I want to go camping.

[labug]

Yes, this issue goes both ways and individual conditioning and biology play a part. I was raised with lots of males, dad, uncles, cousins and was never supposed to "act like a girl" so I learned to not express that part of me. I also learned to throw a football, a fastball and to hit a curve.

But I sucked it up and held it in until I nearly exploded. I think that happens far to often, probably what's called around here MLC, cause you get to the point you just can't do it anymore.

I just want to be clear that learning to manage your emotions is a good thing, suppressing emotions in the hope of keeping a R going is a bad thing, to my mind.

Stepford Wives keeps coming to mind.

That's where I think obligation comes in, that if you can't manage your emotions to a "reasonable" level, or if you are sad or angry the majority of the time, you have to help yourself in the interest of helping your marriage. And this is what happened in my M. Those life crises happened one on top of the other and I was toast. I had no reserve to draw on and neither did he. I was getting help but it was late in the process, a lot of hurt had already happened and things like that don't turn around in a month or two. (let's all teach our children to seek care in a timely manner no matter what the issue, breast cancer, cervical cancer, prostate cancer, BP, skin cancer, diabetes, mental health check-up)

Over the last year or so, I've been trying to shape the new me, one I didn't know existed, emotions in my control, able to ask for what I need, able to have difficult conversations and be heard. This is in my life with friends, colleagues, my sons.

My H is not easily swayed and as I've said before is proud of being stubborn.

Has he realized the change in me? Probably.

Does he want to risk getting hurt again? No.

And I can't say that I blame him.

I'm in much the same boat because I don't see that his behaviors have changed in the last 12 months.

Avoids difficult conversations. I would say we're still married because he just can't have that conversation. He's "stubborn" so he'll wait forever for me to do it.

If I ask a question he doesn't want to answer, he just doesn't. That's a pattern that has existed from the beginning.

I've seen all this for the control issue it is and it doesn't feel good. Does he have qualities that are good? Yes, many and if he worked on the issues above along with the work I've done we could have a great marriage. Or the start of a great marriage.

But I can change only myself.