Need Retrouvaille Advice

[Shewolf076]

Not sure I'm doing this right but here goes
Ive been married for 17 years , and have two sons ages 16 and 13, its been half my life with this man and I think he is not in love with me anymore, He says he feels left out since starting working away from home five years ago, lately he has been gone three months and it's taking a toll, Atleast we are talking now without arguing but it feels like I'm walking on egg shells and it just feels fake and emotionless, He will not say he loves me or have a good night or good morning,
I can understand how he feels left out but he has not made an effort to show the kids effection or do stuff with them without yelling or being bossy, so they just try to stay out of his way when he is home, and it hurts him, but his Dad was not a good example of fatherly love so how is he gonna know what to do.
I don't know what to do , I feel like I'm in a loveless marriage
He dosnt show affection or talk to me like a normal person I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing to set him off.
He always threatens divorce if I don't do what he wants
Im a pathetic mess I know

[Breakdown]

Shewolf, I think you meant to start a new thread. Go to the Newcomers section and click "New Topic" at the top left. If you still have problems, you might try to contact the moderator.

[unbidden]

Zig, I love you sooooo much. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for asking how I've been. I'm not sure where I am at right now. I do miss my H but his life seems to be spiraling downward. He hasn't had a job or clients recently so he doesn't appear to have any money. I can refer him work but it makes me feel like I'm caught in the middle, like I have a responsibility to help him (and want to because I care about him) but, on the other hand, feel like if I don't let him feel the impact of his economic choices he won't get real. He emailed me and has asked to have coffee tomorrow afternoon so I will know more then. I really don't know what to do. Zig, you seem to have developed this remarkable self-awareness that I think has really eluded me. I have done lots of therapy with EMDR which has really helped me get a hold of my emotions and anxieties and my life really seems OK now. I have a good job, my kids are doing well, I am fairly happy, I think. I am even GALing more. Crochet class, soccer team, etc. I am also thinking of taking up the drums again. (I want to be like the female drummer in the Neon Trees group.) In fact, mostly I forget that my H even exists. I just don't have contact with him that often now and it feels like he is already gone from my life in a lot of ways. But I do love him and miss him when I think about him and what we had (when he wasn't being a prickly jerk). I also know that there is a lot of burning resentment deep down about how easily he seemed to walk away from me and my girls (after promising he would never leave us). So really I just AM. If that makes any sense???? I am afraid that there is a lot inside of me that I have not really been dealing with, I just don't know how to get to it. I've just been living and keeping one foot moving in front of the other. I will update more tomorrow after I have coffee with H.

Hugs to you Zig and all the Retro folks who have chimed in with encouragement. ((()))))

[unbidden]

Update-- had coffee with H this afternoon at his request. He wanted to talk about Retrouvaille. He said that after agreeing to go he looked it up online and that he didn't want to go because it was too religious and he didnt see any hope for our marriage (although he still loved me deeply). I told him I understood that ithe program wasn't offensively religious and that this is exactly what the weekend was for-- couples with little or no hope. I also encouraged him to call our registration couple and talk to them. He said that he would call them and still go because he loved me and wanted to honor my desire to go, he just wanted to let me know where he was at emotionally. So he is still going but things don't look good .... I will leave it up to Gid from here, that's all I can really do.

[25yearsmlc]

Update-- had coffee with H this afternoon at his request. He wanted to talk about Retrouvaille. He said that after agreeing to go he looked it up online and that he didn't want to go because it was too religious and he didnt see any hope for our marriage (although he still loved me deeply). I told him I understood that ithe program wasn't offensively religious and that this is exactly what the weekend was for-- couples with little or no hope. I also encouraged him to call our registration couple and talk to them. He said that he would call them and still go because he loved me and wanted to honor my desire to go, he just wanted to let me know where he was at emotionally. So he is still going but things don't look good .... I will leave it up to Gid from here, that's all I can really do.

Even if it's the Catholic one, which we attended (and my h isn't Catholic OR into organized religion)

they were sooo NOT Pushy...I mean there was nothing about the Church said. The word GOD is used, and a spiritual connection w/a spouse is discussed. If that's too much,

then maybe you can attend the inter denominational one, or something...

OTOH, if he's willing to go and you've called ahead about the religious aspects, I think you'll be alright.

For sure if you tell them he has baggage about religion, they'll back off

(though in fairness, I don't know they'd have done anything anyhow, but just in case)

so try not to worry about it too much.

Get yourselves there, and do YOUR Work without wondering if he's doing his, etc....

leave it in God's hands b/c that's really where it is anyhow.

(Just curious, if your h knows he loves you deeply, what is it he wants from life now?)

[unbidden]

Thanks, 25. Honestly, he is older and wants to spend the rest of his life searching for enlightenment without being burdened by family. Which is odd because he has no money and will have to work while he searches and he actually cried today saying how much he missed my kids. So it seems a bit like he's going through a late-life crisis of generativity. We are also both very smart and clashed some when trying to agree on things and therefore thinks that we don't get along fundamentally. Yet, other times he's said that I was the woman who's understood and cared for him the most and that he's never met anyone less manipulative. So I am really at a loss as to how to get things unstuck ...

[unbidden]

PS he is also counter phobic and usually says no to new things at first so I suspected he would have second thoughts. It's just how he is.

[25yearsmlc]

Unb,

if your h is an absolute atheist, he MIGHT be turned off but gosh, I just don't recall that much about theology there.

I THINK we may have prayed about finding our way back to each other but for sure it's not a memory that stands out to me.

We listened to some tough marital histories but from people who were making it work, and said "it's worth it"

and their problems made ours look like peanuts.

But if your h is in some funk and bi=polar deal, then just get there and hope God leads him to getting some help.

Does your h really want his last years to be spent alone? B/C it sounds like that's where his choices would lead him

unless he's under the delusion that some 30 y/o is out there waiting to meet him...(and if there is, she'll want some serious money to go w/that so, I don't think he's realistic).

Or healthy...so I'm sending prayers your way...

[Breakdown]

He said that after agreeing to go he looked it up online and that he didn't want to go because it was too religious and he didnt see any hope for our marriage (although he still loved me deeply).

Honestly, I think the website comes off as more religious than the experience. I'd think of it more like a marriage building experience sponsored by the church. Sure, they're going to say a prayer now and then, but the experience is really about your marriage.

So he is still going but things don't look good .

If he's going to go, I think I'd focus on that....let the program take care of the rest. The two of you will be doing a lot of thinking, communicating, and soul searching. How much you include God in those is up to the individual.

[25yearsmlc]

agreed^^^

Honestly, though I think of myself as "spritual," I'm NOT very religious. I rarely attend church. True, I do believe in God and the power of prayer, but am not sure where my h is on that...anyhow


For ME AND H, to have found the "religious parts" so totally unobjectionable as to not even recall them, (w/poss exception of a prayer or two and if I recall it right, it was generic)

so I think supports Breakdown;s comment.

Maybe the retreats vary "wildly" but I don't get that feeling. Maybe there are spouses who are terrified of being condemned or judged

and boy, I can assure you that DOES NOT happen.

Forgiveness is emphasized, not judging.