Dealing with Anger

[25yearsmlc]

I would not worry about the timing so much as getting them there.

Giving yourself a timeline might depress YOU, but I would not worry that there's a time that's better or worse for THEM. Unlike some MC, Retrovaille really cannot hurt a m, imo.

So the sooner you get them there, probably, the better. But make sure you say something that is specific to your sitch; meaning if your spouse "KNOWS" they want out, but wants it to be amicable, or knows you have co=parenting issues to work through

then maybe use that as the basis for going, not saving the marriage.

IF your spouse is open to mc OR some sort of "effort" then I'd suggest this asap with the idea that you'll both "be open" to it. The folks who sponsor it will interview you separately over the phone to make sure you have the proper mindset.

Privately you can hope for a miracle, but externally don't show a lot of expectation or pressure b/c that is' what they'll pick up on if they think they want out.

And when you get there, do NOT take the temperature of the m.
Do not ask them "how they like it so far", or pump it up. Don't wonder if THEY are "getting it".

Just listen to the team couples, and do YOUR WORK.

My h's breakthrough came late in the process. I was already glad we had attended, but I had no idea what was coming FOR HIM...

and when he had his breakthrough, it went from a "good" experience for us, to a frickin' great one.

I have seen miracles happen there. I felt a bit of one myself and I know my h's behavior deeply affected my commitment to staying with him.


We were already in piecing and began to backslide. I had little reserves left for hearing him begin to criticize again, OR for another round of DBing on my end, so I said, "I'm done or we get help" and he seemed to know I meant it. He agreed.


When I called Retrovaille, I saw that there was a local one 2 weeks later, ON our wedding anniversary.

It felt like the universe was speaking to us - so we went. I don't know what he expected if it, by MY expectations were so so. I thought it would "help some"...

I didn't expect a big insight or breakthrough from my h, but I got one.

It made piecing a lot clearer and gave us some tools we needed. That's the thing about piecing.

If you have not learned NEW ways of relating, and all you learned when apart, is that you love your spouse, it's not enough. You WILL revert to old patterns b/c that is what you know. Or at least that's what I believe.

So Retrovaille was helpful in that respect. New tools.

We also each attended a personal growth workshop, separately as individuals and that helped immensely.(Thats called "Essential Experience" and I'd suggest that for people married OR divorcing...esp in times of change b/c it gives you great clarity and strength to do what you must to be happy. Very profound)


Retrovaille is a weekend retreat WITH a serious follow up program. The price may seem high but it's much cheaper than mc was for us since we had to pay out of pocket for MC (and divorce is far more expensive).

AND REtrovaille uses a sliding scale if you are unable to pay full price. My h and I ended up paying double the fee, to cover the costs of another couple attending so they could go for free. THAT is how impressed we were.

Where we went, we stayed in a parish retreat so it was no frills but they cooked for us and we had a clean private room and bath.

The weekend is like a jumpstart and then the follow up program helps it stick, and makes it a great deal. Where else can you get a weekend away with food provided, and many WEEKS of follow up after maybe 50 hours of mc for one price? Plus you can keep going to the follow up.

I highly recommend it.