Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

So what you're saying is that if he says he doesn't care, even if I know he does, just shrug my shoulders and move on? He's always expected me to be a mind reader. Hmmm, I'll have to think this over. At this point, I don't know that he can acutally rationalize the fact that his commentary is what caused the problem. His normal response is to accuse me to intentionally making him mad.

I also recognize that this is probably a test because I've been so calm, even after calling him out on phone call. In hindsight, I think I recongize that when he said I don't care, I should have foreseen the spew if I asked anything further. I think I am starting to get a better read on his facial expessions.

And you are right, it is not my fault. I see how preconditioned I am.

[mamabird]

This pattern sounds awfully familiar.

Read between the lines: he is stressed about $.

I think he's also thinking that you're going to do whatever you want and you don't take his opinions into consideration. Not that you do or don't, it's just my hunch that he's feeling defensive and also inadequate that you can't have the new dryer.

I know my first instinct would be to bulldog right into H's face and say, "Fine, you don't care? I'm doing whatever I want." He DOES care, he just does not want to engage in an argument.

Obviously something really ticked him off... clearly he does not want to burn the house down.

I'm sorry your night went like this Hopeful. It's so frustrating when they wig out on you and you can't rely on them coming back to earth. Congrats on your new exercise program though!

Would love to hear your coach's take on all of this. How do you handle an emotional, irrational man like this?

[LIO]

Wow do I know this pattern.. WELL.
He's always expected me to be a mind reader.
I have that too. I stopped doing it. Let me tell you something. STOP. IT IS FREEING!
"Oh sounds like you don't care. No problem, I'll take care of it then!"(smile end of convo)

You are NOT a mind reader, so you can drop that expectation too! I repeat - it is FREEING. Scary because if you've done it for along time, you will expect repercussions. But drop it.

I have been handling the repercussions in this way (and very politely, not condescending).
"I am confident that I made the best choice I could. I'm sorry if you disagree, but you didn't have an opinion when we talked about it." I'd be met with something like "Well... huff huff huff". I'd reply with "I'm sorry, if you mentioned something I would have done it."

I do that enough times so now I don't even bother with reading minds. If H has an opinion, he will say it. Otherwise, it's not up for debate.

[hopefulinga]

First, I think I pushed a button. He and I disagree on when to fix something and when to stop throwing good money after bad. In this case, 10 year old dryer, $200 fix. He sees it as I'm trying to make an excuse to get a new dryer. I'm doing a cost/benefit analysis. I have a no interest card at Lowe's that I would have used, but I will get this one fixed. I think the last time I did this was when I refused to get an $89 VCR fixed and bought a new one. However, this is dryer #2 in our 17 years.

I think he is stressed about money because his customers are slow paying. But about 2 hours before, he told someone he was going to spend $500 on new pipes for the bike. Hello? Clean and dry clothes, or a bike that makes noise. I would be a little more sympathetic if the money wasn't running out the door on his end. I also didn't metnion his $1500+ a month gas, food and beer bill. I'm all about coupons, discounts codes, etc. There is a fundamental issues here about who can spend money and on what, depsite the fact that I work 3 jobs.

My DB coach told me that I am going to be tested and to try to watch what is going on before he gets crazy. He said that the part of his mind that thinks I'm an evil b!tch tells the part of him that is enjoying the nice me to remember all of the bad things about me and not to fall for my tricks because I will go back to more of the same. This all confuses him.

So, while I may have engaged him more than I should have, I did it lovingly and calm, and I reflected what he was telling me. Then I dropped it, remained calm and went about my business for the rest of the night. My first instict would be the same as yours, LA. But I am tired of fighting and it's not getting me anywhere. I guess I am trying to validate and fill the love bank. I'm also trying to focus on solution oriented goals.

Another thing that happened was that I didn't cry. I usually cry, which upsets D16, and then he can say, see, look what you did. You started a fight and now she's upset. And then she'll side with him and treat me like crap. Last night, I didn't cry, and she actually said something to him later on that caused him to tell her not to use that tone of voice with him. I just laughed to myself.

And he may be pissed that I joined the Y, and focusing on myself and am happy (for the most part). Maybe he is starting to think I'm moving on, even though I am still a little clingy.

Part of me doesn't care what pushed the button. The only part that does is the 180 part of me that is trying to recognize those buttons and avoid them

[hopefulinga]

You are NOT a mind reader, so you can drop that expectation too! I repeat - it is FREEING. Scary because if you've done it for along time, you will expect repercussions. But drop it.

I am going to write down your responses and hope I can use it some day. I get angry when I am expected to be a mind reader, but I need to get beyond trying to appease him. If I try to involve him and get no response, move on. I'm asking for his input and not getting it. Has your H "learned" from this?

I get accused of all kinds of things that I do "intentionally" which would require a crystal ball to prevent. Like purposefully cooking something he doesn't like or calling him at the most inoppotune times. And I do it on purpose because I know it will upset him, per H. Sometimes I wish he would tape record himself and play it back. Does he really think I like to cry and be bashed?

In trying to think about what I could have done differently in my approach, I also remembered that when I picked D up last night, she called H and told him we were going shopping, but didn't mention where (she didn't know at the time). I don't know if by bring up new dryer, he jumped to the conclusion I was out looking for a new dryer, or that I had possibly bought one.

He's a little bit better this am and came by for his good bye kiss. I'm not trying to understand what in the h3ll is going on over here.

[Starsky309]

Hi Hopeful,

Saw your question on the other thread. Not kissing your spouse -- at least not passionately -- is often a warning sign of infidelity. Strangely, the wayward spouse feels like their actually CHEATING ON THEIR OM/OW if they kiss their own spouse.

This is especially true for women. Some will still have sex with their husband, but draw the line at passionate kissing, as that's considered far more intimate in their minds, and would therefore be cheating on their OM.

Hope that answers,


Starsky

[hopefulinga]

Thanks, Starsky. That is kind of what I've been wondering. And it does give me some relief. When we ML at night, which is not often as he prefers the AM, he does still kiss me and I've actually noticed a little more passionately since the bomb. We don't kiss in the am, but never have.

[hopefulinga]

Question on how to handle something:

A friend of ours called and asked if I was going to an airshow in 2 weeks. My H is in a BBQ competition at the airshow, so she called him to see if I was going and he said, I don't know, call her. I would love to go to see the airshow, but also to support H and be there if his team wins. However, I would keep a low profile during the event so I didn't cause him stress.

I've had posts telling me not to worry about making him mad. Any thoughts on whether I should tell him I would like to go with the friend, that we will go for the day, and that I will stay out of his hair during the competition? Or do I just go?

[hopefulinga]

^^^^^^
bump
Can anyone help me with this? I'm leaning towards just going. However, that means I cannot tell D16 because she will tell him.

On another note, I talked to my mom today and she made the genrealize statement that men want to feel needed. I'm sure that is true on some levels for everyone. When I think about what I am not doing or not giving him, this may be an area where I am weak. I've tried in some areas and I think I gave up. I am trying to ask for his help with some things, but I think he is still rejecting it right now thinking I will go back to my old ways.

[labug]

Just go, stop by and say Hi, and congratulate him if he wins.

Have fun.