I am taking 2 of my Harleys to put them up for sale later today to try to whittle down my debt. I always complimented my wife on everything about her and her appearance on most every day. really? "always, on everything, most every day"....?? Did she believe it? Regardless, if you "always did it on everything most every day," Then I guess it's not a 180 is it?
Hey, I don't want to bash you here, but the way you talk sometimes is so over the top, that it sounds defensive. I'm not sure you are ready to look at yourself and make some changes for real....are you?
It wasnt until after her mom died that my compliments were not appreciated, but i attributed it to her grief and depression. how do you know she did not appreciate them?
And did you have ulterior motives? Did the compliments preceed you initiating sex? Think about it.
Then at the end of September, 2009 is when i found the love notes about her 1sr affair.
At that time, when i gave hers compliments, she was put off by them and said i just said those things because i wanted s e x.
There is some mind reading going on ^^^here when you say she was put off. How do you KNOW that? And may I assume she SAID that you were only interested in sex.
Well, was that true? Even partly? Why would she SAY that?
And don't write off whatever she said in the past and blame it ALL on the OM.
That makes you blameless AND powerless to do a thing and means you were the perfect h and nothing can be done to change or help the sitch.
Do you want to believe that??^^^
When our mc told my h and I that my h was "being selfish" and "acting like a single man", I felt vindicated at first.
I felt it meant I was "right!!"...but so what? The mc gave me nothing to DO about it. Being right but powerless, isn't so great.
Being right was not as important as being able to affect my sitch...
Well obviously in hindsight that reaction was because she thought she was in love with that other guy.
Ed
Sooo YOU need do nothing different? Is that your point?
That isn't really going to help you. Your m MIGHT be over. At least the old one is.
But you need to figure out - specifically -
where YOU made some mistakes and where YOU WANT to make changes in you.
I have not heard much about that, other than saying you had a thought disorder that cost you financially a lot. But in a way that makes it her fault too.
AND that means you are powerless b/c YOU didn't cause it....the problem with avoiding responsibility is that it means you can't/won't change since you don't see your own role... so how can she (or anyone) think you'd behave differently if the same thing happened again?
I mean, if bad things happen, and they will, are you going to stare at the problem immobilized, again? Will you lose another business and who will watch your son if you're paralyzed by fear or panic or feeling hurt?
Trust me, I HAVE BEEN THERE but b/c of my kids, I realized I needed help b/c my pain and anger kept me from being present for them. Not good. They already lost one parent, I needed to compensate for that, not desert them b/c I was in pain too.
So I got professional help. Have you sought it out? There's NO shame in it and it sure beats losing all your savings and a business collapsing and losing a home AND possibly neglecting a child...
So, from now on, how will you cope or face stressors in a new way?
What will you DO differently?
She won't come back if she does not believe marriage to you, can be better or different.
I know she needs help b/c she has her issues for sure. I get that.
But it does not change that statement about her needing to believe marriage to you - can be better and different for her to return...
So how are YOU showing that? And that does NOT mean for you to pursue her.
I just want to hear what changes you want to make, in you. FOR YOU and your son.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
