I live with Mr Cranky Pants

[AJM]

I've always found you turn the TV on by talking nicely to it. To each their own..

Good for you for keeping your sense of humor. Don't let go of that...

AJ

[GALbaby]

Maybe there's lesson there for Mr Cranky Pants AJM....how to turn on the W by talking nicely to her.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Gal!

It's been busy here, haven't had much time to post.

How dare you work the tv by using a remote! MCLers will find anything to get squirrelly about. And they do.

Hope you had a good weekend and didn't have to deal with Mr. Cranky Pants too much. Will try to post on my thread soon.

Take care!

[reachingHigher]

Hey GB! What's been going on?

[GALbaby]

Hi you guys...hope your doing plenty of GAL'ing and staying well. All OK here, steady for now. I get upset some days because Cranky Pants gets snappy and you know how you feel when your giving everything to someone and you just want a little in return? Well it gets me down some days because I know I deserve better. Just when I feel like screaming "enough already!" he comes good and does something nice like bringing me coffee in bed or helping me around the house. Then I think WOW we are making progress, albeit slow, it IS progress, then I go back to believing in what I'm doing once again.

DB coach suggested a book "How to improve your relationship without talking about it". Well that's exactly what we are doing for now anyway....NOT talking about it. Down the track I believe we will have to go there, but its still rather raw and best left alone for now. Still building on that friendship and R slowly and I'm not going to lay the guilt trip on him. When I get down or confused I go back to reading all my MLC stuff and other recommended reading to get back on track. It really helps to understand the whole phenomenon about MLC, R's and being that lighthouse.

Well I don't believe i'm out of the woods yet, there's still a lot of work to do and I am certainly not going to become complacent. I've learned that I love my H, I took plenty of stuff for granted, and contributed plenty to our sitch. I won't fall into that trap again. I remember how much despair I felt just a few short weeks ago. Still GAL and taking it day by day.

Keep in touch, I love hearing from you, am always hoping for the best for you both and everyone here.

[labug]

GAL, the control discussion begins here: LaBug

[reachingHigher]

Oh, GB, it must be so hard living with him day after day. But at least you are in the same bed together, right? I would say that is great progress! How many months were you out, four?

I admire your courage, day after day. Keeping on. Maybe I should get the book. Is it by MWD?

[GALbaby]

Thanks for that LaBug. Many of the things you said about your H I can relate to. My H is proudly subborn and won't initiate that conversation either. I'm not sure if its such a bad thing, I just don't know. I'm still working on some theory's in DR and other R books that I have read. Given that I was sleeping alone in the spare bedroom for going on 5 months and am now back in the marital bed is great progress.

However, the control issues my H displays just stun me. He is bordering OC I think, and definitely MLC/depressed. I sometimes get the feeling he regrets his outbursts and because I usually don't react it does diffuse the situation somewhat. So go me!! He has to live with himself. What does worry me is that his rages in the past have been when he demands a divorce, says hurtful and nasty things, upsets the whole family and of course devastates me. I'm not sure how to insist that it stop and he communicate his concerns to me in a respectful way. I think in time if our R is stronger I will have to approach that subject. Any advice would be appreciated.

Still its not all bad, he is loving and thoughtful, he is just a very ANGRY MLC'er too. Being aware of that really helps.

RH the book is by Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny. You can get it on Amazon. I borrowed it from the library and will re-read it again soon. Its a very interesting perspective on R's.

[reachingHigher]

Wow! GB, I can't imagine living with an angry man. My H is SO not that way. I think I've only seen him angry twice and for less than 5 minutes. One minute of displaying anger and 4 to cool down.

My father is an easily angered person and I know how hard that is to live with. I agree that it is definitely something to address down the road. Kudos to you that you can stay calm.

You are an amazingly strong person with such a deep capacity for love and care for others. Its been such a pleasure interacting with you here.

[labug]

GAL, you're in a tough place. Anger can be very scary and dangerous.

You also mentioned possible mental illness and while I think it's usually fruitless for us to start diagnosing others, sometimes it's very obvious. Are you willing to continue in a R with someone with untreated mental illness? By OC do you mean obsessive-compulsive disorder or obsessive compulsive personality disorder? 2 very different things. Or is he a perfectionist?

Have you tried boundaries? "H when you (raise your voice, call me names, be specific) I feel disrespected(an example, I don't know how it makes you feel). If you continue to do that I will leave the (room, house, etc)." And calmly walk away, don't argue, don't give second chances. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Would you let anyone else treat you that way?

You must value yourself.