Hmm, I made 3 or 4 posts to this thread last week and they still haven't shown up. Maybe they're stuck in the approval queue.
W moved more of her stuff out over the weekend including most of the things out of our large walk-in closet. Interestingly one of the things she left behind was.... a DB book!! I was more than a little surprised when I found it. The original receipt was tucked inside, it was dated 1997 (we got married in 1992). If she was using the receipt as a bookmark then she read most of the book. I have no idea if she was reading it for our marriage, or because someone recommended it to her or what. I'm going to ask her if she remembers why she got it just out of curiosity.
More journaling- this is going to be mainly about sex, so if you find that objectionable then feel free to skip to the next post
A little background, just after BD when we were in MC the C asked W about our relationship and specifically about sex. W mentioned that she really enjoyed the sex and wouldn't mind continuing it, but that she "didn't want to get his (my) hopes up". Well we did continue right up until 2 weeks ago. And it wasn't just "lay there and take it", she was quite enthusiastic about it. I broached the subject this past weekend and she said she didn't want to anymore. I asked her why, if it made her feel strange or what but she wasn't sure. I asked her if she was talking about then and there or for good and she mumbled something about not being sure about that either. So sex is now officially off the menu. At least I know where things stand in that regard. That'll make it easier to detach.
As a side note, I was surprised to hear her say back in MC that she enjoyed the sex so much, because for me it's always been OK but not great. I like to experiment and try different things and she likes to do the exact same thing every time. And she's definitely been the LD partner, but I will say that while I had to instigate 95% of the time she never turned me down.
Speaking of detaching, W continues to come over to my house every evening after work. Frankly I'm about done with that and I think I will talk to her about it this evening. If she's going to get her head straight in this separation then I think she needs to get away from me to do it. And I could use the time away from her too.
None of my messages on this thread have been approved in over a week, so there are a bunch sitting in the queue. Apologies if I'm repeating myself in my journaling, but I can't see the unapproved posts to make sure I'm not duplicating info.
I've now gone somewhere between "detaching" and "going dim". I finally got tired of my wife's cake-eating in which she's been coming to my house every evening after work and hanging out like everything is fine, then going to her house to sleep. She's also been coming to my house every weekend and expecting to do things as a "family" (going out to eat ,etc.) with me paying of course. I know DR recommends becoming your wife's best friend, but I've done that for 3 months now and it's not working. Not a single one of my baby step goals has been met (wife initiates hug, wife initiates convo about something other than the kids or logistics, etc.) Time to shake things up and try something different and quit going down cheeseless tunnels. W texted me yesterday telling me she was picking up D15 for photos and then bringing her home, so I used the opportunity to suggest she should start going to her house every evening from now on and quit coming to mine, that it would be best for both of us. I also asked her to quit letting herself in my house and either knock on the door or text from the drive if she's getting the kids. I told her that if she wants to take the kids to give me a day's notice beforehand (eventually we're going to do 50-50 visitation, but we haven't started that yet because she's still setting up her house). And I told her I would no longer volunteer my services to help her do stuff at her house because it’s an intrusion on her privacy, but if she needs my help then ask for it and I will be happy to oblige. She said she was fine with all of that.
I have two reasons for this new approach, the main one being I really need the distance for me. Every time I see her it’s just a reminder of the hell I’m living through because she acts like my wife in everything except intimacy. The other is I don’t think she’ll ever take the time to really think about this and come to grips with her feelings/ emotions as long as she thinks she can keep coming back for the companionship. If she has to sit in her house alone evening after evening then maybe she’ll be able to do the soul-searching she needs and take stock of what she wants.
W also made plans for us to go visit D18 at college this weekend for “parents weekend”, but I canceled on that too and told her to go alone because I needed to stay for D15 and S9 (D15 and S9 both have plans for the weekend and didn’t want to go). I just spent time with D18 last weekend and plan on going to visit her by myself in a couple of weeks, so I’m not hurting D18 in this. W seemed miffed about it, she doesn’t like driving alone. Ironically when we moved D18 to college and were driving back she commented on how she used to hate driving alone at dusk because she felt so lonely, and now she’s going to have to do exactly that.
It’s been about 3 months since I started my 180’s and they’re becoming routine now. I’ll do a separate posts on what my 180’s are and how they’ve progressed.
Well I've got a week's worth of updates that are apparently sitting in the moderator queue because they haven't shown up, but now that I've surpassed 100 posts I'm no longer moderated, so the new posts will show up right away. Since the last week's posts aren't up yet but this one will be, I'll try to summarize the others briefly:
- W and I ML over labor day weekend, not quite 3 weeks ago. Last Saturday we discussed sex and it's now officially off the table. W couldn't explain why, just said she didn't want to anymore (up to this point she's been happy to partake, but at a lower frequency than before). I've found it a lot easier to detach since this was removed as an option!
- I told W on Monday that I didn't want her coming over and hanging out at my house every day, that I thought it would be best for both of us if she starts living full time at her house. She agreed. I also asked her to knock on the door or text from the drive when she comes over rather than just letting herself in. She agreed to this too.
- Kids have been with me all week, but we are going to start the weekly 50-50 visitations this Sunday. The kids will go with W Sunday evening. Both kids expressed concern about being away from me for an entire week, I told them they could come over for visits if they needed to and that I'm sure W would be OK with it too. But I'll still be seeing them daily as S9 rides the bus to my house every day and I pick up D15 after her drill practice and take her to my house. W will be picking them up at my house. If she continues her workaholic ways she won't be picking them up until 7-8. I get home before 5, so that'll give me plenty of kid time before she picks them up.
- W is taking tomorrow off to move the rest of her stuff out of the house. I expressed concerns to her that she would be taking stuff without my knowledge/ permission, but we talked by phone and she went over everything she was going to take and we were in agreement.
R with W is still in good standing. We've been getting along quite well, I'd classify the R as a strong friendship right now. I've gone dim this week since telling her to quit coming by and it's actually helped me in the healing process a lot. I don't miss her nearly as much when I'm not seeing her constantly. I saw her briefly Monday for maybe 2 minutes when she was dropping D15 off. Didn't see her Tuesday, but we spoke by phone for quite a while (mainly about what she was moving tomorrow). Didn't see her or talk to her at all yesterday which is probably the first time in 20+ years we've had no contact in a 24 hour period.
Now it's just a waiting game. I know W is aware of my 180's as she's ackowledged them, and my 180's are no longer 180's but are a permanent part of me and I'm sure she'll eventually see that if she doesn't already. She wanted space and now she's got it. It's only been a week so far and I'm not expecting a sudden change of heart, but maybe in a few months. I pray daily for patience because it's not my strong suit!
I've been a gym rat in the past, but my weight training has been sporadic for the last 10 years. But as part of GAL I joined a gym 3 months ago and have been very consistent in my training and supplementing since then. I've gained 7 pounds in that time and my pants are all loose in the waist and shirts getting tight in the right places. I'm surprised I've seen such rapid gains since I'm 51 now, but I'm not complaining
I have to admit I've been engaging in something approaching an EA with a lady I was best friends with in college. We've maintained infrequent contact over the years, but since BD she's been part of my support group. We've been careful not to go too far with it since we both know I'm susceptible to jumping into something too quickly right now. She divorced her abusive husband years ago and hasn't been in a serious R since. She's out of state, but ironically her brother lives 3 doors down from me so I see her now and then when she's visiting. I'm smart enough not to jump the gun right now, but it sure is nice to talk to a beautiful woman that actually cares about me versus getting treated like a distant relative by W.
And I just want to get this off of my chest- I am so sick and tired of W telling EVERYONE she loves them EXCEPT me. When she talks to casual friends on the phone she tells them she loves them at the end of the call. One woman that she barely talked to a few months ago is suddenly her BFF and they always sign off the phone with "I love you, I love you too." Seriously??? I don't react at all because (thank goodness for DR) I know this is par for the course, but it still irks me. Thanks for listening to my vent, LOL!
More journaling- this is going to be mainly about sex, so if you find that objectionable then feel free to skip to the next post
A little background, just after BD when we were in MC the C asked W about our relationship and specifically about sex. W mentioned that she really enjoyed the sex and wouldn't mind continuing it, but that she "didn't want to get his (my) hopes up". Well we did continue right up until 2 weeks ago. And it wasn't just "lay there and take it", she was quite enthusiastic about it. I broached the subject this past weekend and she said she didn't want to anymore. I asked her why, if it made her feel strange or what but she wasn't sure. I asked her if she was talking about then and there or for good and she mumbled something about not being sure about that either. So sex is now officially off the menu. At least I know where things stand in that regard. That'll make it easier to detach.
As a side note, I was surprised to hear her say back in MC that she enjoyed the sex so much, because for me it's always been OK but not great. I like to experiment and try different things and she likes to do the exact same thing every time. And she's definitely been the LD partner, but I will say that while I had to instigate 95% of the time she never turned me down.
Speaking of detaching, W continues to come over to my house every evening after work. Frankly I'm about done with that and I think I will talk to her about it this evening. If she's going to get her head straight in this separation then I think she needs to get away from me to do it. And I could use the time away from her too.
Will she still kiss you passionately? Would she while you guys were still making love?
Lots of posts I hope they approve you soon and your posts appear a little bit more on a regular basis.
Just looking back quickly at your sich, an OM is not required and may never appear. It is possible that this person is a fantasy and only exists in romance novels inside her head. You may never know.
Just get on living your life and detaching and work on the one person that you can CONTROL, YOU!
Will she still kiss you passionately? Would she while you guys were still making love?
Curious on this. Can you elaborate? My H still will. You can answer on my thread. I'm not smart enough to figure out how to post the link here without leaving the page.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I read one of your posts on someone else's sitch and I noticed that you mentioned your wifes love language is WOA. My wifes is the same. I find it difficult since we are seperated to speak these. Could you give me some advice on anything that has worked for you? Not sure how to put a link to my thread, but it is under eyesopen. You have commented on my thread before and I greatly appreciate it.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Your wife wanted to separate and that is what it should be. I know it is difficult but you are right to focus on yourself right now and go dim. Separation is just that. I hope me and my wife do not separate but if we do I am going to keep focusing on my changes and my kids and building a new life.
Patience is the hard part - Amen to that! It is not my strong suit either. I have been reading a bit about mindfulness and living in the moment. It takes the edge off of the uncertainty of the future.
I have realized in my relationship that my W and I are going through different things. My wife has acknowledged my changes but has a hard time as seeing them as permanent. I never did not love my wife so it was easy, once I realized my relationship was at death's door, to change quickly and permanently. It took my wife years to get to the point that she wanted to leave. She says she does not love me anymore and I believe her. I changed because of love and she has to fall back in love, if she can. It sounds like you are kind of in the same spot and it is not a great place to be but the recognition that we are on different paths has helped me.
