Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[breakdownbill]

Reading some of that sitch was like being given an insight into the psyche of how a WAW conceptualises their actions as being acceptable in their minds.

LA is hopefully on her way to recovery and some of the stuff she had said was creating a stir with a lot of men on here including me.

I see where you are coming from Cutter, because a full on wayward, enabled spouse in an affair wouldn't even check their rearview mirror, let alone question their actions on their fast track ride to destruction.

For a WAS some feel it is their right to seek happiness outside of the M with OP, in fact my W didn't even see it as an affair until I exposed it.

Anyone can be unhappy and look outwards to try and divert their energy from their problems, it takes guts to look inwards, own your issues and commit to working on them.

If you can't save your M, you make sure you save yourself and learn from your mistakes, growing every step of the way.

[chatterbug]

You see when you expose... They are mad at you for breaking the fantasy.... of them being right and perfect in a few peoples eyes... Not mad at their actions.....

Its more a embarrassed of people finding out who they really are vs them realizing who they really are.

[breakdownbill]

You see when you expose... They are mad at you for breaking the fantasy.... of them being right and perfect in a few peoples eyes... Not mad at their actions.....

Its more a embarrassed of people finding out who they really are vs them realizing who they really are.

Yeah, when you put it like that it makes complete sense why the cheating spouse wants to keep it hidden so much.

I know my W really doesn't want to tell her parents what she has done & I get why not.

I used to be bothered about what my MIL & FIL in particular would think of me if they didn't know the full story.

Now I just think, even if they knew the truth they would still support my W (their daughter) and I would want that to happen anyway (she'll need their support).

I've had a challenging but good first week back actually on campus - I need to pick up the pace already but that's a good thing. I've been inspired by some of the people and tutors I've met already.

I'm actually looking forward to next Tuesday & Wednesday when I have my 1st legal appointments & counselling session with my IC from earlier on in the year.

I am not afraid of making choices and independent decisions about my life anymore, more information means more knowledge to inform what options are best for me and my kids.

Thanks for keeping an eye on me Cutter, it's much appreciated

Bill

[chatterbug]

The 15km is done. I will post the medal later.

Again. Mods if it is not allowed please delete it. Not my intent to break any rules. Just doing a little PMA.

[breakdownbill]

That's great, hope you're enjoying the hot tub and pints after that 15K

[breakdownbill]

Some updates on my sitch...

I had my IC session on Tuesday and I got a lot out of it, my counsellor couldn't get over the difference in me since my last session a few months ago.

He said that I didn't really need anymore counselling as a concern and to just make an appt if there's something happening I need to talk about.

So that was nice, getting validation that I'd grown in terms of my confidence and rationality from him.

Today I went to see a solicitor (lawyer) about my legal options and it doesn't look all that bad. I've decided to file for divorce myself.

I qualify for legal aid so as long as my divorce doesn't go to court I won't have to pay any legal fees.

Shared custody of the children shouldn't be an issue.

Timeline - as long as it is amicable 4 - 6 months to complete.

Just got some groundwork to do regarding what our property is worth, check if my w would be able to take on the mortgage on her own.

I'm going to have a conversation with my W probably tomorrow night as I already have plans tonight about finances and to tell her I've decided to file.

I need to clarify what we can agree on, so it doesn't get complicated or expensive.

I'm ready to take this step and I'm done, I don't want a M with my W anymore.

Bill

[chatterbug]

Bill. This part is very tough. Very tough. I shed a few tears on the night of the separation papers being signed.

But it will create crisis in her life. It is a moment of reality for her.

She will do a few tests on you to see if your bluffing or not.

You just continue with the parallel paths.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Cutter

I do feel like it's a decision I wish I wasn't making, but I know it's the right one for me.

The deal breaker for me wasn't the affair, it was the way my W totally disrespected me by continuing to have contact with the OM, knowing how it made me feel. Having this confirmed again last week made me realise the situation would not change without action.

The reality of it all will be upsetting, but I'm glad I went to see a solicitor today. I know how tough this is going to be, but I can't stay in this open M that serves only my wifes needs. I'm better than that, we all are.

A few months ago, I couldn't have made this decision and would have been happy to stay being an option for my W.

I'm making the right choice and I am going to start a new chapter in my life.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

I've been taking some first steps towards separation & D.

Today I opened up a separate bank account & I have been looking at all the financial help & entitlements available to me.

The conversation that I am going to have with my W, when I tell her I want a Divorce is not going to be easy.

I had thought about just filing & serving my W the papers, but I thik I owe it to her to be upfront & sensible in discussing what we can agree on.

The main asset is the house & the equity in it is probably only between 10 & 20k.

I know that I don't want to take on the house, so that leaves 2 options.

1. W stays in the house if she can get the mortgage in her sole name & some kind of settlement is made to me either now or in the future.

2. We sell the house, get separate houses & split the equity.

I really want shared residency of the children where they would live 4 days with Mum 3 days with dad 1 week - then 3 days with mum and 4 days with dad the next.

I've got no idea how the conversation will go when I tell her I want a D, other than what I will say & I just hope that we can come to some agreement that suits us both that doesn't get messy for the kids.

Is there anyone on here that has got any advice for one of these conversations? (who's been through it)

Anyone know what not to say?

Thanks Bill

[afa75]

BB,
Just cathing jup on your sitch. I cannot offer any tips on what to say or not to say for the conversation with yoru W.

I wish you well and will be sending postive thoughts your way. Good luck!