don't want to talk now, but let me know when you're ready and I'll be happy to listen." Just saying "OK" and leaving might have left her with the impression that you didn't care. Not a big backslide though. Next time you see her you might mention something like the above, that you're available if/ when she wants to talk about her feelings.

I know that gifts are not appropriate at this time, but tomorrow is my wifes 8 year anniversary of sobriety. Is it ok to get a gift for her from the kids? Or is a simple text of congrats more appropriate. I was never very good at remembering special occasions, especially her sober date. Thinking it may be a good 180 moment even though it will be from the kids. I was just thinking a card and a Caribou gift card, nothing extravagent.

Do the kids know about it (her sobriety)? If not then that might not be a good idea. If they do, then that sounds OK. And I don't see a problem with a simple text either. Neither really comes off as pursuit to me.

[sandi2]

"I think you have to take what sandi said with a grain of salt. We don't know all about you sitch. So be careful about the advice you get here."

And just what part of what I told him should he take with a grain of salt?

[eyesopen]

I think he meant the salt goes with the shots of tequila! As I mentioned before I do not contact her unless it is about the kids.

The difficult part about this, is that I feel like I am three parts. A man, a husband, and a father.

The man in me says, take a hike woman, there are plenty of women out there that would love a chance at what I have to offer.

The husband in me says, honor your vows and stand by your wife, this is your darkest hour.

The father in me says, this is the mother of your children, do what it takes to keep your family whole.

I guess it is all about timing as to which of the three she sees, based on the sitch at hand.

[Cadet]

The husband in me says, honor your vows and stand by your wife, this is your darkest hour.

The father in me says, this is the mother of your children, do what it takes to keep your family whole.

There is a right way and a wrong way to go about all this.
It is all not as logical as most would like.
It is counterintutive.

There is one word that can be your mantra.

DETACH.

Take you love and put it away in a box on the shelf.

Follow the advice above that you have given yourself.
Keep moving foward without slamming the door fully shut.

This is a very tough concept.

Tough Love is still Love.

Dont base your decisions by what you see right now.
She is not the same person right now but maybe she can be better down the road.