I think I see the picnic!

[2chiquitos]

I created drama. My emotions are so raw right now. I feel shaky inside. No control.

I keep trying to detach by assuming he continues to spend the night with OW. I went through a period of bereavement then acceptance. I'm back at bereavement.

This morning I saw a stuffed toy (penguin) of my kids for the first time. It brought back an awful memory I'd like to share (hoping it will get it out of my system)

As I've said before I believe that lies mean you don't care/love the person you're lying to which is why I struggle so much with all this.

Before I discovered the affair (2mos before) we had gone to Sea World as a family. Little did I know he had gone with OW the week before. On our trip he bought S4 a stuffed toy (white whale). I asked, why did you get that? he didn't care for that animal. He said it was cute. Well after that trip, I never saw it again.

When I started to talk to OW, I found out she had it.

So going back to the toy penguin it brought back that ugly memory.

I couldn't help but seem distant and he kept asking what was wrong. I said, I don't want to talk about it and kept insisting. I cracked. Told him about the whale and ran into the bathroom to cry. I don't want my kids to see me like this. I'm sobbing uncontrollably and shaky.

H was on his way to work and said he was going to take the kids. I don't know where but he knew they shouldn't be here right now.

God I hate this! Is it because I continue to talk to him? Is it because I'm barely detaching?

Last night I wanted to ask you all, Why don't we quit? Seriously.
I wanted to quit last night but something told me, not yet. WHY? I want to talk to that little person inside my head and ask why can't I quit? Why do you think I should keep at it?